Money, Money, Money - fun quotes

 "There's money. And then there's MY money"

- Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
- Woody Allen

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money"
- George Burns

"One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have."
- Gerald Hurst,  

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

Death and Taxes - the full story

Most people (in the UK anyway) who hear the two words 'Death and Taxes' tend to think of Benjamin Franklin (1706-90) who is usually credited with saying: 

"In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." 

This was apparently written in a letter to Jean-Baptiste Leroy, 1789, which was re-printed in The Works of Benjamin Franklin, 1817. 

 Before that however Daniel Defoe used a similar phrase in The Political History of the Devil, 1726: "Things as certain as death and taxes, can be more firmly believed." 

And much more recently Margaret Mitchell says the following in her book Gone With the Wind, 1936: "Death, taxes and childbirth! There's never a convenient time for any of them."

How many accountants are witch doctors? Or is it AI now?

 In a 1964 speech the British law lord, Lord Justice Harman, is reported to have told an audience:

‘Accountants are the witch doctors of the modern world and willing to turn their hands to any kind of magic.’

There was a time when this same quote appeared on the websites of dozens of firms of accountants. 

Maybe we should adopt an amended version of the quote:

‘AI systems are the witch doctors of the modern world and able to turn their hands to any kind of magic.’

(You need to know me to know why that quote so appeals to me. There's a clue in this earlier posting on this blog)

6 fun quotes showing what Americans think about paying taxes

“The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.” – Sam Ewing

“And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.” – Ogden Nash

“There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won’t cure.” – Dan Bennett

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” – Jay Leno

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” – D. Barry

Five funny money and tax one-liners

“It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink”

- Dave Barry

“This would be a much better world if more couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” 

- Earl Wilson
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes”

- Mick Jagger

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t  need it.” 

- Bob Hope

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be" 

- unknown

4 quotes about the tax system

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
WILL ROGERS

"Who is the figure behind every great man, the individual who knows his ultimate secrets? A father confessor? Hell no, the tax expert."
LOUIS ARCHINCLOSS

"A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you it is tax reform."
SENATOR RUSSELL B LONG

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
GERALD BARZAN

"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money."
ARTHUR GODFREY

The News Quiz insults Accountants

On 18 May 2018 panellist Jeremy Hardy on Radio 4's News Quiz commented on negative press comment about big 4 firms of accountants, This was in the context of the failure of Carillion.

He suggested that Carillion is what you might call a number that’s a million times higher than a number any sane person would think of. And added: 

"I’m a bit jealous that there are high rolling accountants. Mine’s quite lacklustre in comparison to that lot. 

I just give him a carrier bag full of receipts and he keeps me out of prison. That’s all that happens."

There was a later reference to a phrase in a select committee report “Carillion was brought down by a combination of recklessness, hubris and greed”

Which prompted fellow panellist Simon Evans to respond: "Recklessness, Hubris and Greed sounds like a good name for the accountants".

Bob Newhart's quotes about accounting

American funny man Bob Newhart originally trained to be an accountant.

He explains that when attempting reconciliations he reckoned that:

"as long as you got within two or three bucks of it, you were all right. But that didn’t catch on … At the end of the day I had to balance the petty cash with the slips—every time you give out money you had to get a slip. It had to balance. Well, I’d be there for three or four hours tying to figure out where the last dollar or dime went to. So finally I’d just take it out of my pocket and I’d put it in. If there were two dollars leftover, I’d take it out … And they told me you can’t do that. You gotta find it. I said, “you’re paying me five dollars an hour to find two cents—it doesn’t make sense.” So I wasn’t a very good accountant."

His 1988 biography quotes Newhart as saying that if he hadn’t taken a gamble with comedy he would still be an accountant:

“Keep in mind, when I started in the late fifties, I didn’t say to myself, ‘Oh, here’s a great void to fill—I’ll be a balding ex-accountant who specializes in low-key humor.’ That’s simply what I was and that’s the direction my mind always went in, so it was natural for me to be that way.” 

Other accountancy related quotes attributable to Bob include:

I worked in accounting for two and a half years, realized that wasn't what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, and decided I was just going to give comedy a try. 

