After 2 years, it took just 2 minutes to resolve this HMRC query

 This is a true story about a tax dispute that went on for two years before the underlying issue was clarified. It made me smile.

An Inspector of Taxes was explaining to me that the owner of the small business had been refusing to co-operate. As a result a relatively straightforward tax dispute about a tax scheme was heading towards the first tier tax tribunal.

It was when the case was reviewed and a new Inspector contacted the taxpayer that the REAL issue became apparent. The taxpayer had misread a letter from HMRC which referred to his involvement in an abusive tax arrangement. 

The taxpayer thought that HE personally was being accused of ABUSE and he resented this. In the event a simple apology from HMRC for the misunderstanding enabled negotiations to commence properly and the dispute was later resolved without the need for a formal hearing.

I didn't find out whether it really was the taxpayer who had misunderstood or if the original letter from HMRC was poorly worded. Who knows?!

Rudolph and the Revenue

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer 

Hated paying NIC 

Went to a sharp adviser 

Paid the man a hefty fee 

He told the other reindeer 

You should do the same as me 

Go and see my adviser 

Get yourself a PSC 

Then one foggy Christmas eve

the taxman came to say: 

"Your idea was not so bright 

You owe tax, you're banged to rights" 

So all the deer were bankrupt 

Didn't have a bean they said 

Now taxman's after Santa 

He'll be really in the red. 

 Written by Chris Williams and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

If Santa was an accountant.....

 If Santa was an accountant...

• ...he would report true and fair (naughty and nice)
• ...he would collect receipts for subsistence from the secret 'other' Santas who service other countries
• ...all of the kids clothes would be from "Baby GAAP"
• ...his helpers would work in a small room cranking out toys during 'present season' which gets longer every year.
• ...letters to Santa would be carried forward from prior year
• ...he'd probably moan about all the red tape he has to deal with
• ...his family still wouldn't have a clue what he does at work
• ...he would think about the mileage deduction for his reindeer drawn sleigh
• ...you'd only have to be 'materially' good to get 'substantially all' of your gifts
• ...most of the insignificant things on your wish list would be disregarded and "noted for next year"
• ...he would give you review comments on your christmas list
• ...he wouldn't get paid overtime but his elves would
• ...it wouldn't be called a gift list, it would be a request list and listed in order of importance.
• ...he'd have to follow those Hobby Loss Rules. Not much profit in the Santa business :-)
• ...he'd divide the world's children into assets and liabilities
• ... there would be 4 big Santas

This is a selection of the suggestions volunteered by users of twitter in response to an invitation to use the hashtag: #ifsantawasanaccountant

Santa's tax satus

 A few year's back. Taxation magazine published this enquiry from a reader:

On a visit to the UK last year I picked up a copy of your magazine and wonder if readers can advise me. I am non-domiciled and non-resident (I think) in the UK – no permanent home here – but each year I work temporarily in the UK for a short period.

The work is unpaid, but I do receive benefits in kind; glasses of port, mince pies and the like. I am rather concerned that I have not declared these to HMRC in the past. Should I have done so and is there an annual tax liability to be paid on these gifts or benefits? And if there is, how is the tax calculated under self assessment?

The chosen pseudonym is "S. Claus".   

I wonder what advice one would give him for 2023?

The 12 days of Christmas or Taxmas (a reworked xmas carol)

 First line: On the first day of Taxmas the taxman sent to me:

- A rejection of my time to pay plea

The second verse:

On the second day of Taxmas, the taxman sent to me
- Two demand notes and
- A rejection of my time to pay plea

...and so on.
The last verse is:

On the twelfth day of Taxmas, the taxman sent to me
Twelve months to pay my debt
Eleven penalty charges
Ten confusing statements of account
Nine booklets on 'How to complain'
Eight explanatory leaflets
Seven website links
Six excuses for the delay
Five more queries
Four VAT returns to file
Three blank tax returns
Two demand notes and

One reluctant acceptance of my time to pay plea.

