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The altruistic dead accountant

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven.
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds.

Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of hoodies. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and then I reached for my mobile phone to call the police, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”
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The interchangeable accountant

I love this story of the interchageable accountant.

Peter spent ages asking around his local area and getting positive testimonials. He eventually chose a very reputable firm based on several recommendations.

Unfortunately, the day he went for his appointment he was running late and inadvertently walked into the accountants next door to the one he was supposed to be visiting. They said they had no recollection of his appointment (not surprising really), but sent him to an office really quickly and in no time he was talking to his new accountant.

Peter says he has since been really happy with the service they provide and wouldn't change them. He's glad he did all that research!

7 ways to avoid winding up your tax adviser

1. BE HAPPY AT ALL TIMES
Your tax adviser leads a stressful life dealing with HMRC (the Taxman) and cannot cope with you being depressed as well.

2. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR TAX ADVISER TO BE SYMPATHETIC WITH YOUR PROBLEM
Your tax adviser's ethical code requires him to be objective and independent.

3. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF YOUR TAX ADVISER'S ADVICE LOSES YOU MONEY
You must appreciate that tax IS DIFFICULT and an occasional experience of negative income is only to be expected.

4. DO NOT ASK YOUR TAX ADVISER TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE'S DOING OR WHY
Unfortunately the jargon inherent in tax matters is not compatible with explaining it to someone like you in a way you would understand.

5. BE PREPARED TO TRY FIENDISHLY COMPLEX TAX SCHEMES WITH ENTHUSIASM
Though the planning may be ineffective and cost you a lot, the resulting thesis on the deficiencies of such schemes may result in the tax adviser acquiring further letters after his name.

6. PAY ALL YOUR TAX ADVISER'S BILLS PROMPTLY
It is a…

Do accountants make the best patients?

Five international surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients.

The Danish declares: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The African  surgeon replies: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The German surgeon observes: "I think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The American surgeon points out: "I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The British surgeon shuts them all up by pointing out that: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There is no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the derriere are interchangeable."

Putting accountants out of business

In 1965 the Chancellor (Jim Callaghan) introduced his Budget Speech with the prophecy that he would so simplify the system that accountants would be put out of business.

The 1965 Budget is particularly memorable as it introduced two new concepts - Corporation tax and Capital Gains Tax.

At the time, tax specialist Adam Broke was a newly married breadwinner. He was initially concerned that perhaps there would be no future for tax advisers. He recalls that the Chancellor's ambitions were thwarted by the inclusion in his proposals of "small minded concepts such as close companies".

As a result, Adam spent only milliseconds worrying whether he had chosen the wrong career.

Little has changed over the years. Each tax change that purports to introduce simplicity into the tax system is similarly bedevilled by undue complexity, oversights and 'small minded concepts'.


4 quotes about the tax system

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
WILL ROGERS

"Who is the figure behind every great man, the individual who knows his ultimate secrets? A father confessor? Hell no, the tax expert."
LOUIS ARCHINCLOSS

"A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you it is tax reform."
SENATOR RUSSELL B LONG

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
GERALD BARZAN

"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money."
ARTHUR GODFREY

The News Quiz insults Accountants

On 18 May 2018 panellist Jeremy Hardy on Radio 4's News Quiz commented on negative press comment about big 4 firms of accountants, This was in the context of the failure of Carillion.
He suggested that Carillion is what you might call a number that’s a million times higher than a number any sane person would think of. And added: 
"I’m a bit jealous that there are high rolling accountants. Mine’s quite lacklustre in comparison to that lot.  I just give him a carrier bag full of receipts and he keeps me out of prison. That’s all that happens."
There was a later reference to a phrase in a select committee report “Carillion was brought down by a combination of recklessness, hubris and greed”
Which prompted fellow panellist Simon Evans to respond: "Recklessness, Hubris and Greed sounds like a good name for the accountants".