Probably the best advice I ever got in my life was from the head of the accounting department, Mr. Hutchinson, I believe at the Glidden Company in Chicago, and he told me, 'You really aren't cut out for accounting. 

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant. 

The truth is, I look like an accountant, which was my trouble. I looked the part of an accountant, so I’d get hired as an accountant even though I got my degree in management.”

"Why not have a stupidity tax?"

Taken from Absolutely Fabulous. This is Edwina ranting:
Why not have a stupidity tax and just tax the stupid people?"

7 top fun quotes about taxes

"Our tax code is so complicated, we've made it nearly impossible for even the Internal Revenue Service to understand."
FORMER TREASURY SECRETARY PAUL O'NEILL

"The United States is the only country where it takes more brains to figure your taxes than to earn the money to pay it."
SENATOR EDWARD J GURNEY (FLORIDA 1969-1974)

"The way I look at this, we essentially have a tax system that's held together by chewing gum and chicken wire."
ASSISTANT TREASURY SECRETARY FOR TAX POLICY PAMELA F OLSEN

"A friend is one who takes you to lunch even if you're not tax deductible."
JACK BENNY

"If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation."
FARMER'S ALMANAC

"The tax code last year included 2.8 million words. The Holy Bible itself has only about 775,000 words. Obviously, God did not need to issue such copious instructions for living as we currently have for complying with tax laws."
SENATOR ORRIN HATCH

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
ALBERT EINSTEIN

Why famous people didn't want to be accountants

Three related quotes I came across recently:

The first is attributed to Sir Trevor Holdsworth, then Chairman of National Power and a former chairman of GKN plc. Apparently, when he was younger he had hopes of being a musician but bowed to his parents' wishes and became an accountant.

"To be an accountant is a choice of the head, not the heart...to be an accountant is a second choice. It lacks the vocational flavour of the doctor or the cleric, the romance of the armed services...and the born instinct and natural ability of the artist and musician."

Chris Blackwell, the founder of Island Records, worked for a short time in Accountancy. In July 1989 the Mail On Sunday reported him as describing this period of his life as:

"The closest to Hell I've ever been"

And Godfrey Bradman, then Chairman and Joint Chief Executive of Rosehaugh plc was reported to have said to the Independent newspaper on 30 October 1989 that:

"I wake up every morning and thank God that I'm not a Chartered Accountant any longer, but involved with property."

Misquoting the famous re boredom and accountancy

In an effort to show how wrong are those who think accountants are boring, I've misquoted some famous people below - swapping 'accountancy' or 'accountant' as a replacement for the word boredom:

"Your true traveller finds accountancy rather agreeable than painful. It is the symbol of his liberty - his excessive freedom. He accepts his accountant, when he comes, not merely philosophically, but almost with pleasure."

- Aldous Huxley

And a little more worryingly, this one from Danish American actor and poet, Viggo Mortensen:

"There's no excuse to be an accountant. Sad, yes. Angry, yes. Depressed, yes. Crazy, yes. But there's no excuse for accountants ever." 

And, in a similar vein, this one from Dustin Hoffman:

"There's a rebirth that goes on with us continuously as human beings. I don't understand, personally, how you can be an accountant. I can understand how you can be depressed, but I just don't understand accountants."

Clearly the words are not synonymous.
Any more for any more?

Caitlin Moran's views on tax avoidance

The following comments are taken directly from Caitlin's Times magazine column 30 June 2012.

"I don't know about anybody else, but I am genuinely thrilled to be living through an age where accountancy is at the top of the news agenda. It's brilliant."

"Taxation is a sore subject because it is, basically a souped up version of the argument at the   end of a restaurant lunch - where a group of work colleagues start going, "Well, I only had a main and one glass of wine." while someone else gets out their iPhone and starts sourly smashing away at SplitTheBillWithPedants app.  

 The only difference is that when we divvy up the tax bill, of course, we don't invoice people for what they've eaten - but we base it on how rich they are, instead."

"[The principle of tax]...is one that can be very easily countered with a ninja move. For the common and logical defence of tax avoidance schemes....is that they are...PERFECTLY LEGAL"

"In the interests of balance, however, I should point out that it's also PERFECTLY LEGAL to be a total s*** - but that no one will ever thank you for it. It's PERFECTLY LEGAL to crush everything colleagues say with depressing sarcasm, abandon your pregnant spouse, or generally be a massive ball-ache - but I don't think any of us would feel a huge amount of glory defending these behaviours."