When I had the idea for this I checked online and found there was an old US version of the 12 days of Taxmas. Mine was developed independently.

An accountant learns the truth about game theory

There was an expert accountant who was well versed in game theory. 

He heard that his intelligent niece, who was five years old, always took a 50p piece, when a choice between a 50p piece and a pound coin was offered to her. 

He went to see his niece and offered her just such a choice. She took the 50p and said "Thank you Uncle". 

The accountant tried to explain to his niece "You must understand, a pound coin is twice as valuable as a 50p piece, so you should always choose the pound coin." 

The niece replied "Uncle, but then people will not offer me any money."

Matt Hancock to appear in new show: Accounting with the Stars

Politicians, actors and other 'selebs' have been queuing up in the hope of getting a steady job in accountancy via the latest talent show that producers hope will top the TV ratings. 

"I always had this secret dream that I might one day work in some area of financial management" said an excited MP, "but this TV show means that at last there is the chance that my dreams might come true…" she said as she practised her audition piece with her calculator and spreadsheet.

"Ever since I was a kid I used to practise accountancy in my bedroom…’ confessed a popular TV actor, whose identity we are protecting until his participation is confirmed. "I sent a few tables of some projected expenses into all the big firms, but even though they kept rejecting me, I always believed I had the financial acumen and auditing skills to make my dreams come true."

"This means the whole world to me" wept another 'seleb', after being told that she had been shortlisted for the show.  Decisions have yet to be made as to who will be the judges. 

Expectations are high that one judge will end up being accused of being too brutal with some of the accountancy hopefuls. 

Imagine if Matt Hancock MP was to take part and causing one of the judges to shout: "You call that deductible!" and forcing him to tear up his illegible receipts from some Australian gift shop. "Forget it Matt. You’ll never make it as an accountant; you’ll just be a laughing stock ex-MP for the rest of your life".

Popular accounting terms - redefined

 Profit – A chief executive who gives the accountant the bottom-line.

Debtor – A high society fillies’ coming out trip.

Corporation Tax – A levy on people with large stomachs.

Turnover – The number of times customers are fooled into buying your product.

Budget – A caged bird that can fly through the sound barrier.

Expended – Exhausted from all that shopping.

Drawings – The creative art of taking money from your business.

Stock-take – Counting the number of items taken home from work without payment.

Book-keeping – Those books not given to the accountant.

Fixed Cost – Size of required bribe.

Cost Accounting – Size of accountants' bill.

Liability – A gift for telling the opposite of the truth without detection.

And finally –

Asset – A complete collection of posteriors.

With many thanks to Rod Wilson of RWA Ltd Accountants (Rod tells me that RWA = Really Wicked Accountants)

The overly ambitious aspirational trainee accountant

 The young accountancy graduate, fresh out of university and knowing everything, applied for his first job in a large firm of accountants.

The partner interviewing him asked what starting salary he was looking for.

The young man replied: “Around £100,000 a year, plus usual benefits.”

The partner responded: “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 15% non contributory pension, reimbursed expenses - no questions asked, free attendance at an overseas conference every year with your partner, all mobile and home telephone bills reimbursed, gym membership, Friday night entertainment and a company car replaced every 20,000 miles, say a Mercedes convertible.”

The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”

Which earned the response: “I'm afraid so, but you started it.”

How to make HMRC 'Quite Interesting' (QI TV prog)

BBC TVs QI comedy panel show once focused on the 'Inland Revenue'. (Series I Episode 10)

Some of the stories are worth repeating on this blog:

The world's most exotic tax inspectors are in Pakistan. If you refuse to pay your tax you are shamed into paying it by receiving a visit from a team of tax inspectors who are all transgender. They would then sing and dance in your place of business until you paid up. 

