Friday, August 18, 2006

Monty Python's accountancy shanty

Here are the two key verses followed by the whole song with the verses in the middle.
I've also included a link so that you can hear the song in all it's original glory. Click here.

It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.
We'll up your premium semi-annually.
It's all tax deductible.
We're fairly incorruptible,
We're sailing on the wide accountancy!
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LEAD PIRATE:
Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium. Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
Scribble away!
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
And balance the books.
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
Scribble away!
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
But manage the books.
CHORUS:
Up, up, up.

PIRATES:
It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.
We'll up your premium semi-annually.
It's all tax deductible.
We're fairly incorruptible,
We're sailing on the wide accountancy!

LEAD PIRATE:
Oh, this is fun, Mr. Cohen!
PIRATE:
Sail away!...
CHORUS:
Up, up, up...
LEAD PIRATE:
Fetch me another exotic salute. To port! Bring her port to shell out! And the medium guys shell out to port! Balance the books! Bring me another small shellfish, Mr. Cohen...


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Accountants in films

These films featured accountants - not all of them were boring either!
  • The Producers - Zero Mostel ropes accountant Gene Wilder into collaborating with him on a scheme to rip off old ladies. In the remake Nathan Lane persuades Matthew Broderick to abandon his accountancy career in favour of becoming a theatrical producer.
  • Ghostbusters - Rick Moranis is an accountant who, although possessed by evil spirits, asks who does monstrous Sigourney Weaver's tax return.
  • The Royal Tenenbaums - Danny Glover plays accountant Henry Sherman, Angelica Huston's dependable second husband.
  • The Closet - French superstar Daniel Autueil plays an accountant who pretends to be gay to keep his job in a condom factory.
  • Dave - Charles Grodin plays the president's accountant and solves the budget deficit in one overnight session, leaving the White House at dawn in his prudent small car.
  • Midnight Run - Charles Grodin again. Here he plays an accountant who steals from the rich and gives to the poor . Robert De Niro tracks him down when Grodin jumps bail.
  • Schindler's List - Ben Kingsley's bespectacled accountant helps save lives.
  • Erotica - the lead character is a bearded and gentlemanly accountant who gets increasingly hung up on a sneaky lap dancer whom he is forbidden to touch.
  • Jurassic Park - a weasel accountant spurns Jeff Goldblum's advice and gets devoured by a dinosaur.
  • Shedevil - Ed Begley Jr plays a sleazeball accountant upon whom Rosanne Barr wreaks a hideous revenge.
  • The Untouchables - Charles Martin Smith plays accountant Oscar Wallace and conceives the idea of nabbing Al Capone for tax evasion.
  • Hitch - Kevin James plays tax accountant Albert Brennaman, who woos and wins Amber Valletta just by being his booty-shaking, inhaler-snorting, passionate self.
  • Shallow Grave - Christopher Eccleston played chartered accountant David Stephens who gets drawn into the grisly goings-on in a shared Edinburgh flat.
  • The Apartment - Jack Lemmon's character CC Baxter introduces himself: "I work on the 19th floor. Ordinary Policy Department, Premium Accounting Division, Section W, desk number 861."
  • The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - Danny Kaye stars as a day-dreaming beancounter.
  • The Sea Change - Sean Chapman played a 'handsome, dashing and funny KPMG accountant named Rupert Granger.'
  • Local hero - Denis Lawson plays Gordon Urquhart, the hotel proprietor who is also the local accountant trusted to meet with the locals on behalf of a Texas oil company that wants to purchase the Scottish fishing village. .

Saturday, August 12, 2006

When something needs fixing...

...a layman knows he has to kick it;
an amateur knows where to kick it;
a professional knows how hard.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Finance Director type

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

When he actually listens to Marketing before saying "No".

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

An acccountant and his frog

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."