I've posted the above on this blog as Caitlin's style is deliberately entertaining. Anyone interested in the subject of tax avoidance schemes might want to read the 3 recent blog posts I wrote for the 'Ambitious Accountants' blog.

Sean Lock on Jimmy Carr's tax scheming

In the week that Jimmy Carr was exposed as a tax avoider and then apologised for his 'grave error', fellow comedian, Sean Lock, generated some great laughs at Jimmy's expense on the TV show '8 out of 10 Cats':

We all like to put a bit of money away for a rainy day. But you're more prepared than Noah!

There's a new tv show you could do: 'Through the Loophole'. "Who lives in a tax haven like this?" 

You've got an illness. You're suffering from tax intolerance. You might even be HMRC positive.

Gary Barlow of 'Take That' also come for a little stick.
Sean said the band is now known as 'Keep That'.
And Jon Richardson concluded that Gary's OBE stands for 'Offshore Banking Expert'.

Jimmy Carr himself admitted that it was all very complicated but that as a result of his offshore agreements he feared that he is now a member of Take That.

AA Gill perpetuates the myth about accountants

"The problem with maths on TV is the same as the problem with maths off TV. It's boring. Maths is the reason we have accountants, who in turn, are difficult and boring."

I hope this blog goes some small way to evidence that such stereotyping is unfair.

From AA Gill's television column in the Sunday Times Culture section yesterday (p17)

Two tax quotes

"What Mae West said about sex is true about taxes. All tax cuts are good tax cuts; even bad tax cuts are good tax cuts."
-- Grover Norquist

"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure."
-- Dan Bennett

A boost for "prudent, middle class accountants"

From Andrew Gimson's sketch in The Telegraph today - re yesterday's Budget.

This Budget was not the work of an evil, upper-class sex maniac, but of a prudent, middle-class accountant who has gone through the nation’s books and reached some sober conclusions about what can be done to get us back on an even keel. As Mr Osborne himself admitted in a rare moment of candour: “This is a Budget built on sound money.”

Suggests to me that he sees being "prudent, middle class accountants" as a good thing. Given the alternative anyway....

The quote above is preceded in the paper by an apology:

We would like to apologise to Mr Osborne for the words that follow. It is unkind to reveal someone’s guilty secret, but this column cannot shrink from telling the truth about the Chancellor.

OTS went boldly where no taxman has gone before

Direct quotes from Michael Jack's Forward in the first report of the Office for Tax Simplification.

“To boldly go where no man has gone before” was the proud boast of the crew of Star Trek’s USS Enterprise. I think that this phrase must have been in the Chancellor’s mind when, last July, he set us off on our voyage of discovery into the world of tax reliefs and allowances.

During our voyage of discovery (which has lasted a mere five months rather than the five years of USS Enterprise) we found...

David Gauke's schoolboy interest in taxation

The Exchequer Secretary to the Treasury, David Gauke MP, introduced his speech at the ICAEW's 2012 Hardman memorial lecture with an amusing recollection.

He said:

My first experience of tax policy was, as a schoolboy, listening to Philip Hardman’s analyses of the Budgets of the 1980s.

Now I don’t want to give a false impression that, as a teenager, I had a precocious interest in tax matters, or that I rushed home from school for the sole purpose of watching a discussion about the tax changes contained in a Budget. I like to think I was pretty normal for my age. And that my interests were fairly typical for a teenage boy – cricket, football, girls and, of course, macroeconomics.

30 years on - What would Rip Van Winkle think?

Professor John Kay presented the Chartered Tax Advisers' Address earlier this week: "30 years of tax policy".

His talk was peppered with references to what Rip Van Winkle might think about key aspects of tax policy, after being absent from the UK tax policy environment for 30 years. He concluded that many of the key issues are much the same today as they were 30 years ago.

At the end of his talk however he generated much laughter from the sizeable audience by observing that:

"The final thing that Rip Van Winkle would do is to pick up the tax code to see if it were any shorter..."