Why accountants' friends don't understand them

1. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important
2. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance
3. They believe tax season only lasts a week
4. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow
5. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax
6. They only call when they want tax advice
7. New versions of Excel are really exciting
8. "Variance analysis" sounds like a psychological condition
9. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits
10. They think "fiscal year" is just a typo for "physical year"
11. "Amortisation" sounds like a spell from Harry Potter
12. They think "FIFO" and "LIFO" are new dance moves

Leaked conversation between Rachel Reeves and Jim Harra

Ahead of the 2024 General Election, The then Shadow Chancellor, Rachel Reeves met with the Head of HMRC, Jim Harra.

"You will understand" said Rachel "that we are under pressure to simply our complex tax system. What can we do?’ 

"I can help you there" said Jim. "I recommend you legislate one simple new tax law".

"It should make clear that from now on everyone, especially the bankers, accountants, lawyers and tax avoiders must stop focusing on the precise wording of tax laws". 

"Instead  they should act in accordance with the Government's intentions when making those laws. No one need bother about the written laws ever again! We could call this concept 'the spirit of the law'."

Rachel smiled. "That sounds good, except for one point that's not obvious to me. How do I know what my intentions were?" ‘I just pass on the laws you give me." 

That's easy" replied Jim. "I shall be more than happy to tell you what your Government’s intentions were, should the need ever arise". 

Being a good accountant takes 5% talent and...

Being a good accountant takes...

.... 5% talent, 13% maths and 81% spotting what's been missed

Being a good accountant takes....

 ... 10% attitude and 90% knowing what's right and what's wrong 

Being a good accountant takes....

... 5% talent and 95% avoiding distractions on the internet

10 amusing compliments for accountants

 

1. "You make balancing my books look easier than balancing on a tightrope!"
2. "You have the magic touch—turning tax forms into refunds!"
3. "You're better than my favourite calculator!"
4. "If accounting were an Olympic sport, you'd be a gold medalist!"
5. "You're the maestro of money management!"
6. "You turn my financial fears into fiscal fortunes!"
7. "If my finances were a jigsaw puzzle, you'd be the one to put all the pieces together!"
8. "You're the GPS guiding me through the jungle of taxes!"
9. "You make my balance sheet a thing of beauty!"
10. "You transform my tax returns from scary monsters into friendly faces!"

An accountant's approach to a suggestion scheme

A firm of accountants (that shall remain nameless) wanted to engage their staff in an efficiency drive so that everyone understood the need to be careful with the firm's money. 

The partners introduced a suggestion scheme facility and promised a prize of £100 for the best suggestion each month - in terms of a simple to implement money saving measure. 

The £100 prize was only awarded once. 

It went to an audit manager who suggested reducing the monthly prize to £50.

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

It's obvious you're an accountant if...

..you balance your family’s budget to the penny

..you’ve ever used a VLOOKUP function in a conversation

..you have a special drawer for tax papers

..you know the depreciation schedule for your car

..you always end up taking about tax issues when you attend a party 

..you analyse the cost-effectiveness of every purchase

...you consider a calculator to be a desk ornament

..you bring up tax deductions in casual conversation

..you create a spreadsheet to compare different mobile phone plans

..you ever analyse the cost-benefit of buying a cup of coffee vs making it at home

How to reduce a client's tax bill

Conversation with a client...

Me: "You've made a taxable profit for the year of £25,000. This means a corporation tax liability of £4,750."

Client: "Is there any way to eliminate the tax bill completely? My mate down the pub said his accountant sorted it so he didn't have to pay any tax."

Me: 🤔 "Well, you could agree to pay me £25,000 in accountancy fees, then your taxable profit will be NIL. NIL profit = NIL tax 

Disclaimer: Whilst this is factually correct, it is not how I do business (duh! 🤣)

BTW The client knew I was joking!

As told by Accountant Nicola J Sorrell on Linkedin