Friday, January 27, 2017

The farmer's accountant - in rhyme

He sits at his desk
With his horn-rimmed specs
Doing sums on a calculator
And come rain or shine
You know bloody fine
There's a bill to pay sooner or later.
He adds and subtracts
And works out your tax
Messing about with the figures.
You've done fairly well
So how in the hell
Is that overdraft still gettin' bigger?
Those accounts are too much
It's all double dutch
So you 'phone up for him to explain.
But his office PA says 'haven't you heard'
He's away in his office in Spain."

- Henry Brewis in the Farming Press. As reported in 'The Bottom line' by Vaines and Nuttall

Friday, January 20, 2017

Money, money, money - quotes

"There's money. And then there's MY money"
- Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
- Woody Allen

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money"
- George Burns

"One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have."
- Gerald Hurst,  

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

Friday, January 13, 2017

Other income - how to explain this one?

Back in the day when we completed tax returns by hand, an inspector of taxes noted an unusual entry for 'other income' on a tax return she was examining.

In the space to explain a zero figure the taxpayer had written "F. All."

The Inspector wrote to the taxpayer suggesting that this was not appropriate language to use on what was a legal document.

The taxpayer responded by explaining that the Inspector had misunderstood. "I could not fit the words "Family Allowance' in the limited space available."

The Inspector wrote back pointing out that there was no requirement to enter details of Family Allowance on tax returns. The taxpayer then responded, that as regards his other income, this really was F*** All!"

Friday, January 06, 2017

Cuts cause extra tax - poem

This was one of the winning entries in a limerick competition run by Taxation magazine*

The Chancellor spoke to the nation.
And we were all filled with elation.
but the tax cuts proposed.

Were swiftly exposed 
as a myth by the scribes in Taxation


* This entry was written by David Norton. The competition results were published in December 1999!