Tax planning joke from Milton Jones

The comedian Milton Jones recently explained why his full name is 'Milton 22 Acacia Avenue Jones'

It's because someone told his father that he could save tax by putting his home in his son's name 

How to describe a glass that's half full/empty

To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty

To the optimist, it’s 1/2 full

To Excel, it is 1st February. (Jan 2nd in the US)

To an AI chatbot, there isn't enough data to describe that

To a recruiter, it's not enough - as you deserve a glass that’s always full

To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be 

When the taxman chases the recently departed

A few weeks after Bernie died, his sister, Susie, intercepted a letter sent to him by HMRC. It was a request for a tax return.

Susie took the letter to her accountant who, after asking a few questions, suggested she reply as follows and pp the letter 'from Bernie (deceased)':

One of the advantages of having died is that there is no tax in heaven. It's a beautiful place. When I was alive I paid tax through the PAYE system and had not had any direct dealings with the taxman for many years. I can't say I'm that fussed about the outstanding return as I had no unearned income and left very little in the way of an inheritance for my sole living relative, my sister. Also, such matters seem so mundane since my recent demise. I might add that I have not yet met anyone from HMRC up here!

Are accountants the best patients for surgeons to operate on?

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. 

 The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." 

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded." 

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order." 

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would." 

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and backside are interchangeable."

7 Christmas Cracker jokes for accountants

 What's the biggest overhead in Santa's accounts? 

- Private Elf care 

What’s an accountant’s favourite Christmas carol?
- Debit bells, debit bells, debits all the way!

Why does Santa pay so little tax? 

- He claims Gift Relief (Gift Aid would've been funnier) 

What is the employment tax status of Santa’s helpers? 

- Elf-employed

Why are accountants terrible at Christmas charades?
They insist on doing a full disclosure before acting anything out.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? 

- Net Present Value. 

Why did Santa get in trouble with the tax man?

- He missed the deadline on his elf-assessment.

6 tax deduction one-liners

Every year my friend asks if he can deduct the cost of his jogging shoes for tax purposes. It’s a running joke.

My client recently started a gardening business because he wanted to grow his net income.

Another client wanted to write off  the cost of a new bespoke suit. They said it would be a tailored deduction.

It would be wrong to claim a deduction for a new watch, but it could be a timely mistake.

My friend wanted to deduct the cost of his glasses. I told him that was short-sighted.

And anyone who thinks they can claim their morning coffee as a business expense should note that’s a perk, not a write-off.

Which parrot should the accountant buy?

 An accountant went into a pet shop to buy a parrot for company in his office.

The shop owner showed him a pretty parrot on a perch and explained that it was ideal for an accountant as it knew some mild swear words but only used them when it heard someone say  "HMRC".

The accountant asked how much it was and the shop owner said it was only a hundred pounds.

The accountant felt he could invest more than this so asked if there were any other parrots.

"Certainly" replied the shop owner. "This blue one doesn't swear at the taxman but he will learn your clients' names and greet them personally whenever they come into your office. This one is for sale at one thousand pounds".

This was more than the accountant wanted to spend so he asked the price and talents of a third parrot that was sitting quietly in the corner of the pet shop.

"Aha" said the shop owner. "That's the most expensive parrot. It costs five thousand pounds".

The accountant was astonished any parrot could cost that much. "What the heck can it do?"

To which the shop owner replied "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two say he's their Senior Partner."

Paying tax with a smile

 At the end of a serious tax investigation, the Inspector of Taxes announced that the taxpayer owed over £10,000.  The Inspector continued: "You know, paying tax is your civic duty and you should be proud to do what's right. I'd like to see you settle your liability with a smile."

To which the recalcitrant taxpayer replied: "Thank Goodness for that. I thought you'd want money."

Thanks to Mike Thexton for this old joke.

3 groan inducing accountancy jokes

The taxman wanted to know why a farmer felt he could get tax relief for a £500 expense listed as ‘entertainment’?” 

The farmer replied, “That’s for my scarecrow. It entertains the crows.” 

