Two drunk accountants have an outrageous idea

At the end of a long day, 2 accountants, Peter and Paul, have had a few drinks and are reviewing their decision to invest in a new building for their small accounting practice. 

They start thinking about how to fill the surplus space.

"Why don't we put a brothel on the 1st floor" says Peter.  "We could offer clients the facility to wait upstairs while we prepare their fee notes. That way when clients complain about getting screwed by their accountants they actually are getting screwed."

Paul, laughed nervously at this outrageous suggestion. Then, also drunk, added a slight twist. "We could be even more multidisciplinary, without getting into all that 50 Shades of Grey stuff. Let's put some lawyers on the 2nd floor. Then clients can decide for themselves which is the house of most ill repute".

Is this the way to do an audit?

Spoof of the Peter Kay version of the Tony Christie Classic. Includes a number of novel rhymes and a bunch of methodologists from PwC. Methinks it may not be an officially sponsored film. Watch out for the robotic antics of the last guy through the swipe gates just before the end.

Surgeons arguing about best patient types - including accountants

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and backside are interchangeable."

A tax themed xmas carol

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh

For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais

To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,

We've tailed you all the way.

You're go-o- ing to pris-i-on old boy!

Oh what a joy!

You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly (as it was back then) and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Heather's 12 days of accountingmas

This wonderful final verse of Heather Smith's take on the 12 days of Christmas includes some lovely gentle ribbing of accounting speakers and conferences. 

Are lap dances tax deductible? (parody: A Few Good Expenses)

How to manage a firm of accountants

A new managing partner was about to be appointed at a large accountancy firm.

His predecessor met with him privately and presented him with three large numbered envelopes. “Keep these in your desk drawer and open them in order as and when you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but after six months, a number of key partners resigned and the new managing partner started to take some flak. At his wits end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to the drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, “Blame your predecessor.” The new managing partner called a Partners meeting and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous managing partner.

About a year later, the firm's profits had dipped and partner drawings had to reigned back.  Having learned from his previous experience, the managing partner quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Blame your management committee.” This he did and a couple of members of the committee duly stood down and were replaced.

The firm’s fortunes quickly started to improve again. After a while however the firm was once again experiencing problems as a couple of their largest clients moved to a competitor firm.

The managing partner went to his desk and removed the third envelope. The message inside read, “Prepare three envelopes.”