In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

Sandi Toksvig once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

Dara O'Briain recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

Dara himself once tried to claim for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

NB: This episode was first broadcast in 2011 and clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that HMRC took over from the Inland Revenue 6 years earlier in April 2005. 

The episode was hosted by Stephen Fry with Alan Davies and guests Al Murray, Dara O'Briain and Sandi Toksvig.  

10 ways accountants could become more like characters from Star Trek

1. Find a weird hand signal that means either, “Live long and prosper,” or “My hand feels cramped from typing all these numbers into an Excel spreadsheet.”

2. Take the firm up to warp factor five, or the speed you generally go about a week before January 31.

3. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.

4. Try the Vulcan mind meld when you can’t understand what your client is trying to tell you about why his children should be counted as a business expense.

5. Appoint a skilled liaison to deal with the Romulans, also known as HMRC.

6. Have Scotty beam you up to the bridge whenever your flight gets delayed and you need to get back to the office right away.

7. Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.

8. Establish a work/life balance between fighting aliens and making out with scantily clad Venusians.

9. Set your phaser gun on stun when someone complains too much about getting a low tax refund.

10. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.

This is an anglicised version of a list originally created by Michael Cohn, Editor-in-Chief, WebCPA in 2009.

10 song titles reworked for accountants

1. 2 4 6 8 what do we depreciate?
2. Debit to the left of you, credit to the right, stuck in the balance-sheet with you 
3. We can work it out 
4. Let's get digital 
5. The windfall taxes of my mind 
6. I would do anything for love but I won't do VAT 
7. I can't get no Corps Taxation 
8. Living by numbers 
9. Spreadsheet a little happiness 
10.  Anything by Johnny Cash Basis

The accountant's survival kit

You can buy these online - containing a mix of any or all of the following:

1. Boiled sweets - to crunch and give you energy to crunch the numbers
2. Piece of string - to help you tie up loose ends
3. Ace of Spades - so you can make the most of any hand you are dealt
4. Tea bag - for when you get into hot water
5. Safety pin - to help you pin point problems areas
6. Paper clip - to help you hold it all together
7. Marbles - to replace the ones you will lose
8. Rubber band - to remind you to be flexible about things
9. Mint - so you will always have a fresh outlook
10. Candle - for when you're burning the midnight oil
11. Matches - for the candle
12. Googly eyes - to help you spot any mistakes
13. Balloon - to remind you to always reach for the sky
14. Button - for those times you may need to button your lip
15. Needle and thread - for the button
16. Hair grip - for when you need to get a grip
17. Soft drink in a can - to have a drink on me at the end of a long day

Alternative names for HMRC

Back in 2004 the FT asked its readers to come up with a name for the merging departments of the Inland Revenue and Customs & Excise. The merger took effect from April 2005 since when the organisation has been known as HMRC or HM Revenue & Customs or simply The Revenue. Plenty in the media and in Parliament have also continued to refer to the body, incorrectly, as the Inland Revenue - as if the last 7 years had never happened).

The winning entry in the FT's competition was suggested by Ed Troup, who is now Director General Tax and Welfare at HM Treasury. He suggested: Finance Collection UK though it would have been known by its initials, were they not already in use by the retail chain French Connection.

 Other suggestions included:

• iTax 
• Taxes R Us

With the benefit of 7 years experience, what abbreviations or names might be more appropriate now if The Revenue was to go for a rebrand?

Those I've seen suggested recently include:

• As an acronym HMRC is HoMewReCker!
• Department of National Financing 
• Department of National Funding 
• Department of Social Financing
• Duties, Income Levies, Deductions, Operations (but that might have some initial problems)
• DRC = Department for Revenue Collection
• P I N C H - Processing Income Now Creates Help (...for tomorrow) 
• Crown Revenue Service 
• British Revenue Services 

Any more?

