Tax offences in the bedroom – a lesson in lust and legislation

A hunky accountant and a charmingly assertive tax inspector give in to their mutual attraction and check into a hotel.

Before things go too far, the inspector insists they cover the topic of protection.

She smiles and says, “This is the perfect opportunity to help you understand tax offences... in a more practical context.”

“Neglect,” she explains, “would be you claiming you simply forgot to bring protection – an honest mistake, but one you’ll regret later.”

“Wilful default is refusing to use the protection I’ve provided – even though you’ve been made fully aware of the risks and consequences.”

“Fraud,” she says, narrowing her eyes, “is when you look me in the eye and claim you’ve had the snip – when in fact, you haven’t even booked the consultation.”

The accountant gulps. “So what happens if I comply fully?”

She winks.
“Well then, you’ve filed everything correctly and on time. No penalties. And possibly… a small reward.”

Little known laws of accountancy clients

The Law of Disappearing Clients 

The closer it gets to the filing deadline, the harder it is to contact them. 

The Law of Last-Minute Miracles 

Clients will always “find” a vital document within seconds of you submitting the accounts. 

The Law of Shoebox Expansion 

No matter how small the original box, its contents will multiply under scrutiny. 

Murphy’s Ledger Law 

The client who insists their records are immaculate will have at least one year missing. 

The Law of Tax Time Amnesia 

No one remembers you telling them how much tax they'd owe when they get a late payment demand gtom HMRC

The Law of Perfect Hindsight 

Everything that went wrong in the accounts is, apparently, your fault for not being psychic.

The Biscuit Budget Rule 

The value of client hospitality is inversely proportional to the size of the fee. 

The Law of Magical Thinking 

Some clients believe tax bills shrink if you glare at them long enough. 

The PDF Law 

Any document urgently needed will be sent as a photo of a printed PDF taken at an angle. 

The Law of Refund Envy 

Clients who owe tax will always know someone who got a refund, and want to know why you didn’t work that same magic.

Why do HMRC pursue odd tax cases?

Years ago I recall discussing HMRC prosecution policy with a senior official. 

He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong. 

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case", he said. "So why did we lose?" 

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know". 

"Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."

Clients' reactions to being told how much tax they need to pay

“Are you sure you typed the decimal point in the right place?” 

“Do I at least get a thank-you card from HMRC?” 

“And I suppose you’ll be asking me to pay it, not you?” 

“What if I just… didn’t? Hypothetically, of course.” “

“You must be confusing me with someone who actually has that kind of money.” 

“Is this tax or some sort of punishment for being moderately successful?” 

“Remind me again why I thought going self-employed was a good idea?” 

"Are you on some sort of flipping commission for the taxman?!"

"Do you get some sort of sadistic pleasure from the amount of tax you're telling me I owe?"

The 6 worst things that happen to auditors

1. Getting in early only to find the manager who's got all the answers is not in today. 
2. Being asked to process a whole shed-load of material adjustments 1 hour before the audit is supposed to finish. 
3. Realising that the 'we-could-finish-a-week-early-and-have-a-jolly' budget has disappeared into thin air. 
4. Being shoved into a cold, pokey, little room in the basement with no windows, mobile phone reception, printer or copier, miles away from where all the people you need to speak to work and 12 floors from the nearest decent snacks vending machine. 
5. Having to ask the difficult finance manager at a client the same questions you know they get frustrated having to answer every year as they explain that nothing has changed. 
6. Finding out that your favourite prestigious audit client has gone bust and your audit partner has gone missing.

Why is there always a vacany for a Finance Director?

If the FD is really good, he will be headhunted - leaving a vacancy 

If the FD is really bad, he will be fired - leaving a vacancy 

If the company prospers the FD may well land the top job - leaving a vacancy 

If the MD dies or retires only the FD has sufficient familiarity with all aspects of the business to take over - leaving a vacancy 

If the company is doing badly, the FD will know first and will leave before anybody else finds out - leaving a vacancy 

 (According to Peter Vaines and Roger Nuttall in their book "The Bottom Line")

What happens when professionals make a mistake?

A doctor's mistake is buried A lawyer's mistake is imprisoned A pharmacist's mistake is poisoned An architect’s mistake becomes a 'feature', An IT expert’s mistake is blamed on 'user error' But, an accountant's mistake is... ....adjusted, corrected and reconciled!