5 questions that make accountants cringe

1. My friend doesn't include cash sales in his accounts. Why should I? 
2. Why should I have to pay tax, I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school?
3. How do I become a company like my pal and then not pay any tax?
4. What does 'Dave down the pub' mean when he says I can just borrow money from my company and not pay any tax on it?
5. Why haven't you told me I can claim all my food and drink bills through the business? 

How to upset an accountant using 7 words (or fewer)

Can we make this disappear?

I'll do the bookkeeping myself

The ad said the software does it 

Nope, no business bank account

Your fees are too high

Here's my shoebox

I checked this in an online forum

Those meals were for business purposes

Dave said it's ok to claim this

Can you get my tax bill down?

What am I paying you for?

What does reconcile really mean?

Let it go. No one will know.

Can you forget I told you that? 

How much if I pay you in cash? 

Unleash your inner accountant

BMW ads have featured this line for around 12 months but I saw it for the first time only yesterday.

What is it trying to say to the reader?

What accountant-like qualities are being implied?

All views welcome - by way of comments below please.

Can you define a pro-active accountant?

"Is it one who bills you before he does any work?"

With thanks to Russell Weetch

What is a Budget?

Q: What is a Budget?

A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

Do strippers make ideal clients for accountants?

I recently heard about an accountant who specialises in strippers. Whereas other accountants might focus on solicitors(!), hospital consultants, charities or any other business sector, his reasons seem quite logical:

• They are generally honest
• They are high earners with good cashflow
• They are quite up front (literally, apparently)
• They often have big assets (Can't believe I'm typing this!)
• They pay in cash in advance (as they have so much of it)

Are readers aware of any other less common and vaguely amusing target sectors for accountants looking to specialise?

Why are the accountants listed in film credits always female?

I heard today about an accountant who tells everyone he meets that this is a fact of life. When you look at the credits that roll after a film is over, there is always an accountant listed and it's always a woman.

Now, ok, maybe it's only accountants who read the credits that far down, but is this true?

Has anyone else noticed this? Or even looked?

Death is a serious business

Just before the start of a recent session of Matthew Huttons' excellent Monthly Tax Reviews (MTR), a discussion ensued as to the different names that some firms had for their Estate Planning teams.

One lady said that her group were called 'The Wills Girls' (or was that 'Willing'?).

My favourite though was the lady who said that her partners referred to her team as 'The Deads'. She also made a follow up comment that I didn't quite catch about her husband's view of this description. I'd best not speculate as to what he might have said!

I'd be grateful for further suggestions of unusual names for such teams, by way of comments on this thread or by email.