10 new theatre shows for accountants

1. There's a SUM thing About Mary - A jolly new musical about the financial realities of raising an infant in biblical times. 
2. Seven loopholes for seven brother accountants 
3. Planes, trains and auditors 
4. A Tax Inspector Calls 
5. Much ado about xero 
6. The Sums of Navarrone 
7. Tax Fiddler on the Roof 
8. 42nd spreadsheet
9. The bookkeeper of Mormon
10. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Auditor

Football and accountancy in one joke?

A local football team is desperate for players. So desperate in fact that one Sunday they are forced to play a chicken. Rather surprisingly the chicken has a brilliant first half. One minute it's clearing off its own line, the next threading the perfect through ball, the next putting in a perfect cross.

At half time all its team-mates are very pleased and everyone runs back onto the pitch for the second half.

On the way the ref starts chatting with the chicken.

"Great first half mate, you must be really fit".

"Thanks", replied the chicken, "I try to keep myself fit but it's difficult finding the time so I try to do an hour in the gym each morning before work".

"What do you do then?" asked the ref.

"I'm a chartered accountant" replies the chicken.

At this point the ref immediately brandishes the red card and sends the chicken off. The bemused team-mates gather round the ref and start complaining.

"Sorry lads", says the ref, "I had no choice - Professional fowl".

Drawing up the hearse and letting them smell the flowers

When I was a partner in a large firm one of my colleagues had an enviable reputation. 

He was a really nice guy and yet was also renowned for his ability to persuade prospective clients that their problems were much worse than they had assumed when they arrived for meetings with him. 

He described his approach as: "Drawing up the hearse and letting them smell the flowers". 

I was reminded of this recently when I was told about one of the Big 4 firms. Apparently they studiously avoid giving any advice during initial meetings with prospective clients. 

I was told: "If you go in knowing nothing, you know nothing more coming out, but you're very, very scared!"

Ten laws of Accounting

1. Trial balances don’t 

2. Working Capital does not 

3. Liquidity tends to run out 

4. Return on investments never will 

5. Bottom line is only the tip of the iceberg. 

6. If you need accounting to prove it, it was probably not true in the first place 

7. There is nothing more permanent than a temporary account 

8. An accountant is a man hired to explain that you did not make the money you did 

9. Accounting is economics without assumptions 

10. Obviously accounting pays, otherwise there would be no accountants.

Inspectors of taxes and alligators

A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. 

“Do you serve inspectors of taxes?”, he asks the barman. 

“Of course”, says the barman. 

 “Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have an inspector taxes".

Did the accountant teach the old man a lesson?

An old man was selling watermelons. 

His price list reads: 1 for £3 or 3 for £10. 

A young accountant stops by and buys three watermelons, one by one, paying £3 for each. 

As the young accountant walks away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realise I just bought three watermelons for only £9? Maybe business is not your thing." 

The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach ME how to do business." 

The young accountant heard what the old man said and vowed to never again be so arrogant or stupid. 

He went on to run his own practice and never forgot his watermelon lesson. 

Listen to your clients for they may well know more about their business than you do.

10 maddening things accountants hear from their clients

1. “But you’re an accountant, I’m not supposed to pay any tax if I get you do my Return” 
2. "Can’t you get my tax bill down, I haven’t got the money to pay that” 
3. “So my tax bill is £1k. If I spend £1k, my tax bill is £0, right?“ 
4. "I want to become a company like my mate as now he doesn’t pay any tax" 
5. “I’ve worked like crazy during the last year or so, and you’re asking me to give a chunk to the tax man – not sure why I bothered, now – I might as well get a 9 to 5” 😲 (from someone who achieved his goal of being a first time home-owner as a result of such “bothering“) 
6.  “I heard from that guy on TV (we all know who that is, don’t we?) that if I did X,Y or Z it would get rid of my tax bill” 
7. "But my friend doesn't put cash sales on his tax return" 
8. "But why should I have to pay tax? I have private healthcare and the kids go to boarding school"
9. "But Dave down the pub told me you can just borrow money from your company and not pay any tax on it" 
10. "But my friend said she claims expenses on all her food at work on her tax return"

Why do accountants.....?

