### An accountant gets one over on a lawyer

A lawyer and an accountant are sitting next to each other on a long flight from the US back to London. The lawyer leans over to the accountant and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The  accountant just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to take a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me £10".

Again the  accountant politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says "OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me £10, and if you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I will pay you £100".

This catches the accountant's complete attention, and as he sees no end to this torment unless he plays,  he reluctantly agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The  accountant doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket and pays the lawyer £10.
The lawyer is disappointed but still encourages the  accountant to ask a question. He thinks for a moment and then asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" Having asked the question he turns round and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop and searches all his references, he opens his laptop, logs on to the web and tries searching around wikipedia, tries google, yahoo and host of other serch engines but he gets nowhere. Frustrated he sends emails to all his collagues and friends. All at no avail.

After an hour he wakes the accountant and hands him £100. The  accountant  politely takes the £100 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, more than a little miffed, shakes the  accountant and asks, "Well, so what is the answer? What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

Without a word the accountant reaches into his wallet, hands the lawyer £10 and goes back to sleep.

### Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client…

### Ken Dodd and the Inland Revenue

The comedian Ken Dodd, was prosecuted for tax evasion in 1989 as has been mentioned on this blog before, here and here. I'd love to find a clip of him talking about it in his act. For now though here are a couple of references to comments he makes about the experience.

He is known to introduce himself as a “failed accountant”. That, he explains, is simply to establish a rapport with the audience. “People today are all stressed out about home economics, and accountants are the current bogeymen. [Since when?]

Dodd is the butt of a lot of his material and repeated references are made to his love of money, his dislike of what he insists on calling the Inland Revenue and his past run-in with them. “They sent me a self-assessment form the other day. To me! I invented self-assessment.”

During the trial it was revealed that Dodd had very little money in his bank account. He did however have £336,000 in cash stashed in suitcases in his attic. When asked by the judge, "What does a…

### "Now that's what I call Tax Advice!"

Years ago I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, Steve, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.

I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member, indeed, I am now The Treasurer). Steve then told me that he had an unusual hobby too. He said he was a poet.

The following day I received an email from Steve containing a poem he had written for me to deliver. I loved it - but never performed it as I can't do all the tricks he references!

The Third Person to Ask (aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice) Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to sh…