Friday, December 01, 2023

When a young accountant bought a donkey

Many years ago a young accountant, Warren, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £200. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

When he drove up the farmer said: "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." 

Warren replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've gone and spent it already." 

Warren said, "OK, then just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Warren replied: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Warren was insistent: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 

 A month later the farmer met up with Warren and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Warren replied: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £800." 

 The farmer was astonished: "Didn't anyone complain?" Warren replied: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back." 

 Rumour has it that some years later Warren returned to the City and joined one of the largest firms of accountants, where he eventually became senior partner.

Friday, November 24, 2023

The final word on nutritional advice for accountants

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health as it affects accountants (and everyone else): 
1. Japanese accountants eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

2. Mexican accountants eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. Chinese accountants drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

4. Italian accountants drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. German accountants drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

CONCLUSION: British accountants can eat and drink what they like. It's UK Accounting standards that are apparently what kills them.

Friday, November 17, 2023

Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Friday, November 10, 2023

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

Friday, November 03, 2023

You know you need a new accountant when....

  • Your Accountant begins the initial interview with "When I was in prison..." 
  • After completing your tax return showing a balance due of £3,000, your Accountant asks for it in cash. 
  • You see your Accountant on TV. On Crimewatch 
  •  Your Accountant thinks "amortisation" is Italian for "making love". 
  •  Every time you visit Your Accountant in their office, they're smoking a joint. 
  • Your Accountant tells you "You probably won't go to jail for this, but..." 
  • Your Accountant is also a Lawyer, and is representing your partner in the divorce proceedings. 
  • Your Accountant tells you he hasn't filed his own tax return in years 
  • Your Accountant seems to have a cold all year long....and powder residue on his desk 
  • Your Accountant is just happy to hear from you - even if it is at the end of January!

Friday, October 27, 2023

10 scary tax movies for Halloween

  1. Tax Return of the Living Dead 
  2. Silence of the ledgers 
  3. Friday 31st January 
  4. Rosemary's Bookkeeper
  5. The Taxorcist 
  6. Auditor Dogs 
  7. VATman begins 
  8. Psycho tax inspector 
  9. Phantom of the Tax Office 
  10. Little shop of HMRC 

Friday, October 20, 2023

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant

The Song of a Lovesick Accountant 

How to account for your loss of interest? 
How to analyse your manner strange? 
Tell me truly of my errors: 
Narrate the reasons for this change. 

Your company and loving presence 
I value over all else on earth. 
If some goodwill can now be shown 
I venture we’ll see love’s rebirth. 

Reconciliation swift I now am seeking: 
This current impasse leaves me tense. 
Do not discount my urgent pleading: 
Do not keep me in suspense. 

 Dennis Flynn

When a young accountant bought a donkey

Many years ago a young accountant, Warren, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £200.  The farmer agreed to deliv...