Friday, July 28, 2017

Audit file rock


Another song penned by Accountant Nigel Hughes. This one should be sung to the tune of the Elton John classic, Crocodile Rock:

I remember when we were young,
Me and Susie having so much fun
Audit programme and an ICQ,
I had a battered ford escort and an M&S suit.
But the biggest kick we ever got,
Was doing a thing called the audit file rock.
While other kids were rocking round the clock,
We were Ticking and Bashing to the audit file rock

Chorus
Well audit file rocking is something shocking,
When your feet just can't keep still
I never knew me a better time, and I guess I never will.
In the office 'til late at night,
Trying to get our double entry right,
And audit file rocking was outta sight.

Well the years went by, now I’m an RI
Susie went and left us for a big 4 guy,
Long nights crying by the coffee machine
Worrying 'bout ISAs and the QAD.
But they'll never kill the thrills we got,
Burning up to the audit file rock
Learning fast as the weeks went past
We really thought the audit file rock would last.

Repeat chorus

Friday, July 21, 2017

Friday, July 14, 2017

If Accountants were like Star Trek characters

Ahead of the launch of the new Star Trek series, Discovery, I am sharing this list - originally created by Michael Cohn, Editor-in-Chief, WebCPA in 2009.

He had been thinking about how accounting firms could become more like characters from the film franchise. His ten suggestions (anglicised where appropriate) are:


1. Find a weird hand signal that means either, “Live long and prosper,” or “My hand feels cramped from typing all these numbers into an Excel spreadsheet.”
2. Take the firm up to warp factor five, or the speed you generally go about a week before January 31.
3. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.
4. Try the Vulcan mind meld when you can’t understand what your client is trying to tell you about why his children should be counted as a business expense.
5. Appoint a skilled liaison to deal with the Romulans, also known as HMRC.
6. Have Scotty beam you up to the bridge whenever your flight gets delayed and you need to get back to the office right away.
7. Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.
8. Establish a work/life balance between fighting aliens and making out with scantily clad Venusians.
9. Set your phaser gun on stun when someone complains too much about getting a low tax refund.
10. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.


Friday, July 07, 2017

Who's afraid of this strong woman?


This is an extract from a letter sent by an accountant to the taxman:
"In reply to your letter of the 12th, there is no documentary evidence of partnership, but when I called at my client's premises to complete the Tax Return his wife was present.  
When I asked if the business belonged to him, his wife immediately answered in the most forthright terms that it was their joint property and I personally was sufficiently convinced not to pursue the matter further. 
I take some pride in my physical condition, but I know my limitations. If you are still not convinced I will take you along in my car to see Mrs X with pleasure, but I will wait outside for you."
Recorded in Peter Vaines and Roger Nuttall's book "The Bottom Line"