Google suggests the most common search phrases that start 'Why do accountants...?  

Why do accountants wear visors?

Why do accountants use brackets for negative numbers?

Why do accountants earn so much?

Why do accountants use spreadsheets?

Why do accountants make so much money?

Why do accountants make so little?

Why do accountants use excel?

Why do accountants exist?

Why do accountants make good lovers? 

The balloonist and the accountant

One of my clients tells me he was out walking his dog when a hot air balloon crash landed in a field nearby. 

My client ran over to check the pilot was ok. He seemed to be fine and asked my client where he was. 

My client was feeling mischievous and replied "You are about 2 feet off the ground in a wicker basket in the middle of a green field". 

To which the pilot responded "You're a Chartered Accountant aren't you?" 

My client had to agree and asked the pilot "How did you know?" 

The pilot replied "It was simple really, the information you gave me was precise, accurate and totally bl**dy useless!" 

Had the joke finished here as it normally does, I might not have included it here as I'm not keen on reinforcing old stereotypes. But it continues with my client's brilliant reply to the balloonist: 

"And you must be a Manager - you don't know where you are or where you are going, you have failed to control the situation you find yourself in; and now you expect someone else to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system

The top 10 signs you need a new accounting system are: 

 10. The service technician keeps threatening to retire 

 9. “Reconciliation” is your middle name 

 8. You ask for “proficiency in DOS” when hiring staff 

 7. When calling Support you hear laughter in the background 

 6. Salesmen no longer call you about upgrades 

 5. You have to go for coffee whenever you click on “Post” 

 4. Your system came on diskettes 

 3. The last person to know the setup password retired to Florida 

 2. Nobody understands the reports 

 and the top sign you need a new accounting system is . . . 

 1. Your sub-ledgers need counselling for “irreconcilable differences.”

A disgruntled 'customer' of HMRC

To the Chief Tax Person at HMRC 

 For some time your website has stated that you see me as a customer of your services. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

 Let me tell you why I am fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after me of late: 

- To help even out my cashflow, when I have surplus funds, I lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of my forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send me statements that show where I stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and 

- You seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

 If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea how to look after your customers. 

 As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is that you supply. 

 

Yours faithfully,

The Beatles - taxman

"Taxman was when I first realised that even though we had started earning money, we were actually giving most of it away in taxes." 

- Gerorge Harrison 

  Lyrics 

 Let me tell you how it will be 

There's one for you, nineteen for me 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Should five per cent appear too small 

Be thankful I don't take it all 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah I'm the taxman 

 If you drive a car, I'll tax the street, 

If you try to sit, I'll tax your seat. 

If you get too cold I'll tax the heat, 

If you take a walk, I'll tax your feet. 

 Don't ask me what I want it for 

If you don't want to pay some more 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

 Now my advice for those who die 

Declare the pennies on your eyes 

'Cause I'm the taxman, yeah, I'm the taxman 

And you're working for no one but me

There was an accountant - limericks

There was an accountant called Max 

Whose main line was working in tax 

He couldn't wait 

For the 1st February date 

When he could have a rest and relax 

 There was an accountant called Grace 

Who was rather red in the face 

With her returns she was late 

And was rather irate 

But knew everything would fall into place.

The tax Inspector and the publican

Many years ago when local inspectoprs of taxes made visits to their local, a publican had an afternoon meeting with a tax inspector in his pub. 

The publican had been claiming tax relief in respect the upkeep of his 'guard dog' but the taxman was unwilling to concede that this was acceptable. 

 The publican replied that upstairs in the pub were both the dog and the lunchtime takings. 

He invited the taxman to go upstairs, on his own, and if the taxman returned with the takings the publican would agree to add back the disputed expenses. 

The taxman's response was to allow the expense in full. 

