Merry gentlemen - Reworked carol as sung by HMRC

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh
For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais
To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,
We've tailed you all the way.
You're go-o-ing to pris-i-on old boy!
Oh what a joy!
You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

The poetic audit report

We have audited the balance sheet
and say in our report
that cash is overstated,
the cashier being short.
The customer receivables
are very much past due,
and if there are some good ones
they are very, very few.

Inventories are outdated
and principally junk,
and the method of their pricing
is very largely bunk.
So, according to our figures
the undertaking's wrecked,
but, subject to these comments,
the balance sheet's correct.

Origin unknown. Reported on TaxLetter website

True story about an ex-accountant

True story - An accountant in his sixties sells part of his practice. He keeps a few favoured clients and stops paying his Institute subs.

He tells a friend that "My clients don't care whether I keep paying my subs etc and I don't need the pressure of prospective visits from the Practice Assurance team - or anyone else." 

The friend reminds him that he won't be able to describe himself as a Chartered Accountant any more or to give references that rely on that description.

A few weeks later the accountant meets his friend again. "I remembered what you said about references so last time I was asked for one I simply put "Ex-Chartered Accountant".

"How did your client respond?" asked the friend.

"Oh - I think he was pleased. He didn't say anything but I heard him later telling someone I was an EXcellent accountant."

This is how to ask for a raise.

A student accountant in the US wrote to his senior partner asking for an increased salary.

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome things mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ $tudent$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to the firm.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman

The next day, the senior partner sent this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that the firm is NOt doing NOticeably well at present.


NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

There's no such thing as free advice

A doctor and an accountant were seated together at a formal awards dinner.

The accountant watched bemused as the guy sitting on the other side of the doctor sought his advice about how to alleviate his back pain. The doctor gave some medical advice, then turned to the accountant and continued chatting with him. Later he confessed "I really hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

The accountant replied "I know exactly what you mean. It happens all the time to me too."

"How do you handle it?" asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer when you are asked for your advice at a social gathering."

"Simple" said the accountant. "I give a little advice and the next day I send them a £50 bill for consultancy services".

"What a great idea" said the doctor. "I think that would work for me. I must remember to try it." But by the time he got home he'd already forgotten about sending a bill to the man with the back pain.

He remembered the next morning though when he opened his post. In it was note from the accountant with a bill for £50!

This is a joke I've told many times over the years, since long before I found a version of it in the book Revenge of the Taxpayer 

Is this the best non-reference given when an accountant moves to a new job?

Many years ago I was told this was true story by John Newth, when he was Deputy Editor of Taxation magazine.

Herbert had worked for a well-known accountancy firm for some years, but had realised his career prospects there were limited. After a number of interviews with other firms he managed to secure a job offer that he was keen to accept.

He asked the firm he was leaving for a reference with the phrase 'very satisfied' in it.

The partner concerned took this as an opportunity to be very truthful. He sent out a reference that stated that Herbert had worked for the firm for X years, and that the partners were very satisfied that he was now leaving and had found another position.

Sadly I don't know what happened there after. We might expect that the job offer was rescinded and that Herbert remained at his old firm. The law of unintended consequences perhaps?

Who came came first? The accountants or the tax inspectors?

An accountant and a tax inspector were having a drink and a chat away from their respective offices.

They started discussing who was part of the more noble profession - accountants or tax inspectors. After a few drinks and various arguments they agreed the most noble profession was whichever had been around the longest.

The accountant, convinced he'd won, quoted the bible. He said:

Even before God created Adam he created an orderly universe from chaos. An orderly universe implies the involvement of accountants to monitor and keep track of developments. By definition some of the angels must have been accountants. There were no taxes, so no tax inspectors around that early in human history.

The tax inspector wasn't beaten. He listened patiently and then simply said: "Who do you think created the chaos?"

