Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner

I’m been a judge for many Accountancy awards. The dinners and award parties are often spoiled by latecomers. Love their names (inspired by the radio show, 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue'

• Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb 
• Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud 
• The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line... 
• The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping 
• Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex) 
• Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con. 
• From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
• Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee 
• All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex 
• Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un 
• Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'. 
• Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows. 

Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…

• I can’t relax in a café if I can see the till is open too long.

• My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.

• I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.

• I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.

• My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”

• I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.

• I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.

• I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction 

• Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back! 

• I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad 

•  When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.

• I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.

 

A dozen ways to maximise the tax you pay (a parody)

 

1. Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.

2. Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.

3. Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”

4. Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?

5. Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.

6. Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.

7. Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.

8. Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?

9. Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.

10. Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.

11. Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?

12. And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.

Inspired by a post by Anthony Scrase on Facebook 

Childhood ambitions that point to accountancy

While my friends played tag, I played "compliance audit" and issued playground-wide risk reports.

Other kids drew castles. I drew cash flow forecasts and colour-coded them by quarter.

I used to alphabetise my sweets and depreciate the ones with sticky wrappers.

I didn’t just play Monopoly. I insisted on calculating net asset value before buying Mayfair.

I dreamt of reconciling my toy till against the chocolate coins in my piggy bank.

As a child, I loved hide and seek — mostly because it mimicked forensic bookkeeping.

My imaginary friend was Inlander Revenyoo We had long chats about allowable expenses.

I was the only kid who ran a tuck shop with monthly management accounts and variance analysis.

Even at five, I believed every teddy bear tea party needed a robust audit trail.

I once grounded myself for breaching pocket money procurement protocol.

When I got a Scalextric, I immediately performed a cost-benefit analysis on the loop-the-loop.

Little known laws of accountancy clients

The Law of Disappearing Clients 

The closer it gets to the filing deadline, the harder it is to contact them. 

The Law of Last-Minute Miracles 

Clients will always “find” a vital document within seconds of you submitting the accounts. 

The Law of Shoebox Expansion 

No matter how small the original box, its contents will multiply under scrutiny. 

Murphy’s Ledger Law 

The client who insists their records are immaculate will have at least one year missing. 

The Law of Tax Time Amnesia 

No one remembers you telling them how much tax they'd owe when they get a late payment demand gtom HMRC

The Law of Perfect Hindsight 

Everything that went wrong in the accounts is, apparently, your fault for not being psychic.

The Biscuit Budget Rule 

The value of client hospitality is inversely proportional to the size of the fee. 

The Law of Magical Thinking 

Some clients believe tax bills shrink if you glare at them long enough. 

The PDF Law 

Any document urgently needed will be sent as a photo of a printed PDF taken at an angle. 

The Law of Refund Envy 

Clients who owe tax will always know someone who got a refund, and want to know why you didn’t work that same magic.

Clients' reactions to being told how much tax they need to pay

“Are you sure you typed the decimal point in the right place?” 

“Do I at least get a thank-you card from HMRC?” 

“And I suppose you’ll be asking me to pay it, not you?” 

“What if I just… didn’t? Hypothetically, of course.” “

“You must be confusing me with someone who actually has that kind of money.” 

“Is this tax or some sort of punishment for being moderately successful?” 

“Remind me again why I thought going self-employed was a good idea?” 

"Are you on some sort of flipping commission for the taxman?!"

"Do you get some sort of sadistic pleasure from the amount of tax you're telling me I owe?"

The 6 worst things that happen to auditors

1. Getting in early only to find the manager who's got all the answers is not in today. 
2. Being asked to process a whole shed-load of material adjustments 1 hour before the audit is supposed to finish. 
3. Realising that the 'we-could-finish-a-week-early-and-have-a-jolly' budget has disappeared into thin air. 
4. Being shoved into a cold, pokey, little room in the basement with no windows, mobile phone reception, printer or copier, miles away from where all the people you need to speak to work and 12 floors from the nearest decent snacks vending machine. 
5. Having to ask the difficult finance manager at a client the same questions you know they get frustrated having to answer every year as they explain that nothing has changed. 
6. Finding out that your favourite prestigious audit client has gone bust and your audit partner has gone missing.