  My thanks to Barry Jefford of George Hay, Chartered Accountants, who told me this story many years ago, after he heard it from his client, being the publican in question

How accountants do it...

Accountants do it by the book. 

Accountants do it within budget. 

Accountants do it to the bottom line. 

Accountants do it with double entries. 

Accountants do it between spreadsheets. 

Accountants are Certified to do it in Public. 

Accountants do it without losing their balance.

Out of the mouths of babes...

This true story may only make sense if you know me, but it's worth recording anyway:

 Many years ago when my nephew Zach was about 8 years old he told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be like Uncle Mark. 

 "An accountant?" his mother asked, a little incredulous that little Zach could be interested in the subject at such a young age. 

What could have happened to inspire this attraction to the profession she wondered. 

Zach's reply was priceless. "Oh," he said, "Is that what you call someone who does magic tricks?"

An acronym that didn't catch on

Following the merger of the Inland Revenue and Customs & Excise in 2005 we should be used to references to Officers of Revenue and Customs. Surprisingly though no one ever referneicnes them using the releated acronym ORCs. Taking this a step further, when we talk about ORCs using their powers, we could use the acronym: PORCS This could lead to ORCs using their PORCs to identify when taxpayers have told Porkies. Shame it didn't cvatch on!

Ken Dodd's tax case

When the comedian Ken Dodd was charged with tax fraud in 1989 he vetted a string of barristers before eventually telling his solicitor that he wanted to see George Carman. This proved to be a wise move. The case bore many of the hallmarks of a typical Carman performance: a famous defendant, seemingly incontrovertible evidence and a sensational acquittal. The result owed much to Carman's deftness at arguing that comic genius and careful accounting were strangers. He encapsulated the hypothesis in a phrase that he rightly judged would strike a chord with the jury: "Some accountants are comedians," he said. Then, after a pause: "But comedians are never accountants."

What clients say and what they mean

"We keep excellent records" =  Our books are a mess but don't you dare say otherwise, also I would like a discount please. 

"I'm looking for a flexible accountant" =  I will ring you evenings and weekends and expect an immediate answer. I may even call on Boxing Day. Late. 

"My last accountant didn't file the accounts on time and we got fined" =  I don't expect this to happen with you, though I will ignore repeated reminders and only give you the records one week before year end.

"My last accountant was an idiot" = I'm an idiot. 

"I'd like to negotiate on your fees" =  Although I want to squeeze more out of you, I've watched the Apprentice so I know how to negotiate. Lower your fees but not your service - and don't expect payment on time either. 

"My wife studied AAT years ago so she will be doing the bookkeeping" = Don't try it on with me matey boy, I have an expert in the camp, and get ready to be told how to do your own job.

10 years since Jimmy Carr's tax scheming made the news

In 2012, after Jimmy Carr was exposed as a tax avoider and then apologised for his 'grave error', fellow comedian, Sean Lock, generated some great laughs at Jimmy's expense on the TV show '8 out of 10 Cats':

- We all like to put a bit of money away for a rainy day. But you're more prepared than Noah!

- There's a new tv show you could do: 'Through the Loophole'. "Who lives in a tax haven like this?" 

- You've got an illness. You're suffering from tax intolerance. You might even be HMRC positive.

Gary Barlow of 'Take That' also come for a little stick.

Sean said the band is now known as 'Keep That'.

And Jon Richardson concluded that Gary's OBE stands for 'Offshore Banking Expert'.

Jimmy Carr himself admitted that it was all very complicated but that as a result of his offshore agreements he feared that he is now a member of 'Take That'.

Irregular verbs to describe variations on tax planning and tax avoidance

 At it's simplest perhaps we have:

I only pursue approved tax incentives

You look for tax avoidance opportunities

He breaks the law and evades tax

One variation is:

I pay all the tax due

You look for easy ways to avoid paying all the tax due

He engages in aggressive tax planning

Another is:

I manage my financial affairs sensibly 

 You engage in aggressive avoidance 

 He/She is a slimy tax cheat

And looked at from another perspective:

I receive public spending

You get tax incentives

He gets a subsidy

What further variations can you come up with?