What you never want to hear clients say during an audit

Me: your employees aren’t providing me with the support I’ve been requesting
Client: I’m having the same problem
--
Me: we haven’t received your reconciliation yet Client: yeah, you’re not going to
--
Me: So, you own these three vendors? CEO: yeah, but it’s unrelated to our business
--
Me: can you please provide support for the accrual? Client: sure! *sends General Ledger dump*
--
Me: so, how do you value your inventory? CFO: hahahhahaha
--
Me: How’d you come up with this accrual amount? Client: that’s a WAG - Wild Ass Guess
--
“*looking at a transaction that was recorded improperly* Me: so why did you record it this way CFO: well that’s the way we’ve always done it and I’m not changing it because my staff will get confused
--
Me: Please can I have support for that journal entry? Client: sure! *prints off the journal entry and hands it to me*
--
And, in the same vein:
After waiting 5 months for the client to respond to data requests, client then replies in a hundred emails in one day and says:

“We’re looking for quick turnaround on this. End of the week preferably.”
--
Originally collated and shared by the twitter account @overheardaudit

Before PwC, before Coopers & Lybrand, there was Cooper Brothers.....

Long before the merger of Coopers and Lybrand and Price Waterhouse created the firm we now know as PwC,  Coopers was originally called Cooper Brothers.

The firm was originally based in Gutter Lane, London. Indeed they may have been the only building with an address identified as being in Gutter Lane.

Legend has it that at one stage the partners wrote to the Corporation of London suggesting that in view of their long tenancy it might be appropriate to rename the place Coopers Lane.

The Corporation, so the story goes, wrote back saying "as we've been here longer why don't you change your name to Gutter Brothers."

Post script: I was told a while back that when, much more recently, the Corporation was selling off at auction the old City street signs, Coopers & Lybrand bought the Gutter Lane set.

This is how accountants could be seen by the world at large. If only.

Accountants wearing pink?
Accountants in lime green?
Accountants at the cutting edge of every fashion scene?

Accountants telling jokes?
Accountants getting laughs?
Accountants being popular and signing autographs?

Accountant boy and girl bands, in at number one?
Accountants on Big Brother, providing all the fun?

Accountants chased by groupies, who get down on their knees…
Accountants in a different world – a world without John Cleese!

Thank you Sean Kelly

Bizarre excuses for late filing of company accounts

Each year Companies House receives unusual excuses from directors who fail to file their company accounts on time.

They report that some of the most outrageous reasons given include:

• “goats ate my accounts”
• “I found my wife in the bath with my accountant”
• “pirates stole my accounts”
• “we delivered the accounts to the betting office next door to Companies House”
• “a volcano erupted and prevented me from filing”
• “slugs ate my accounts”
• “it was Valentine’s Day”
• “my company was more successful than I thought it would be, so I was too busy to file”

Would you ever admit this to a Tax Tribunal?

Years ago I was told the story of an accountant who took an appeal to the Tribunal on the basis that there were undisclosed mitigating circumstances which would exonerate his client.

When it came to the hearing he stood up and declared his client was entirely blameless because, as he was willing to admit to the Tribunal, he was a pretty rubbish accountant and had let his client down badly.

Under the rules as they then stood, this may well have been accepted as a 'reasonable excuse' as long as the accountant could also show that the client had good reason for assuming the accountant was up to the job.

I didn't hear what the Tribunal decided but it just goes to show that whatever mistakes you might make..... there always worse accountants out there!

A tall tale told to a taxman?

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside.

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there.

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion."

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?"

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

Bizarre things audit clients have said...

“The prepayment hasn’t actually been paid yet, but it’s going to be.”
--
“Are you sure you’re old enough to be here?”
--
“We’ll fix it before the internal auditors find out.”
--
“Well, I don’t agree with GAAP.”
--
“As I said, this is not material.”
--
So I need to know exactly what you mean when you say ‘general ledger’
--
“Ah, my colleague is pretty useless, good luck getting anything back from him.”
--
“The fact that there’s an entry means it’s approved. Why do you need support?”
--
“Why do I need to document the process when I can just explain the process to my team?”
--
"Do we really NEED to have someone authorising the payments?"
--
“It’s correct. Don’t even worry about it.”
--
“I hope we don’t see you until the end of the year... and I mean that in the nicest way.”
--
“I know this entry was wrong, but I wanted you to find it.”
--
"There can’t be evidence for every number."
--
“Why do you need this for exactly?” [repeatedly, in response to every request for anything]
--
“Oh, I thought goodwill meant charity expenses.”
--
“Here is the list of unrecorded liabilities.”
--
“Can’t you just select these easy samples for vouching?”
--
“We don’t have the support for that entry because the person responsible has left the company.”
--
Originally collated and shared by the twitter account @overheardaudit

Texting - a trainee accountant's mistake. True story.

