Wednesday, April 24, 2013

The privilege of being an accountant rather than a lawyer

At a panel debate hosted by Pinsent Masons and The Times on Monday evening I heard two mildy amusing references to accountants. The subject under discussion was Legal Advice Privilege and the recent Prudential case. This confirmed that tax accountants are not tax lawyers.

Tom Adam QC mischievously suggested that:
"as we all know, deep down tax accountants want to be lawyers. After all, we have 'Legally Blonde', 'Ali McBeal' and 'Suits'. And what do accountants have......? 
Big calculators and lots of pens in their top pocket!"
Also on the panel, Mike Truman, editor of Taxation magazine, later got in a retort of his own:
"The big difference between lawyers and accountants, when it comes to the provision of tax advice, is that accountants are expected to get the numbers right as well as the words!" 

The accountant's malaise

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?


Monday, April 22, 2013

A boring accountant's awkward sexual adventure

The "funniest canadian sex comedy ever made" features 'a boring accountant' from Winnipeg who sets out to learn the secrets of making love from a Toronto stripper.

Here are a couple of extracts from Jay Stone's review of 'My awkward sexual adventure':
"the accountant is far too unlikely in his halting ineptitude to be taken at all seriously." 
"Jordan is hopeless until he drunkenly falls into the clutches of Julia (Emily Hampshire), a stripper and gourmet cook. Together they strike a deal: he will use his accounting skills to straighten out her messy financial affairs, and she will become his “sex Yoda,” a platonic instructor in all things explicit, nasty, forbidden and kinky."

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A fairy story where the devil is in the detail

Once upon a time a shepherd was looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. Suddenly a brand new Porsche screeched to a halt. The driver, a man dressed in an Armani suit, Cerutti shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, TAG-Heuer wrist-watch, and a Pierre Cardin tie got out and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looked at the young man, then looked at the large flock of grazing sheep and replied, "Okay." 

The young man parked the car, pulled out his smartphone, and called up a NASA Website and let it identify his location via GPS. Then he opened a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms and pivot tables. After studying these for a moment he turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

The shepherd was surprised and confirmed, "That's correct, you can have your sheep." 

The young man took an animal and put it in the back of his Porsche. 
The shepherd looked at him and asked, "If I guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?" The young man answered, "Sure,why not?"

The shepherd looked at him for a moment and then said, "You are an auditor."

The young man was shocked and asked, "How did you know?"

"Very simple," replied the shepherd. "Firstly, you came here without being wanted. Secondly, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew, and thirdly, you don't understand anything about my business..."

" can I have my dog back?"

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Barry Cryer's ode to accounting software

This dates back to the 2007 Software Satisfaction Awards arranged by AccountingWeb.

Barry Cryer OBE was the guest speaker and he had prepared one of his customary very funny odes. This included the immortal lines:
I see before me, chattering, nattering,managers and also a smatteringof accountants and t'is a crying shamethat 99% of them get the other 1% a bad name 
I now feel my S-A-P risingmy IRIS widening, it's not surprisingas these names resoundyou are Infor a penny, Infor a poundyour Kashflow with a "k"rolls on - and may I saybefore I become a fidgeterI salute OLAP-based Excel and Digita
Onward I paddle my rhyming coracledesperately seeking a rhyme for Oracle 
Enough!! my system draws near to a crashtout suite, NetSuite, i must now dashto a close - cease my poetic spreadsheet analysislife is full of enormous fallaciesif you see what I mean - my program, with one "m"is done - my metrical practice, my hopefully funny function, I must stemmy flow, all's done and saidso, with a joyful cry of "XL Cub-ed"the message coming down the wireI greet you, toast you, thank you...Barry Cryer. 
You can read the full thing on AccountingWeb here>>>

The journalist, the engineer, the lawyer and the accountant

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable perso...