How the post was shared out at the tax office

 This take dates back to the days of the Inland Revenue, before they became HMRC, when there were local offices each headed by a District Inspector (DI). 

One such DI went for a drink with his assistant to mark the DI's imminent retirement.

The Assistant DI took the opportunity to ask his boss to clarify something:

"It's always puzzled me how you were able to so often leave the office to play golf at 3 o'clock each day. 

In the mornings you always divided the incoming post into three piles. You and I took equal sized piles of post and left the third one for the next day. 

Even though you seemed to distribute the post randomly as between us, your desk was always clear at 3 o'clock whereas I often had to stay until 5 or 6 o'clock to clear all my post. 

How did you manage it?"

The District Inspector replied:

"Simple. When it got to 3 o'clock each day I put any answered post back on the pile that we'd left for the next day!"

Thanks to Richard Mannion who related this tale to me a while back. Not sure if he said it was a true story or a joke!

Taxing everything - the tax poem

Tax their land, Tax their wage, Tax the bed in which they lay. 

Tax their tractor, Tax their mule, Teach them taxes is the rule. 

Tax their cow, Tax their goat, Tax their bras, Tax their coat. 

Tax their ties, Tax their shirts, Tax their work, Tax their dirt. 

Tax their cars, Tax their drink, Tax them if they try to think. 

Tax their booze, Tax their beers, If they cry, Tax their tears. 

Tax their bills, Tax their gas, Tax their notes, Tax their cash. 

Tax them good and let them know That after taxes, they have no dough. 

If they holler, Tax them more, Tax them 'til they're good and sore. 

Tax their coffin, Tax their grave, Tax the sod in which they lay. 

Put these words upon their tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom!' 

And when they've gone, We won't relax, We'll still be after Inheritance TAX!!

Author unknown. Updated to make it gender neutral by Mark Lee

How do you know if you're part of a small, medium or large firm of accountants?

 A small firm is one where everyone knows everyone.

A large firm is one where no one knows everyone.

A medium sized firm is one where there is always someone who knows everyone.

Thanks to David Lewis of Camrose Consulting for that one.

20 years ago when Andersens went into Deloitte

Some firms merge. 

Sometimes one firm acquires the other. 

Sometimes this is referred to as a takeover. 

 Twenty years ago in 2002 when Andersens went into Deloitte, the words 'merger', 'acquisition' and 'takeover' were all banned. 

Instead staff and partners were instructed that the correct and only word to use was simply, the 'transaction'. 

Perhaps this was to avoid references to my long preferred description of so many such 'transactions' as a mergeover.

Ten more puns for accountants

1. Immature accountants don’t act their wage.
2. Accountants don’t retire, they just close the books.
3. Accountants are like gymnasts as they need to be good at finding their balance.
4. Stoic accountants have good internal controls.
5. Accountants like working in glass offices because transparency is important.
6. My accountant's pre-tax income is gross.
7. Accountants quit when they lose interest.
8. Accounting can be accrual profession.
9. Some accountants have great figures.
10. Every accountant counts.

Six riddles about accountants

 What disease kills more accountants than any other?

- TB. 

What do you call an accountant or who can't account? 

- An ant. 

What do cannibal accountants do at their Office Christmas Dinner? 

- Toast their clients.

Where do accountants live? 

- In tax shelters. 

Why do so many accountants fall over? 

- They lose their balance.

What do you call a Trial Balance that doesn't balance? 

- A late night.

Do Accountants' laugh?

"Do accountants laugh?" was a question posed online by top Comedy Magician, John Archer (runner up in BGT 2019) ahead of performing at a gig for accountants.

