Check the fundamentals when recruiting finance staff

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed dozens of people for the job of assistant to the financial director.

The head of HR thought that one candidate - Stuart - seemed ideal.

Stuart had been to a major public school. He wasn't a qualified accountant but did have a masters degree in business administration. He satisfied all of the psychological profile checks the company employed and generally impressed the head of HR.

The FD conducted the second interview after checking the notes from the first one and also Stuart's Linkedin profile. All was going well until.....

'Stuart,' said the FD, I've decided to offer you the job. And as you've impressed us so much I'm happy to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you £36,000 a year.

'Thank you,' replied Stuart. 'But how much is that per month?

Ten things only financial controllers will understand

 

1. People never really understand what your job really involves
2. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
3. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
4. You're wasting our time when you promote stuff to us (as we have no buying authority)
5. Having the auditors on site is a pain in the neck
6. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
7. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
8. Friends only call when they want financial advice
9. New versions of Excel are really exciting
10. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits

The purchase ledger accountant's lament

Piles of purchase invoices, in all colours and sizes

Apparently so varied but with very few surprises
The Boss will read them carefully before he authorises
Then it’s my job to process them as my blood pressure rises

I say each number quietly to get it in my brain
And as I type it to the screen I say it once again
The others in the office think my mumbling’s a pain
They say it shows I’m mad, but can I promise you – I’m sane!

Once input to the system I’m so careful where I pile ‘em
Too close to the window, they’ll be gone before I file ‘em
And that would be the end of me, straight off to the asylum…
My loving caring colleagues would be very quick to dial ‘em

So here I am, an invoice clerk until the bitter end
Most of the time I work real hard but sometimes I pretend
I’m living in a different world, with mates and cash to spend
Oh please won’t someone rescue me? I’M GOING ROUND THE BEND!

Written by Sean Kelly.

Bizarre excuses for late filing of company accounts

Each year Companies House receives unusual excuses from directors who fail to file their company accounts on time.

They report that some of the most outrageous reasons given include:

• “goats ate my accounts”
• “I found my wife in the bath with my accountant”
• “pirates stole my accounts”
• “we delivered the accounts to the betting office next door to Companies House”
• “a volcano erupted and prevented me from filing”
• “slugs ate my accounts”
• “it was Valentine’s Day”
• “my company was more successful than I thought it would be, so I was too busy to file”

Imaginary explanations of financial related acronyms

• DEBITS = Desperate Executives Broken by Insider Trading
• EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor
• EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering
• LOMBARD = Lots Of Money But A Right Dick
• CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
• NABRO = Not Another Bloody Regulatory Organisation 
• NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation
• EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence
• FRS = Fantasy Reporting Standards
• P/E = Parole Entitlement
• FIMBRA = Federation of Investment Malpractitioners and Big-time Rip-off Artists
• ISA = Interesting Savings Alternative
• ASB = Adding-up Silly Balances

Any more?

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:

• How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
• The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
• I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
• A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.