The overly ambitious aspirational trainee accountant

 The young accountancy graduate, fresh out of university and knowing everything, applied for his first job in a large firm of accountants.

The partner interviewing him asked what starting salary he was looking for.

The young man replied: “Around £100,000 a year, plus usual benefits.”

The partner responded: “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 15% non contributory pension, reimbursed expenses - no questions asked, free attendance at an overseas conference every year with your partner, all mobile and home telephone bills reimbursed, gym membership, Friday night entertainment and a company car replaced every 20,000 miles, say a Mercedes convertible.”

The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”

Which earned the response: “I'm afraid so, but you started it.”

How to make HMRC 'Quite Interesting' (QI TV prog)

BBC TVs QI comedy panel show once focused on the 'Inland Revenue'. (Series I Episode 10)

Some of the stories are worth repeating on this blog:

The world's most exotic tax inspectors are in Pakistan. If you refuse to pay your tax you are shamed into paying it by receiving a visit from a team of tax inspectors who are all transgender. They would then sing and dance in your place of business until you paid up. 

In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

Sandi Toksvig once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

Dara O'Briain recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

Dara himself once tried to claim for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

NB: This episode was first broadcast in 2011 and clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that HMRC took over from the Inland Revenue 6 years earlier in April 2005. 

The episode was hosted by Stephen Fry with Alan Davies and guests Al Murray, Dara O'Briain and Sandi Toksvig.  

10 ways accountants could become more like characters from Star Trek

1. Find a weird hand signal that means either, “Live long and prosper,” or “My hand feels cramped from typing all these numbers into an Excel spreadsheet.”

2. Take the firm up to warp factor five, or the speed you generally go about a week before January 31.

3. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.

4. Try the Vulcan mind meld when you can’t understand what your client is trying to tell you about why his children should be counted as a business expense.

5. Appoint a skilled liaison to deal with the Romulans, also known as HMRC.

6. Have Scotty beam you up to the bridge whenever your flight gets delayed and you need to get back to the office right away.

7. Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.

8. Establish a work/life balance between fighting aliens and making out with scantily clad Venusians.

9. Set your phaser gun on stun when someone complains too much about getting a low tax refund.

10. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.

This is an anglicised version of a list originally created by Michael Cohn, Editor-in-Chief, WebCPA in 2009.

10 song titles reworked for accountants

1. 2 4 6 8 what do we depreciate?
2. Debit to the left of you, credit to the right, stuck in the balance-sheet with you 
3. We can work it out 
4. Let's get digital 
5. The windfall taxes of my mind 
6. I would do anything for love but I won't do VAT 
7. I can't get no Corps Taxation 
8. Living by numbers 
9. Spreadsheet a little happiness 
10.  Anything by Johnny Cash Basis

The accountant's survival kit

You can buy these online - containing a mix of any or all of the following:

1. Boiled sweets - to crunch and give you energy to crunch the numbers
2. Piece of string - to help you tie up loose ends
3. Ace of Spades - so you can make the most of any hand you are dealt
4. Tea bag - for when you get into hot water
5. Safety pin - to help you pin point problems areas
6. Paper clip - to help you hold it all together
7. Marbles - to replace the ones you will lose
8. Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible about things
9. Mint - so you will always have a fresh outlook
10. Candle - for when you're burning the midnight oil
11. Matches - for the candle
12. Googly eyes - to help you spot any mistakes
13. Balloon - to remind you to always reach for the sky
14. Button - for those times you may need to button your lip
15. Needle and thread - for the button
16. Hair grip - for when you need to get a grip
17. Soft drink in a can - to have a drink on me at the end of a long day