Elf-employed.
How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh?
Net Present Value.
Hundreds of stories, jokes, videos, anecdotes, links and quotes relating to accountants, accountancy and tax related topics. If you've got something that makes you laugh - do send it in to mark@bookmarklee.co.uk
Seen on a website for anonymous confessions:
You know how Google offers you suggestions as to what others have searched for with the same opening words as you have typed in the search box?
Here are the top examples of popular questions and searches on Google, that begin: Why are accountants...The company personnel department had carefully interviewed dozens of people for the job of assistant to the financial director.
The head of HR thought that one candidate - Stuart - seemed ideal.After a lengthy tax investigation has concluded the accountant invites his opposite number, an attractive lady tax inspector out for a drink.
They go to the bar of a local hotel. After a few drinks they decide to 'get a room'.
When the subject of contraception is raised the accountant gets a first hand lesson in the difference between neglect, wilful default and fraud - as explained by the tax inspector:Message seen on the front of a greeting card given to a tax partner on his retirement from a sizeable firm of accountants:
All I ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
Credit to AAT for their recent social media activity that generated the above suggestions.
12 things HMRC will never say:
Accountant Nigel Hughes has crafted this topical variation on the Paul Simon classic. It's a fun ditty in itself and even cleverer if you can recall the original tune as you read it!
How to wind up an accountant? Just say something like this:
During a tax investigation an inspector from HMRC asks the taxpayer how he managed to afford such a luxurious holiday villa with such little income. The taxpayer responded with this story:
"While out fishing last summer, I caught a large golden fish. When I took it off the hook, the fish opened its mouth and said that he was a magical fish. This magical fish promised me that if I threw him back into the sea he would reward me with the most luxurious villa I had ever seen. After thinking about it for a moment, I said "OK" and threw the magic fish back into the sea. When I walked back up from the sea I could see the villa, just as the fish had promised."The Inspector laughed and asked how the taxpayer expected to prove such an unbelievable story?
"Abracadabra, thus we learn the more you create, the less you earn.
1. BE HAPPY AT ALL TIMES
Your tax adviser leads a stressful life dealing with HMRC (the Taxman) and cannot cope with you being miserable as well.Written by Sean Kelly
This is a true story about a tax dispute that went on for two years before the underlying issue was clarified. It made me smile.
A while back an Inspector of Taxes explained to me that the owner of the small business had been refusing to co-operate. As a result a relatively straightforward tax dispute about a tax scheme was heading towards the first tier tax tribunal.
It was when the case was reviewed and a new Inspector contacted the taxpayer that the REAL issue became apparent. The taxpayer had misread a letter from HMRC which referred to his involvement in an abusive tax arrangement.
The taxpayer thought that HE personally was being accused of ABUSE and he resented this. In the event a simple apology from HMRC for the misunderstanding enabled negotiations to commence properly and the dispute was later resolved without the need for a formal hearing.
I didn't find out whether it really was the taxpayer who had misunderstood or if the original letter from HMRC was poorly worded. Who knows?!
Book value: Value placed on an asset for accounting purposes that bears no relation to its true worth.
Budgeting: An exercise where the unknowledgeable force the unwilling to predict the impossible based entirely on the inaccurate.
Credit: Something that accountants rarely get.
FIFO: 'First In, First Out', a method of valuing stock. Also a method never used when accountancy firms are considering redundancies.
Goodwill: Concept invested to explain the difference between the value of a company and the price another company paid for it.
LIFO: 'Last In, Last Out', a method of valuing stock. Also a method frequently used when accountancy firms are considering redundancies.
Liability: Money or goods owed by a company. Also a first-year audit trainee.
Prudence: A fundamental accounting principle, designed to lend dignity to inaccuracy.
Reconciliation: The art of proving that one inaccurate figure exactly agrees with another inaccurate figure.
Taken from 'The Bluffer's Guide to Accountancy'
You know you're an accountant when.....
It's been many years since HMRC (the taxman) started to use the word 'customers' to refer to all types of taxpayers and tax credit claimants. Of course 'customers' normally get a choice as to where they shop so it's not the right word.
Here are 11 alternative, not too serious, descriptions. Do you have any other suggestions?Haven't posted any quotes about taxation for a while so here are some more:
Another song penned by Accountant Nigel Hughes. This one should be sung to the tune of the Elton John classic, Crocodile Rock:
I remember when we were young,In January 1986 the political comedy " Yes Prime Minister" featured an episode "The Smokescreen" in which The Prime Minister, Jim Hacker, favours abolishing smoking through heavy taxation but he runs into strong opposition from the tobacco lobby and the Treasury department.
The partners in a 20 strong accounting firm decided to downsize.
Half of the staff were duly handed their redundancy notices. The letters left them in no doubt the firm would be better off without them.I heard a great story recently about the late Philip Hardman (after whom the ICAEW Tax Faculty's annual Hardman event is named).
This story dates back to the days when every tax specialist, team or office would have their own hard copies of what was then Butterworth's Yellow and Orange Tax guides.
Philip was head of tax for Thornton Baker, before it merged with Alexander Grant to become Grant Thornton.
After a tour of the firm's offices, Philip reported back that he was disappointed by the lack of high level tax work being done around the firm. His evidence was the number of Butterworth's yellow books that were NOT dog-eared!
The tax teams were later admonished for not referring to the legislation sufficiently often. Back then there was no other way of checking what the law says.
To avoid repeated criticism the staff apparently found a solution. They would take the yellow and orange books off the shelves and 'bend their Butterworths'!
Goodness only knows how now, in the 21st century anyone can prove they regularly refer to the source tax legislation regularly!
Many years ago when accountancy firms were more formal than they are today, the senior partner noticed a new trainee in the office and called out to him, across the older articled clerks:
The Editor in Chief of Taxation magazine speculates on this question in the 14 Jan issue.
He wonders how she would fare under the statutory residence test as she seems to have spent a lot of her time in the UK.
Perhaps in the next series her deadliest enemy could turn out not to be a dalek but someone from HMRC's anti-avoidance unit. 'Dr Who and the follower notice'. You heard it here first.
The answer to the question though is clearly: No, Dr Who is not liable to pay UK income tax.
The character has no permanent home here, was not born here and earns no money here. Plus, and we should keep this in mind, she's a fictional character allegedly from another planet. HMRC have no taxing powers over such people, real or not ;-)
Following Brexit an accountant approached one his clients who was a fisherman.
I can see you floundering as things are being scaled back. I've been herring rumours you may be taking advice from salmon else. What's the reel fishue?
I know a fintastic plaice to start. Let's close your company down and set you up as a sole trader. I could shoal you why this could be cod for you. It sardinely an op-perch-tuna-ty worth considering.
Notfishstanding the net benefits we don't want HMRC to sea you doing anything fishy.
Why don't you mullet over.
I'm here all week....
With the tax return filing deadline looming clients should be discouraged from trying any of these excuses for late filings:
Some years ago on my first visit to Penrith, Cumbria, to present a talk to the local CIOT branch, I took a cab to the venue. The driver ask...