A salutary lesson about how to not follow up after an interview was contained in an article in the Sunday Times about the 'explosion in text messaging' in 2008. Could it still happen today?

Amongst the stories referred to in the article was this story:

Take the example of Ed, a university graduate from Manchester who applied for a job with a top accountancy firm in London. After a virtuoso performance at the interview, the vice-president in charge of recruitment gave him his mobile number in case he had any questions. Young Ed thought nothing of texting him the next day with the following message: “m8, wot a gr8 intvw!! u shld def give me the job lol.”

Needless to say, the vice-president did not oblige.

Of course one could question the accuracy of the story. I suspect it is based on an original story about an American graduate applying for a job in the US office of an accountancy firm. After all, whoever heard of a UK firm with a "vice-president in charge of recruitment"?!

We are accountants, my friend (superb song parody)

We Are Accountants
(An accounting anthem to be sung to the melody of the Queen smash hit)

I've paid my subs
Time after time
I've done my CPD
Filed accounts on time

And material errors
I've made a few
I've had my share of journals kicked in my face
But I've come through

We are accountants, my friends
And we'll keep on counting - 'til month end
We are accountants -
We are accountants
No time for lunch breaks
'Cause we are accountants - of the world -

I've taken work home
Had late conference calls -
You brought me useful provisions - and the documentation that goes with them -
I thank you all -

But it's been no box of Roses
No mid-month snooze
I consider it a challenge before that large audit case -
And I ain't gonna lose -

We are accountants, my friends
And we'll keep on counting - 'til month end
We are accountants -
We are accountants
No time for lunch break
'Cause we are accountants - of the world -

© accountingcelebrity.com 2010

What's the origin of the term 'beancounters'?

The most obvious answer as to why accountants are sometimes referenced, disparagingly, as 'beancounters' might involve counting the beads (or beans) on an abacus. But that's not the case.

There are a number of more likely suggested origins of the phrase - but no one seems to know for sure:

Phrases.org
It is likely that the expression wasn't coined in English but is a translation from German.
 The German word 'Erbsenzähler' (Erbsen = beans and zähler = counter) was used in print by Hans Jakob Christoffel von Grimmelshausen in Simplicissimus', 1668, with the same 'pedantic accountant' meaning that we now use.

It is possible that the English usage came from a later and separate coinage, but unlikely.

 The phrase appears in English in Australia soon after the first use in the USA and again this probably ultimately derived from Germany.

An example is found in The Parliamentary Debates of the Australian House of Representatives, 1928:  "It is not a bean counter's bill. There is no attempt to make any savings."

This insinuation that 'bean counters' were penny-pinching accountants who couldn't see the bigger picture chimes in well with the no-nonsense reputation of Australian politicians.

The phrase flourished down under during the 1930/40s before becoming commonplace throughout the English-speaking world later in the 20th century.

 Word detective

"Bean counter" has an interesting history. It seems to have first appeared in the mid-1970s in the U.S., and its original use was simply as a vivid synonym for "accountant," especially one who brooked no nonsense.

 Its first known occurrence in print was in a 1975 Forbes magazine article that referred to "a smart, tightfisted and austere 'bean counter' accountant from rural Kentucky," though we can assume the quotation marks meant the writer had heard the term in use before the date of the article.

In any case, the allusion is clearly to an accountant so dedicated to detail that he or she counts everything, down to the last small, but still important, bean.

By the 1980s, however, most appearances of "bean counter" in the media were taking on a derogatory tone, and "bean counter" is now frequently used to mean a nitpicker who, lost in the numbers, fails to see the "big picture."

WiseGEEK' site has a more graphic analysis that includes:

While an accountant might be asked to perform a thorough inventory of his or her company's assets, only a bean counter would literally count the number of beans contained in the company kitchen's pantry. A financial bean counter may also scrutinize each department's budget to find any form of potential waste, no matter how insignificant or nominal it appears to be.