Among the replies he received were:

• It depends on their clients
• Only where they lose their balance
• When it's at someones else's expense
• Yes, when their balance sheet balances
• As soon as you pay their bill

Ten accounting puns

1. Be audit you can be. 
2. It’s accrual world. 
3. Make every day account. 
4. Mind the GAAP! 
5. Excel at everything. 
6. Accounting is a career for smart assets. 
7. An accountant’s biggest workout is crunching numbers. 
8. Don’t hate, depreciate. 
9. Accountants can be the LIFO the party. 
10. Stoic accountants have good internal controls.

New non-chargeable codes for accountants' timesheets

For those accountants still using timesheets and wanting to distinguish time spent on different non-billable activities:

5316 Useless internal meeting 

5317 Helping colleague with yet another alternative to Zoom

5350 Covering for incompetence of colleague 

5400 Trying to explain things to new colleague who just doesn't get it 

5480 Eating snack 

5490 Updating status on facebook 

5500 Filling out timesheet 

5501 Inventing timesheet entries 

5640 Miscellaneous complaining 

5800 Posting status updates on the firm's social media accounts

6206 Gossiping 

6207 Planning an office social or work event

6211 Updating CV 

6221 Pretending to work while boss is watching 

6350 Playing jokes on a new colleague

7010 Checking to see if the firm has been mentioned online

7281 Extended visit to the loo and surfing social media 'news'

8100 Reading online blogs 

8102 Laughing while reading blogs 

9106 Explaining to Partner why we cannot bill all of the time on the clock 

9107 Explaining to staff why we need to bill more than the time on the clock 

9108 Negotiating fee with client before fee note sent out 

9109 Writing covering letter/email to justify size of the fee note 

9110 Responding to client's questions re the size of the fee note 

9111 Preparing a tailored version of the WIP ledger to support the fee note 

9112 Negotiating fee with client after fee note sent out 

9113 Celebrating when client pays larger than normal fee

Any more for any more?

When QI focused an episode on the Inland Revenue

Ten years back, when Stephen Fry still hosted the BBC TV programme QI, episode 10 of Series I was focused on the Inland Revenue*. 

Here are some of the amusing anecdotes referenced in that episode: 

• In Andhra Pradesh, India, tax inspectors use drummers to get people to pay tax, by standing outside the place of business and banging on the drums loudly until they pay up. The comedians on the show considered how the 'Inland Revenue' might achieve a similar outcome here. The favoured conclusion was to send in the Morris Dancers.

• Sandi Toksvig (who was a guest on this episode) once spent three days with a tax man who investigated all of her accounts. In the end he did not find anything and the taxman said: "To be honest Miss Toksvig, I just wanted to meet you."

• Dara O'Briain (another guest) recalled an actor who tried to claim his carpet against tax because of the wear and tear he caused when he walked up and down while he learnt his lines. He did not get away with it. 

• Dara himself once tried to claim tax relief for a bed but failed, while Sandi attempted to claim for some paintings in her office, failing as well. She told the tax inspector that no-one could possibly work in an office which had no art in it. Sandi looked around the inspector's office and saw that it had just one poster in it, which explained the Heimlich manoeuvre.

* This episode was first broadcast in November 2011. Clearly no one had told the researchers or producers that the Inland Revenue had ceased to exist more than 6 years previously. The UK tax authority has been known as HMRC since April 2005!

Dodgy advice on how to avoid tax

• Board up your windows so you won't get caught if they reintroduce a windows tax.
• Behave yourself and avoid syntax.
• Make a loss - you only pay tax on profits.
• If you work cash in hand be sure to wash all your wages to avoid catching Coronavirus.
• Stick with Apple devices to avoid the Windows tax.
• Less fasteners, more adhesive.... is a great way to reduce tacks.
• Remove your number plates so the DVLA cameras can’t catch you
• Drink decaf rather than the original Yorkshire beverage to avoid Proper Tea Tax