Monday, August 27, 2007

An accountant's lot is not a happy one

"I'm a nothing. I spend my life counting other people's money. People I'm smarter than. Better than! I want... I want... I want everything I've ever seen in the movies!"

- Gene Wilder as Accountant Leo Bloom, in the original 1968 film of The Producers.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

The accountant and the martian

A Martian lands to plunder, pillage, and burn. The Martian goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the solar system. We're here to destroy your civilization, plunder, pillage, and burn. What do you think of that?"

The owner replies "I cannot express an opinion based on a hearsay evidence, I am a Chartered Accountant"

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

The job interview

A bright and experienced accountant is being interviewed for the role of Finance Director.

During the interview with members of the Board the Managing Director suddenly asks: "Tell me, what is seven multiplied by three?" The accountant thinks fast and replies "22."

Once the interview is over the accountant goes out, takes out his calculator and finds the answer - 21. Disappointed, he goes home.

Next morning he gets a call from the MD who tells him that he's got the job. The accountant is pleasantly surprised but can't resist asking: "Thanks for that but what about my mistake with that sum you threw at me - seven multiplied by three?"

The MD tells him - "of all the candidates we interviewed, you came the closest."

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Notable quotes - from history

"Britain will have the simplest VAT in Europe"
- then Chancellor of the Exchequer - Anthony Barber, 1972

"I'm a stickler for tidiness in the office"
- Secretary to tax avoider extraordinaire, Roy Tucker, explaining to the Court why she had thrown away his diaries, 1980

"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then it's a duck"
- Sir David Tweedie, when chief of the Accounting Standards Board, explaining the difference between debt and equity, 1993

‘Those of you who have read the standard on financial instruments (IAS39) and understood it have not read it properly."
-
Sir David Tweedie again, as Chairman of the IASB, delivering a speech at the London Business School, 2005

"The safest job in the city is Accountancy"
- Headline in Accountancy Age, 1976

"I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants."
- Elvis Presley

"My money goes to my agent, then to my accountant and from him to the tax man. "
- Glenda Jackson

"People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant. "
- Ellen DeGeneres

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Lessons in accounting from children

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in game theory. He heard that his intelligent niece, who was five years old, always took a 50p piece, when a choice between a 50p piece and a pound coin was offered to her.

He went to see his niece and offered her just such a choice. She took the 50p and said
"Thank you Uncle".
The accountant tried to explain to his niece
"You must understand, a pound coin is twice as valuable as a 50p piece, so you should always choose the pound coin."
The niece replied
"Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Accountants and light bulbs

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?




Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you....