It is possible that the description was inspired by overzealous kitchen inventory takers who insisted on counting every bean in a bag or every potato in a sack. The act of counting every bean to the exclusion of more important duties would be viewed by many as the ultimate act of micromanagement. Perhaps the term "bean counter" entered the popular vernacular through the commercial or military food industries, where strict inventory controls are common.

Simplistic approach to clearing debts. Does the accounting stack up?

It is the month of August, on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea it is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.

He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro note on the reception counter as a deposit, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to choose one.

The hotel proprietor takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the pig grower.

The pig grower takes the 100 Euro note, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.

The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 Euro note and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute who in these hard times, gave her "services" on credit.

The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 Euro note to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.

The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 Euro note back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.

At that moment, the tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 Euro note, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.

No one earned anything. No one produced anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism.....

First seen in HM Williams newsletter 'Account' in 2009

The journalist, the engineer, the lawyer and the accountant

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.

He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

 The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Bodmin vs. HMIT in 1854, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down.

He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

The accountant got the job.

10 famous people who nearly became accountants

All of the following trained to be accountants - in some cases, not for very long but found fame through other talents and skills:

1. Arnold Brown - "Possibly the only Glaswegian Jewish ex-chartered accountant stand up comedian in the world".
2. Eddie Izzard - failed accountancy student who turned to surreal stand-up comedy and acting. His father was Harold Izzard, a former president of the institute of internal auditors and chief auditor of BP.
3. Robert Plant - gave up accountancy training to sing for the rock band Led Zeppelin.
4. David Graveney OBE - former chairman of the England Test selectors (1997 until 2008).
5. John Grisham - the novelist is well known for being a lawyer prior to his writing career. His first degree however was in Accounting from Mississippi State University.
6. Bob Newhart - American funny man who got his first job out of the army working as an accountant in downtown Chicago.
7. Alan ("Fluff") Freeman - DJ Alan Freeman worked as an assistant paymaster/accountant for one of Australia's largest timber companies after leaving school.
8. Pádraig Harrington - the Irish professional golfer passed his final exams in 1994 to gain admittance to ACCA.
9. Fred MacAulay - the Scottish Comedian graduated from the University of Dundee with an MA in accountancy and jurisprudence. He went on to work as an accountant in a number of companies before moving into Comedy.
10. Ron Moody - British actor probably best known for playing the part of Fagin in the stage and film versions of Oliver, he originally trained to be an accountant at the London School of Economics.

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven.
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.
The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds. Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of hoodies. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and then I reached for my mobile phone to call the police, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

An accountant is a person who....

A range of views revealing how some people see an accountant as a person who :

• displays deviant behaviour when it comes to numbers
• can do tricky sums
• experiences an inner peace in the knowledge that debits should always equal credits
• knows the inner thrill of viewing a well structured Chart of Accounts
• gasps at the majestic splendour of a Trial Balance
• marvels at non-accounting colleagues who guiltlessly work from home or leave early on a Friday
• rarely misses a trick when it comes to claiming expenses or receiving above-inflation pay rises
• has made a lifetime vow never to take a holiday at month end
• spends more evenings with the office cleaner than with their partner
• sorts out all the mess

It pays to make good recommendations

An accountant has been advising an eminent Emir on his domicle status. The Arab aristocrat complained of back pain so the accountant recommended a brilliant young chiropractor he knows and who then visits the Emir in his London hotel.

Although the Emir had been in agony the chiropractor's phenomenal skills at soothing angry vertebrae quickly brought some relief. And after a week of daily treatment the Emir was fully recovered.

The young chiropractor has no idea what fee to charge so he asks the accountant who recommended his to the Emir. "What should I do? Treat him for free as an honoured visitor, or would that be insulting? Should I ask him for my normal fee even though he can afford vastly more or should i just charge a round figure, say £2,000 which I know he can well afford?

The accountant says, "try this - send him your fee note but leave the amount blank. Simply write across the top of you bill the words: "The Emir is always fair".

Within a month the chiropractor received a cheque from the Emirate's exchequer or £50,000! He phoned the accountant at once to tell him the god news and to thank him.

