Friday, February 24, 2012

Lord Harman's predictive quote

In a 1964 speech British law lord, Lord Justice Harman, told an audience:

‘Accountants are the witch doctors of the modern world and willing to turn their hands to any kind of magic.’

I note that this quote appears on dozens of firms of accountants' websites.

(You need to know me to know why that quote so appeals to me. There's a clue in this earlier posting on this blog)

Friday, February 17, 2012

It can be expensive being a tax adviser

Arriving by train in Penrith, Cumbria, to present a talk to the local CIOT branch, I took a cab to the venue. The driver asked me what I was doing in Penrith and I explained:
“I’m here to give a lecture to a group of tax advisers”.
For a moment I was thrown as he seemed very miffed. It then became clear from his reply that he had misheard me:
“It would be nice to have been invited. I’ve been a taxi driver here for over ten years!”
I was unable to keep a straight face!

I shared the story during my talk and at the tea-break one of the delegates came over to explain she’d had a similar problem recently.

When arranging her car insurance by phone, she was astonished by the premium quote. It was more than 8 times what she had paid the previous year. She queried the figure and was told this was due to her profession, and the risks inherent in this.
“What are the inherent risks of being a tax adviser?” she asked.
At which point it became apparent the insurer had thought she said she was a ‘taxi driver’.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

A Sexy Poem About Kashflow

This poem was contributed by Sue Lee (no relation) to the kashflow Valentine's day facebook competition. For those who don't know, kashflow is an online accounting software package.

Sue says her poem was written "in the style of Jane Birkin and Serge Gainsbourg (with apologies to the easily offended. And poetry lovers."
I knew it was forever the first time that we met;
You understood my discount yield and reconciled my debt.
You deftly spread my balance sheets and made me lose control;
Accounts became receivable; you filled my software hole.

My profit margins maximise whenever you are near;
My lump sums get much lumpier; my hedge fund feels all queer.
You use your column expertly to maximise returns;
My assets start to liquify; my compound interest burns….

You touch my bottom line with skill and fondle my arrears;
Your double-entry bookkeeping can leave me close to tears.
My cash has never flowed so well, my funds are all now sunk;
Oh, come and lay me off to tax, you great big Kashflow hunk!!!