Valentine messages for accountants in love

No need for adjustments,

No late review —

My forecast is clear:

I’m in love with you.

Roses are red,
The budget is tight,
But loving you
Still feels just right.

Roses are red,
Tax returns are due,
But I’d rather spend
My deadline with you.

5 questions that make accountants cringe

1. My friend doesn't include cash sales in his accounts. Why should I? 
2. Why should I have to pay tax, I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school?
3. How do I become a company like my pal and then not pay any tax?
4. What does 'Dave down the pub' mean when he says I can just borrow money from my company and not pay any tax on it?
5. Why haven't you told me I can claim all my food and drink bills through the business? 

Tax planning joke from Milton Jones

The comedian Milton Jones recently explained why his full name is 'Milton 22 Acacia Avenue Jones'

It's because someone told his father that he could save tax by putting his home in his son's name 

Why tattoo artists make good clients for accountants

Some accountants specialise in dental practices. Others work with solicitors, tech start-ups, or the occasional high-street café that’s “definitely going to franchise this year”.

But tattoo artists? Now there’s an underrated client base.

Here’s why the inked elite might just be your next dream clients:

🖋️ They’re used to permanent records 

😬 They understand painful mistakes – and the importance of correcting them carefully, in stages, over several sessions.

🕵️‍♂️ They’re used to dodgy cover-up requests 

📈 Their business is always in demand – especially post-breakup, midlife crisis, or after a stag do or hen night

💸 They respect pain thresholds – which comes in very handy when you’re explaining their January tax bill over Zoom, with “that face” on.

The client who wouldn't open his post

An accountant told me about one of his early clients who, years ago, never opened any official looking envelopes. 

The accountant had to do this when he visited each month. And he then told the client what action needed to be taken in each case. 

 In an effort to get the client to open letters from the accountant himself he started sending them in distinctive grey coloured envelopes. However the client rarely opening these either. 

On one occasion the accountant wrote: "I'm writing this letter knowing that I'll be the one to open it when I come to visit you next month." He laughed when that is exactly what happened.

On another occasion the accountant sent his bill in a pretty coloured envelope. The accompanying letter started: "I hope you like the envelope. I used it in the hope that you'll have opened it without realising it was from me!"

Comedians' views on taxes and accountants

“I don’t mind paying tax. I just wish it came with a receipt and a returns policy.” - Jo Brand 

“Tax is one of those things everyone agrees is necessary, provided someone else is paying most of it.” -  David Mitchell

“There’s a wonderful moment when you realise the taxman knows exactly how much you owe… and is waiting to see if you do.” -   Billy Connolly 

“I have a tax problem. I’ve paid too much.” - Spike Milligan 

“People say ‘pay your fair share’ as if anyone knows what that is — including the people collecting it.” -  Romesh Ranganathan     

“I earn just enough to worry about tax, but not enough to feel clever about it.” - Josh Widdicombe

“People love saying ‘tax the rich’ until they realise the rich includes anyone more organised than them.” - Katherine Ryan    

“There’s a moment when you start earning more and suddenly HMRC knows your name.” - Rob Beckett  

“I like the idea of tax being simple. I just don’t believe anyone who says it is.” - Sara Pascoe  

“I enjoy bureaucracy when it’s someone else’s problem — which is why accountants deserve respect.” - Joe Lycett 

10 more popular films with accountancy related themes

1. Minority audit report – In a future where a special audit unit is able to establish whether accounts are true and fair before they start their fieldwork, an officer from that unit is himself accused of a future fraud. 
2. File Hard with a vengeance - A tax adviser gets a little carried away when he can't access the Companies House portal he uses to submit annual accounts. 
3. The Signing – An auditor becomes possessed while on an away job in an isolated hotel where an evil and spiritual presence influences the RI, while his audit team sees horrific forebodings from the past and of the future. 
4.  Final estimation – a group of young auditors try and fail to escape death after miscalculating depreciation charges. 
5. The Accountant - Chaos ensues when an efficient accountant who is a bit too focused on his work forgets to keep track of his time and which client should pay the bills. 
6. ACA Ventura: PET detective – Jim Carrey stars as a personal tax accountant who goes in search of a dolphin gifted as a potentially exempt transfer for inheritance tax purposes. 
7. Accrual Runnings – a team of Jamaican accountants with absolutely no knowledge of UKGAAP come to the UK and set up as an audit firm. Hilarity ensues. 
8. SA SA Land - a musical imagining of what would happen if everyone filed their SA tax returns with a smile each year 
9. Home A-Loan – an incredibly boring film about a child trying to get a mortgage but failing because he’s too young. 
10. Groundhog day - An outgoing accountant resolves never again to allow his clients to force him to work crazy hours in January.