To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty
To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be
Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.
Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.
Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”
Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?
Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.
Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.
Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.
Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?
Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.
Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.
Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?
And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.
ACCOUNTS – Always Chasing Clients, Often Underpaid, Never Taking Sabbaticals
RECAP – Routinely Explaining Concepts Again Patiently
RECEIPTS – Random Envelopes Containing Evidence In Perpetual Tattered Shape
TARDIS – Time Allocation Rarely Delivers Income Sadly (How it feels quoting fixed fees for 'quick' jobs.)
P&L – Panic & Last-minute (The only true accounting method for sole traders at year-end.)
While my friends played tag, I played "compliance audit" and issued playground-wide risk reports.
A hunky accountant and a charmingly assertive tax inspector give in to their mutual attraction and check into a hotel.
Before things go too far, the inspector insists they cover the topic of protection.
She smiles and says, “This is the perfect opportunity to help you understand tax offences... in a more practical context.”
“Neglect,” she explains, “would be you claiming you simply forgot to bring protection – an honest mistake, but one you’ll regret later.”
“Wilful default is refusing to use the protection I’ve provided – even though you’ve been made fully aware of the risks and consequences.”
“Fraud,” she says, narrowing her eyes, “is when you look me in the eye and claim you’ve had the snip – when in fact, you haven’t even booked the consultation.”
The accountant gulps. “So what happens if I comply fully?”
She winks.
“Well then, you’ve filed everything correctly and on time. No penalties. And possibly… a small reward.”