10 reasons accountants make great friends

1. They're an asset that never depreciates 
2. They can work out how to split the bill after a meal (and could do so before apps were developed to resolve this important life skill) 
3. You can always count on them 
4. They make everything balance and give credit where it's due
5. They're used to deadlines – and will still turn up to your party on time
6. They won't judge your spreadsheet, but they might colour-code it.
7. They're used to balancing competing priorities – like beer versus wine.
8. If things go wrong, they'll calmly say: “Let’s see where the numbers don’t add up.”
9. They believe in full disclosure – unless you ask how much they really love spreadsheets
10. They appreciate long-term value – so they’ll never take you for granted

A dozen laws of accountancy that weren't covered in your studies

1. Trial balances don’t. (Not always, anyway)
2. Working capital does not. (Work, that is)
3. Liquidity tends to run out. (Faster than you think)
4. The bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg. (What lies beneath matters more)
5. Depreciation is inevitable. (For assets and accountants)
6. Forecasts are mostly fiction. (But we make them anyway)
7. Profit is an opinion, cash is a fact. (Ask any struggling business)
8.        The auditor is always right. (Especially when they say you're wrong)
9.        A budget is a wild guess wrapped in spreadsheets
10.        There is nothing more permanent than a temporary account
11.        An accountant is a person who will explain that you did not make the money you thought you had
12.        If in doubt, reconcile. (Then reconcile again)

Popular Google searches about tax

Listed below are some of the suggestions from Google based on popular searches 

Why is tax.... 

                 ... so high in the uk? 

                 ... year April to April?

                 ... important? 

                 ... law so complicated?

                 ... reform needed?

                 ... deducted at source?

                 ... theft?

                 ... avoidance legal?

                 ... avoidance unethical?

                 ... going digital?

What is tax...

                 ... deductible?   

                 ... planning?

                 ... residency?

                 ... relief?

                 ... on savings?

                 ... on capital gains?

                 ... on gifts?

                 ... for self employed?

                 ... avoidance?   

                 ... evasion?   

10 popular songs inspired by tax avoiders

1. It’s My Tax (And I’ll Dodge If I Want To) – (inspired by It’s My Life by Bon Jovi) 
2. Uptown Tax Dodge – (inspired by Uptown Funk by Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars) 
3. Offshore (A Place Where My Money Goes) – (inspired by Somewhere Only We Know by Keane) 
4. Blurred Tax Lines – (inspired by Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke) 
5. I Will Declare Nothing – (inspired by I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor) 
6. We Found Tax Havens In A Hopeless Place – (inspired by We Found Love by Rihanna) 
7. Money Don’t Lie (But I Might) – (inspired by Hips Don’t Lie by Shakira) 
8. She Works Offshore For The Money – (inspired by She Works Hard For The Money by Donna Summer) Tax Me Maybe – (inspired by Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen) 
9. Can’t Get This Tax Out Of My Head – (inspired by Can’t Get You Out Of My Head by Kylie Minogue) 
10. Nothing Compares 2 Tax-Free Income – (inspired by Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O’Connor) 

10 experiences that prove you're an accountant

1. Wincing when someone says, "Can’t you just fudge the numbers a bit?"
2. Memorising the HMRC Agent Dedicated Line number memorised but struggling to recall the same for your significant other.
3. Trying to hide that you are an accountant from fellow members of your social, sporting or volunteer  group to avoid being pressured to takeover as Treasurer. 
4. Correcting an error on someone else’s spreadsheet then feeling smug for the rest of the day. 
5. Being slightly disappointed that the film The Accountant didn’t contain much actual accountancy.
6. Inadvertently snarling when someone uses the term “bean counter”. 
7. Wearily correcting ridiculous tax-relief schemes down the pub (no, your Labrodoodle is not a guard dog).
8. Being disappointed there aren’t any TV dramas like Grey’s Anatomy or Suits made about accountants. 
9. Putting “retired” on your conference badge so vendors don't hassle you.
10. Constantly battling the urge to colour-code everything, even your sock drawer.

