The journalist, the engineer, the lawyer and the accountant

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.

He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

 The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Bodmin vs. HMIT in 1854, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down.

He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

The accountant got the job.

Fancy a quick groan?

A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

"What for?!" retorted the man.

"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

Have you ever heard such a crazy excuse from HMRC?

I once heard about a lady who received a letter from HMRC threatening her with fines if she didn't produce a certain document.

In fact she had sent them the document in question a month before and it had got lost within HMRC's office. She explained:

The (perfectly nice) lady I spoke to said that apparently my original letter had contained an all-important blue slip. The internal mail system only recognises blue slips, rather than, say, people's names. My failure to include the blue slip had resulted in my carefully packaged 35-page document entering a postal abyss, never to be seen again. While I recognise that not understanding the importance of the blue slip was negligent, I had called HMRC and asked exactly where I should send the package and to whom. The package had my tax and NI numbers on it.

This got me wondering how – in the absence of the blue slip - I could have got the document to the right person. Clearly sending something registered post is no use. I suppose I could try delivering it in person, but I've just googled East Kilbride and it's a really long way away. Plus, if HMRC's internal posties can't find someone in their own building, I'm not sure I'd have more luck. Maybe the person in question is very difficult to find – her desk is in an air-vent or something.

The reason first given to the lady was that her letter had failed to reach the person in question because it's 'a really big building'.

10 famous people who nearly became accountants

All of the following trained to be accountants - in some cases, not for very long but found fame through other talents and skills:

1. Arnold Brown - "Possibly the only Glaswegian Jewish ex-chartered accountant stand up comedian in the world".
2. Eddie Izzard - failed accountancy student who turned to surreal stand-up comedy and acting. His father was Harold Izzard, a former president of the institute of internal auditors and chief auditor of BP.
3. Robert Plant - gave up accountancy training to sing for the rock band Led Zeppelin.
4. David Graveney OBE - former chairman of the England Test selectors (1997 until 2008).
5. John Grisham - the novelist is well known for being a lawyer prior to his writing career. His first degree however was in Accounting from Mississippi State University.
6. Bob Newhart - American funny man who got his first job out of the army working as an accountant in downtown Chicago.
7. Alan ("Fluff") Freeman - DJ Alan Freeman worked as an assistant paymaster/accountant for one of Australia's largest timber companies after leaving school.
8. Pádraig Harrington - the Irish professional golfer passed his final exams in 1994 to gain admittance to ACCA.
9. Fred MacAulay - the Scottish Comedian graduated from the University of Dundee with an MA in accountancy and jurisprudence. He went on to work as an accountant in a number of companies before moving into Comedy.
10. Ron Moody - British actor probably best known for playing the part of Fagin in the stage and film versions of Oliver, he originally trained to be an accountant at the London School of Economics.

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven.
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.
The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of hoodies. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and then I reached for my mobile phone to call the police, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

An accountant is a person who....

A range of views revealing how some people see an accountant as a person who :

• displays deviant behaviour when it comes to numbers
• can do tricky sums
• experiences an inner peace in the knowledge that debits should always equal credits
• knows the inner thrill of viewing a well structured Chart of Accounts
• gasps at the majestic splendour of a Trial Balance
• marvels at non-accounting colleagues who guiltlessly work from home or leave early on a Friday
• rarely misses a trick when it comes to claiming expenses or receiving above-inflation pay rises
• has made a lifetime vow never to take a holiday at month end
• spends more evenings with the office cleaner than with their partner
• sorts out all the mess

It pays to make good recommendations

An accountant has been advising an eminent Emir on his domicle status. The Arab aristocrat complained of back pain so the accountant recommended a brilliant young chiropractor he knows and who then visits the Emir in his London hotel.

Although the Emir had been in agony the chiropractor's phenomenal skills at soothing angry vertebrae quickly brought some relief. And after a week of daily treatment the Emir was fully recovered.

The young chiropractor has no idea what fee to charge so he asks the accountant who recommended his to the Emir. "What should I do? Treat him for free as an honoured visitor, or would that be insulting? Should I ask him for my normal fee even though he can afford vastly more or should i just charge a round figure, say £2,000 which I know he can well afford?

The accountant says, "try this - send him your fee note but leave the amount blank. Simply write across the top of you bill the words: "The Emir is always fair".

Within a month the chiropractor received a cheque from the Emirate's exchequer or £50,000! He phoned the accountant at once to tell him the god news and to thank him.

The next day the young man received an invoice from the accountant for his advice. The amount had been left blank and across the top of the bill were the words: "The Chiropractor is always fair".

Adapted from an old Bob Monkhouse story included in his book: "Just say a few words"