5 quick jokes about accountants

1 - The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night...

....I woke up every hour and cried.

2 - I'm not saying my accountant is too literal, but when I asked him to check my balance, he pushed me over.

3 - Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.

4 - What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance? A late night.

5 - Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He had a ton of paper work to do.  But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t budget. So he decided to work it out with a pencil.

Ten dodgy tax tips best ignored

Board up your windows so you won't get caught if they reintroduce a windows tax. 

Behave yourself and avoid syntax. 

Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits. 

If you work cash in hand be sure to wash all your wages to avoid catching Coronavirus. 

HMRC have no problem with retrospective tax planing

Don't worry about getting receipts 

Yes, we can rewrite the past and pretend you did things that you didn't really do.

Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax. 

Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks. 

Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you.

Free tax advice?

Years ago I heard a great story that accountant Keith Lawrence assured me was true.

He had taken an initial phone call from someone wanting help with their tax. 

After a brief conversation Keith invited them in to meet with him to see if he could help (and to see if he wanted to take them on as a client). 

On their arrival the 'client' looked around and expressed a little surprise that the office was smaller than he'd expected. He was also surprised to learn that Keith was an accountant as well as a tax adviser. The client just wanted tax advice. 

They sat down together and the 'client' started to explain his tax problem. When Keith raised the question of fees the 'client' was shocked. He'd assumed that tax advice was free. 

After a few moments it then became apparent to Keith why the 'client' was so confused. He thought he had called The tax office. HMRC.

The Priest, the Doctor and the Accountant

A rich old businessman calls his Priest, Doctor and Accountant, to attend him during his last days.

“I’m dying” he says. “They say you can't take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong.”  

“Father, you have tended to my spiritual needs and gave me absolution when my conscience bothered me. Doctor, you have tended to my physical needs and kept me going through all my excess. 

Steve (the Accountant) you have advised me how to make even more money, and even helped keep me out of jail when the tax man was after me. 

I am going to request one last thing from each of you. Here are 3 envelopes each containing £100,000. When I die, I want you each to throw your envelope into the grave as they bury me. That way I get to take some of my money with me.” 

A few day later the businessman died. 

At the funeral the Priest, Doctor and the Accountant dutifully threw their envelopes into the grave as it was being filled in. 

Afterwards, when they were walking through the church yard, the Priest turned to the other two and said, “Gentlemen, I have something weighing on my conscience that I must tell you. You know I run a shelter for the homeless and needy. I could not in all conscience waste all that money, so there was only £50K in the envelope I threw into the grave.” 

The Doctor then spoke, “Father” he said “I’m so pleased you told us this. You know that I help run a clinic for down and outs and addicts, that can't get help anywhere else. I couldn’t see all that money go to waste when it could help so many, so there was only £25K in the envelope I threw in.” 

The Accountant looked in horror at the Priest and Doctor, “Despite your worthy ideals you cheated our friend out of his final wish. I'm disappointed in you both. The least you could have done is what I did and put a cheque into the envelope for the full amount.”