Reasons NOT to visit your accountant

 It all depends on who you are, but you may have a good reason NOT to visit your accountant. For example: 

•  The structural engineer won’t go if he’s too worried the office will collapse on him. 
• The resting ac-tor, worried they can't claim expenses against the novel they aren't writing. 
• The owner of a paper shop whose business has folded. 
• The owner of a Kipper business that went up in smoke. 
• The Psychic who couldn't go because they hadn't foreseen the travel restrictions. 
• The motor car manufacturer wont go because....don't get me started. 
• The carpet maker feared the accountant would pull the rug out from underneath. They also didn't want to be nailed by the tacks man! 
• The violinist didn't go as she didn't want to be accused of being on the fiddle. 
• The drill operator thought it would be too boring. 
• The watchmaker didn't have the time. 
• The carpenter felt it would go against the grain.

10 ways to run your accounting firm like the Starship Enterprise

 I have always been a fan of Star Trek. Here are some crossover ideas for accountants:

1.  Encourage staff to think like Spock when making deductions—logical, precise, and with the odd raised eyebrow.
2. Take inspiration from the Borg and assimilate new software updates: "Resistance is futile." 
3. Declare "red alert" status whenever a client’s tax return deadline is looming. 
4. Offer “Q Continuum” consulting services for clients who want the impossible done instantly. 
5. Schedule regular "away missions" to clients' offices—just remember to wear red shirts cautiously.
6.  Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.
7. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.
8. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he or she asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.
9. Install a "universal translator" to decode the jargon from clients in niche industries.
10. Designate a "star date" system for deadlines, so no one can ever say they didn't know when the reports were due.

Ten dodgy tax tips best ignored

 

1. Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits
2. Live on a boat and claim you're 'offshore' for tax purposes
3. Don't worry about getting receipts 
4. Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do
5. Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax
6. Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks
7. Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
8. Pay your employees in chocolate coins – it’s a sweet deal for everyone
9. Claim your garden gnomes as security personnel
10. Set up a fake moustache business so you can disguise your profits

Why accountants' friends don't understand them

1. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
2. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
3. They believe tax season only lasts a week
4. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
5. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
6. They only call when they want tax advice
7. New versions of Excel are really exciting
8. "Variance analysis" sounds like a psychological condition
9. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits
10. They think "fiscal year" is just a typo for "physical year"
11. "Amortisation" sounds like a spell from Harry Potter
12. They think "FIFO" and "LIFO" are new dance moves

10 amusing compliments for accountants

 

1. "You make balancing my books look easier than balancing on a tightrope!"
2. "You have the magic touch—turning tax forms into refunds!"
3. "You're better than my favourite calculator!"
4. "If accounting were an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist!"
5. "You're the maestro of money management!"
6. "You turn my financial fears into fiscal fortunes!"
7. "If my finances were a jigsaw puzzle, you'd be the one to put all the pieces together!"
8. "You're the GPS guiding me through the jungle of taxes!"
9. "You make my balance sheet a thing of beauty!"
10. "You transform my tax returns from scary monsters into friendly faces!"

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

..you balance your family’s budget to the penny

..you’ve ever used a VLOOKUP function in a conversation

..you have a special drawer for tax papers

..you know the depreciation schedule for your car

..you always end up taking about tax issues when you attend a party 

..you analyse the cost-effectiveness of every purchase

...you consider a calculator to be a desk ornament

..you bring up tax deductions in casual conversation

..you create a spreadsheet to compare different mobile phone plans

..you ever analyse the cost-benefit of buying a cup of coffee vs making it at home

Are all accountants....?

When you start searching in Google you may have noticed that it often offers to complete your search string. 

In effect the system recognises and offers you the rest of what other people have searched for even if the words are in a different order. 

Here are some of the suggestions Google offered me recently by reference to the few words I typed in each case: 

Are all accountants.... 

.... the same?

.... boring?

..... alcoholics?

Why are most accountants.... 

.....female? (a surprisingly common question it seems, possibly related to the film industry where the accountants named in the credits are indeed invariably female)

....quitting?

Why don't accountants....

....make much money?

....have unions?

....get paid overtime?

Can accountants....

....certify documents?

....sign passports?

....get rich?

....work from home?

....be replaced by AI?

....have tattoos?

10 pop bands featuring accountants - or do they?

• Ledger Zeppelin 
• The Rolling Balances 
• Fleetwood Macroeconomics 
• The Balance Sheetles 
• The Fiscal Fighters 
• The Profit Margin Boys
• The Doublie Entry Bothers 
• The Black Eyed P&Ls 
• Cashabian
• ABBA (Accountants Balancing Books Always)