Latest news from 'my mate down the pub'

Conversation with a client...

Me: "You've made a taxable profit for the year of £25,000. This means a corporation tax liability of £4,750."

Client: "Is there any way to eliminate the tax bill completely? My mate down the pub said his accountant sorted it so he didn't have to pay any tax."

Me: 🤔 "Well, you could agree to pay me £25,000 in accountancy fees, then your taxable profit will be NIL. NIL profit = NIL tax 

Disclaimer: Whilst this is factually correct, it is not how I do business (duh! 🤣)

BTW The client knew I was joking!

As told by Accountant Nicola J Sorrell on Linkedin

Late-Night Jokes About Taxes

"I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."
–Jimmy Kimmel 

 "When it comes to taxes, there are two types of people. There are those that get it done early, also known as psychopaths, and then the rest of us."
–Jimmy Kimmel 

 "65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women."
- Jay Leno

 "Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts."
 –Jimmy Kimmel

"And there are a lot of new taxes coming. California state legislators want to solve our state's giant deficit by taxing marijuana. Meanwhile, Oregon wants to increase a tax on beer, while New York wants to tax Internet porn. You know what this means? By the end of spring break, this whole thing could be paid for."
-Jay Leno

Definitions: Intaxication

Intaxication 

Definition:  The euphoria a client feels when receiving a tax refund, which lasts until they realise it was their money to start with.

Origin: This word was one of the winners in the Washington Post's Style Invitational in 2003. This sought new words created by simply adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter of a common word and supplying a new definition

Rudolph - reworked for HMRC

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Hated paying NIC
Went to a sharp adviser
Paid the man a hefty fee

He told the other reindeer
You should do the same as me
Go and see my adviser
Get yourself an MSC

Then one foggy Christmas eve, the taxman came to say:
"Your idea was not so bright
You owe tax, you're banged to rights"

So all the deer were bankrupt
Didn't have a bean they said
Now taxman's after Santa
He'll be really in the red.

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly and
first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Merry gentlemen - Reworked carol as sung by HMRC

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh
For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais
To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,
We've tailed you all the way.
You're go-o-ing to pris-i-on old boy!
Oh what a joy!
You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

If Santa was an accountant...

If Santa was an accountant...

• ...Christmas day would be referred to as "sign-off"
• ...he should worry that Wikileaks would publish his list of presents
• ...all of the kids clothes would be from "Baby GAAP"
• ...his helpers would work in a small room cranking out toys during "present season" which gets longer every year.
• ...letters to Santa would be carried forward from prior year
• ...He'd take advantage of the North Pole's tax haven status
• ...He'd probably moan about all the red tape he has to deal with
• ...his family still wouldn't have a clue what he does at work
• ...he would think about the mileage deduction for his reindeer drawn sleigh!
• ...planning would be done after the gifts were delivered

This is just a small selection of the suggestions volunteered by users of twitter in response to an invitation to use the hashtag: #ifsantawasanaccountant

Do you really need certified copies of that?

Accountants frequently ask new clients to either bring their passport into the office or to supply certified copies. It's a requirement of the anti-money laundering regulations.

An accountant told me recently that a new client recently sent him a package. On opening it the accountant found a copy of the client's passport. What else? Another one. Same as the first. And another, and another. Indeed the package simply contained almost 3 dozen photocopies of the client's passport. None had been certified by a solicitor - or anyone.

The accountant called the client to acknowledge receipt of the package and to find out why he had sent so many copies - and not had any of them certified.

The client was pleased to hear the package had arrived safely.

"But I still don't know why you asked for 35 copies."