The next day the young man received an invoice from the accountant for his advice. The amount had been left blank and across the top of the bill were the words: "The Chiropractor is always fair".

Adapted from an old Bob Monkhouse story included in his book: "Just say a few words"

Seinfeld was as bad as Monty Python re accountants

Imaginary explanations of financial related acronyms

• DEBITS = Desperate Executives Broken by Insider Trading
• EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor
• EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering
• LOMBARD = Lots Of Money But A Right Dick
• CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
• NABRO = Not Another Bloody Regulatory Organisation 
• NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation
• EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence
• FRS = Fantasy Reporting Standards
• P/E = Parole Entitlement
• FIMBRA = Federation of Investment Malpractitioners and Big-time Rip-off Artists
• ISA = Interesting Savings Alternative
• ASB = Adding-up Silly Balances

Any more?

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

1. You can't wait to do your own tax return.
2. You think the GAP store sells accounting standards.
3. You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
4. You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
5. You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
6. You double underline your mother's name when preparing her death notice.
7. You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
8. You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
9. You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
10. You use the term "value added" with a straight face.
11. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
12. You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
13. You aren't sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
14. Your idea of "absolute terror" is an unbalanced T account.
15. Your idea of "creativity" is a one-sided journal entry.

A satirical 1930 income tax calculation including tax relief for a wife and goldfish

The WSJ published this simple formula for computing how much income tax one of its readers had to pay in 1930:

• Dependents: one blonde wife, a sedan car, three goldfish and two children.
• Multiply grandfather's age by 6 7/8, subtracting your telephone number.
• Add hat size and subtract license plate number.

With these preliminaries done, the rest is easy.

• Deduct $1,000 for keeping wife a blonde the whole year, divide the remainder by number of lodges belonged to, multiply by number of electric lights in house, and divide by collar size, giving gross income, which, after dividing by chest measurement and subtracting blood pressure, leaves net amount owed to government.

According to News from 1930

Sometimes it just takes strong persuasion skills

A few years back a man walked into a restaurant with his young son..

He gave the young boy three 50p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

After a while the boy started choking and going blue in the face....
The father realised that his son had swallowed the coins so he starts slapping the child on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 50p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly... tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 50ps, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm a tax investigation specialist with HMRC...'

Accountant gets shopped by her children

An accountant shared this true story on Linkedin:

I was shopping in Asda with my daughters on Sunday. We had to pick up a few things and whilst there, I remembered that I needed batteries for the business. 

When we were walking round I explained to the girls that we would need to pay separately i.e. (personal purchases on the personal card, business purchases on the business card). 

So we get to the self service check out and one of my girls asks again, why we had to pay separately. 

My youngest daughter shouts back in the loudest voice... “she’s going to put it through the company” 

And everyone within a 30ft radius turned round and looked at me, like I was about to conduct some sophisticated tax fraud. 

Laura Taylor, the accountant concerned, then added:

If you were in Asda Glenrothes on Sunday - my batteries were wholly and exclusively for business purposes!

Popular films remade especially for accountants

Harry Potter and the Audit of the Phoenix
Tango and Cash Flow
The Da Vinci Account Code, and the sequel: The de minimus code
Accountantz
Friends with Benefits in Kind
The Expensedeductibles
Men in the black
28 days calculator
Depreciation Impact
Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom
Dude where's my Calculator?
Budget Jones' Diary
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore... at least not on paper
The Deductible Hulk

Any more?

When the taxman chases the recently departed

A few weeks after Bernie died, his sister, Susie, intercepted a letter sent to him by HMRC. It was a request for a tax return.

Susie took the letter to her accountant who, after asking a few questions, suggested she reply as follows and pp the letter 'from Bernie (deceased)':

One of the advantages of having died is that there is no tax in heaven. It's a beautiful place. When I was alive I paid tax through the PAYE system and had not had any direct dealings with the taxman for many years. I can't say I'm that fussed about the outstanding return as I had no unearned income and left very little in the way of an inheritance for my sole living relative, my sister. Also, such matters seem so mundane since my recent demise. I might add that I have not yet met anyone from HMRC up here!