A client whose accountant maintained his books in the cloud had the perfect justification for keeping all his paperwork in a shoebox.

He was a sole trader.

A trainee was curious about a regular payment passing through a client's bank accountant. The client supplied copies of his bank statements with notes written beside each transaction. 

The trainee asked the accountant what business the client was in and learned he was a car mechanic. 

At which point the trainee asked 'So why does he buy so many Drawings'.

The accountant with a special time clock

Years ago there was an unscrupulous accountant who always overcharged his customers. 

 He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours. 

He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours. 

 He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife. 

He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife. 

 The latter was his most proud accomplishment. Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later. 

He remonstrated with her “Dear why would you leave me? I have given you money, a fine house, companionship and a great love life!” 

She replied, “True, you have given me money and a fine house – although by ill gotten gains. Your companionship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!”

When a young accountant bought a donkey

Many years ago a young accountant, Warren, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £200. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

When he drove up the farmer said: "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." 

Warren replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've gone and spent it already." 

Warren said, "OK, then just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Warren replied: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Warren was insistent: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 

 A month later the farmer met up with Warren and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Warren replied: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £800." 

 The farmer was astonished: "Didn't anyone complain?" Warren replied: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back." 

 Rumour has it that some years later Warren returned to the City and joined one of the largest firms of accountants, where he eventually became senior partner.

Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

The King and HMRC

It is not well known that the King is a keep fit enthusiast and insists on all of his gym equipment being laid out in exactly the same way ahead of each training session. 

When he can't make it he pays a small fine. 

The sign on the palace gym door reads: HM Customs and Exercise.

The accountant and the bikers

An accountant is sitting alone in a country pub sipping a beer and reviewing some accounts which he has out on the table in front of him.

A bunch of bikers roar up to the pub and when then go inside they immediately begin harassing the accountant. He tries to ignore them as they insult him and make fun of his glasses, the accounts and the fact that he isn't responding to their taunts.

The accountant continues to ignore the bikers who then begin poking at him and getting physical. One of the bikers pours beer on his head. He does nothing. Another pokes him with a pool stick. He does nothing. Another sweeps his accounts off the table onto the floor and stamps all over them covering the papers in mud and grime. Still he does nothing.

Eventually the accountant pays for his drinks and leaves the bar.

One of the bikers turns to the bartender and says, "Not much of a man, was he?" sneering at the cowardice of the accountant who did not defend himself against a bunch of guys who outnumbered him and were bigger than him.

And the bartender turns to the biker and says, "He's not much of a driver, either. He just drove his car over all of your bikes."

What does it take to be a good tax accountant?

Q: What does it take to be a good tax accountant? 

A: Two things – grey hair and haemorrhoids. 

 The grey hair makes you look distinguished and the haemorrhoids make you look concerned.

The dangers of being over promoted?

A tax manager was driving up the motorway on his way to see a client when his senior partner phoned him and told him that he'd been promoted to senior manager. 

The tax manager was so shocked he swerved the car. 

A few minutes later the senior partner phoned the tax manager again to say he'd been promoted even higher and would be made a tax director. 

The manager swerved the car again. 

Then the senior partner told the manager that he was actually being promoted straight to partner. 

The manager was so shocked he drove off the road and went right into a tree. 

The police came and asked him what had happened. He said "I careered off the road"

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

5 of the best answers. Can you offer any more?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... How many would you like it to be? 

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... What kind of answer did you have in mind? 

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you.

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

.... Two. One to change it and one to make sure it was done within budget.

And lastly, my favourite: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb? 

 One, but he'll have 800 of them to do in January.

An accountant goes to the doctor....

 An accountant knocks on the door of the local GP's surgery and walks in.

"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that the accountant turns around and walks out.

30 seconds later they are back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."

The Doctor looks up from his desk and asks: Are you an accountant?"

"Yes"

 "Ok, In that case I think it's obvious. You have a serious case of double entry."

Flags and taxes

A British guy was chatting with his American friend and offered a fun explanation about the red, white and blue in our National flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."