Five funny money and tax one-liners

“It’s tax time. I know this because I’m staring at documents that make no sense to me, no matter how many beers I drink”

- Dave Barry

“This would be a much better world if more couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt” 

- Earl Wilson
“I love America, but I can’t spend the whole year here. I can’t afford the taxes”

- Mick Jagger

“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t  need it.” 

- Bob Hope

“A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be" 

- unknown

"Goats ate my accounts" and other excuses

Some of the most outrageous reasons given to Companies House for late filings over the last 12 months include:

• “goats ate my accounts”
• “I found my wife in the bath with my accountant”
• “pirates stole my accounts”
• “we delivered the accounts to the betting office next door to Companies House”
• “a volcano erupted and prevented me from filing”
• “slugs ate my accounts”
• “it was Valentine’s Day”
• “my company was more successful than I thought it would be, so I was too busy to file”

Taken from the news story posted on Companies House website

Tony Hancock - The Income Tax Demand

This classic half hour radio episode first originally aired on 4 November 1956.

Tony Hancock receives a tax demand for £14 12s 3d re ten years' back tax. He refuses to pay as that represents 50% of his income over the period! (Even fifty years ago this would have been a tiny amount!) so he goes to see the Inspector - played by Kenneth Williams.

The inspector tells Hancock that most people ignore his letters. Once they've been ignored twice he ignores the taxpayers! He also recommends that Hancock should go to see a Chartered Accountant "you'll probably get away with it then!". Hancock takes his advice but the accountant turns out to be a crooked Sid James and mayhem ensues.

Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner

I’m often a judge for Accountancy awards. The dinners and award parties are often spoiled by latecomers.  Love their names:

• Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb
• Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud
• Mrs Tor and her son Cred E
• Mr and Mrs N' Counter and their daughter Bea
• Mrs Itnloss and her academic husband the Prof
• The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line...
• Mr Uaddedtax and his daughter Val
• The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping
• Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian  (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex)
• Mr and Mrs Shion and their female cousin from the southern USA, Tex Eva.
• Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con.
• From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
  3
• Everyone's least favourite vicar, the Rev Enue
• Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee
• Mr and Mrs Enture and their daughter Deb
• All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex
• They've been written off previously, but they're back, Mr. and Mrs. Ization and their son A. Mort.
• Mr and Mrs Vertible-Bond have arrived with their debonair young man Conn. what an asset he’ll turn out to be one day.
• Mr and Mrs Peemgee and their daughter Kay
• Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un
• Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'.

Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows. They work in a laboratory where they have to wear an overall. ;-)

The above were suggested in response to my request in a facebook group: I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue Appreciation Society (It's a homage to the popular radio 4 comedy show)

20 famous films with accountancy related themes

1. Never say never again - An outgoing accountant resolves never again to allow his clients to force him to work crazy hours in January. 
2. 10 things I hate to accrue (starring Heath “Nominal” Ledger)
3. Schindler’s Listing – A heartbreaking story about Schindler floating his company on the FTSE. 
4. Dude! Where’s my FAR? – A comedy about two guys who misplace their Fixed Asset Register. 
5. The Shawshank Exemption – a film about a wrongly convicted banker who helps guards avoid an audit [Bit ironic if you know what it was really about!]
6. LIFO Pi - An abstract story about an unaccepted accounting estimate stranded on a boat with a tiger. 
7. InSSAPtion – A sci-fi blockbuster hit about the implantation of statements of standard accounting practices into one’s subconscious.
8. Star Wars: Annual Return of the Jedi – Luke Skywalker battles against an evil empire when he discovers they aren’t filing their annual returns with companies house on time.
9. Accrual intentions – Sarah Michelle Gellar stars as a wealthy teenager taking Reese Witherspoon, a naïve student, under her wing to teach her the accruals concept. 
10. An ACA is born - The senior partner of a large firm, encourages the career of a talented young partner who eventually takes over running the firm
11. Minority audit report – In a future where a special audit unit is able to establish whether accounts are true and fair before they start their fieldwork, an officer from that unit is himself accused of a future fraud. 
12. File Hard with a vengeance - A tax adviser gets a little carried away when he can't access the Companies House portal he uses to submit annual accounts.
13. The Signing – An auditor becomes possessed while on an away job in an isolated hotel where an evil and spiritual presence influences the RI, while his audit team sees horrific forebodings from the past and of the future. 
14. Final estimation – a group of young auditors try and fail to escape death after miscalculating depreciation charges.
15. The Accountant - Chaos ensues when an efficient accountant who is a bit too focused on his work forgets to keep track of his time and which client should pay the bills.
16. ACA Ventura: PET detective – Jim Carrey stars as a personal tax accountant who goes in search of a dolphin gifted as a potentially exempt transfer for inheritance tax purposes.
17. Accrual Runnings – a team of Jamaican accountants with absolutely no knowledge of UKGAAP come to the UK and set up as an audit firm. Hilarity ensues.
18. SA SA Land - a musical imagining of what would happen if everyone filed their SA tax returns with a smile each year
19. Home A-Loan – an incredibly boring film about a child trying to get a mortgage but failing because he’s too young. 
20. Groundhog day - An outgoing accountant resolves never again to allow his clients to force him to work crazy hours in January. 

Typical problem client

Almost every accountant who completes self-assessment tax returns will recognise the following three archetypal clients:

Kara Earabahg – She saves everything up for you and lets you have it in a big plastic bag. You or your staff have to work through a load of irrelevant papers to identify the data that is relevant to the tax return. And sometimes you wonder if you’ve found it all.

Ian Complete – He never sends over everything you need. Typically he forgets to provide details of his pension contributions, gift aid donations and sundry allowable business deductions.

Lars Minit – He ignores all your requests and prompts. He gets you everything you need only just before the filing deadline and has faith in your ability to ensure he avoids late filing penalties.

Best excuses for late filings at Companies House

Each year Companies House receive unusual excuses from directors who fail to file their company accounts on time.

 Some of the most outrageous reasons given include:

•  “goats ate my accounts” 
• “I found my wife in the bath with my accountant” 
• “pirates stole my accounts” 
• “we delivered the accounts to the betting office next door to Companies House” 
• “a volcano erupted and prevented me from filing” 
• “slugs ate my accounts” 
• “it was Valentine’s Day” 
• “my company was more successful than I thought it would be, so I was too busy to file”