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The best tax related joke so far

HMRC decides to investigate 87 year old Grandpa, who is quickly summoned to the Tax office.

The Tax Inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his tax adviser.

The Tax Inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The Tax Inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The Tax Inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Tax Inspector's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the Tax Inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned Tax Inspector now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The Tax Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Inspector's desk.

The Tax Inspector leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the Tax Inspector asks.

'Not really,' says the tax adviser. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me twenty five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


Don't Mess with Old People!!

Posted on AccountingWEB by 'Mark'
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Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

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15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

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Ken Dodd and the Inland Revenue

The comedian Ken Dodd, was prosecuted for tax evasion in 1989 as has been mentioned on this blog before, here and here. I'd love to find a clip of him talking about it in his act. For now though here are a couple of references to comments he makes about the experience.

He is known to introduce himself as a “failed accountant”. That, he explains, is simply to establish a rapport with the audience. “People today are all stressed out about home economics, and accountants are the current bogeymen. [Since when?]

Dodd is the butt of a lot of his material and repeated references are made to his love of money, his dislike of what he insists on calling the Inland Revenue and his past run-in with them. “They sent me a self-assessment form the other day. To me! I invented self-assessment.”

During the trial it was revealed that Dodd had very little money in his bank account. He did however have £336,000 in cash stashed in suitcases in his attic. When asked by the judge, "What does a…