Thursday, September 28, 2006

Don't tell the joke police

The Colin cartoon strip by Higgins in Accountancy Age today has a good/bad joke (depending upon your point of view). In essence:

So, if you were going to pull a carousel fraud, you'd start a company importing tribal art and keep-fit equipment. Why?

Well tribal art is a growth market and keep-fit ket sells all year round.

And what would you call such a business?

How about "Customs and Exercise"?!


You can access Colin cartoons on the Accountancy Age blog.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Collective noun for tax inspectors

A bunch of bastards


(Allegedly coined by a tax inspector!)

This follows on from an earlier post containing collective nouns for accountants

Sunday, September 24, 2006

3 greatest lies (well, one version of the joke anyway)

The 3 greatest lies:
  1. The cheque is in the post;
  2. Of course I'll still love you in the morning;
  3. I'm an accountant, I'm here to help you.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

All too common?

A businessman has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it.

The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Excuse me but can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on Steve Pringle's farm, 8 miles from Stonehenge. Steve ploughed the field last week and sowed barley seeds. Also, there's a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

Friday, September 08, 2006

Out of the mouths of babes...

This true story may only make sense if you know me, but it's worth recording anyway.

Many years ago when my nephew Zach was about 8 years old he told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be like uncle Mark.

"An accountant?" his mother asked , a little incredulous that little Zach could be interested in the subject at such a young age. What could I have done to inspire this attraction to the profession she wondered.

Zach's reply was priceless. "Oh," he said, "Is that what you call someone who does magic tricks?"


Wednesday, September 06, 2006

We don't pay staff the National Minimum Wage (NMW)

HMRC recently published a top 10 of some of the more unusual or outlandish reasons given to its enforcement teams.

The top ten worst excuses for not paying the minimum wage are:

10. I only took him on as a favour
9. The workers can't speak English
8. He's over 65, so the national minimum wage doesn't apply
7. She's on benefits - if you add those to her pay, it totals the NMW
6. They can't cope on their own and it's more than they would get in their own country
5. He's disabled
4. I didn't think it applied to small employers
3. I didn't think the workers were worth NMW
2. But she only wanted £3 an hour
1. He doesn't deserve it - he's a total waste of space

Monday, September 04, 2006

3 envelopes

A new senior partner was about to be appointed at a large accountancy firm. His predecessor met with him privately and presented him with three large numbered envelopes. “Keep these in your desk drawer and open them in order as and when you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but after six months, a number of key partners resigned and the new senior partner started to take some flak. At his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to the drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new senior partner called a Partners meeting and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous senior partner.


About a year later, the firm was again experiencing some problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the senior partner quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Blame your management committee.” This he did and a couple of members of the committee duly stood down and were replaced. The firm’s fortunes quickly started to improve again.

After a while however the firm was once again experiencing problems. The senior partner went to his desk and removed the third envelope. The message inside read, “Prepare three envelopes.”