How to persuade the taxman your dog is a tax deductible business expense

Many years ago a publican had a meeting with a tax inspector in his pub. The publican had been claiming tax relief in respect the upkeep of his 'guard dog' but the taxman was unwilling to concede that this was acceptable.

The publican pointed out that upstairs in the pub were both the dog and the lunchtime takings. He invited the taxman to go upstairs, on his own, and if the taxman returned with the takings the publican would agree to add back the disputed expenses.

The taxman's refused to go upstairs and allowed the expense in full.

My thanks to Barry Jefford of George Hay, Chartered Accountants, for the story which was told to him by his client, being the publican in question.

Popular searches about tax and accountants

Listed below are some of the suggestions from Google based on popular searches.

Why is tax....
                      .... so high
                      .... important
                      .... theft
                      .... avoidance legal
                      .... avoidance unethical
                      .... going digital

Why are accountants....
                                     .... paid so much
                                     .... so boring
                                     .... so expensive
                                     .... so busy in January
                                     .... paid so little
                                     .... so arrogant
                                     .... underpaid
                                     .... in high demand

Famous classic films remade especially for accountants

Star Wars: Tax Return of the Jedi
Double Entry Indemnity, shown with: Double Insolvency
Journal to the Centre of the Earth
Abridged Too Far
Audit About Eve, and the follow up: Auditors of the Lost Ark
Trial balance of the century
VAT on a Hot Tin Roof
Evasion of the income snatchers
Far From the Adding Crowd
The Returns Of The Pink Panther
The Jungle Bookkeeper
Close enough encounters
Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom
Fatal subtraction, and the sequel: Fatal deduction

Any more?

6 fun quotes showing what Americans think about paying taxes

“The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.” – Sam Ewing

“And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.” – Ogden Nash

“There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won’t cure.” – Dan Bennett

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” – Jay Leno

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” – D. Barry

New taxes post Brexit

Here are some of the new taxes proposed to me when I asked for suggestions:

Richard StClair  - One rat pelt for every five rats caught for food must go to the crown

David Spottie Rogerson - A £10 fee on cutting devices used to behead amphibian animals. This is the one of very few newt axes the public will accept.

Rob Fox New levies on : French bread, Brussels sprouts, hamburgers, frankfurters, Irish coffee, Swedish chefs, Spanish onions, Greek olives, bulgar wheat, Dutch windmills, Danish bacon, Venetian blinds, Portuguese men'o'war ......

Chris M Boots A €1 tax on everyone who starts a sentence 'when we were in the EU' or 'before Brexit'.

Thomas Gardiner A tax on dating apps - the tax could increase with usage

Jerry Breslin Red carpet tacks for filmstars

A few English pedants also made suggestions, with which I have some sympathy

Mike Pearce So a tax on every person that starts a sentence with the word so and ends it with a rising inflection in their speech.

Kevin Chapman A tax should be payable by anyone who ends the words "something", anything" or "nothing" with a K

Margaret Bloomer Tax people who use the word 'like' every other word.

John Richardson Can I suggest an hyperbole tax? Special rates for those who use “super” instead of “very”; “life changing” instead of moderately useful etc

One of my favourites:
Kevin Chapman Charge VAT on footballer transfer fees at 40% then use it to pay nurses a decent wage.

And thank you too to Paul Coats for his related suggestion that:
Leaves means leave, where, unless you tidy up the fallen leaves around your town in the autumn, the local council can pack you off to Albania as an economic refugee.

An important lesson - Don't mess with old people

Back in the day when we had local tax inspectors HMRC decided to investigate 87 year old Grandpa, who was summoned to the Tax office.

The Tax Inspector was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his tax adviser.

The Tax Inspector said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure that I find that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The Tax Inspector thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The Tax Inspector thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The Tax Inspector's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the Tax Inspector can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned Tax Inspector now realises he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's tax adviser as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The Tax Inspector, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again after checking a couple of details about the bet.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the Tax Inspector's desk.

The Tax Inspector leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's tax adviser moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the Tax Inspector asks.

'Not really,' says the tax adviser. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an investigation, he bet me twenty five thousand pounds that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

MORAL?

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Using an Eastenders plot line as a business analogy isn't ideal

Limited Liability Partnerships first became a reality in the UK as from 6 April 2001. That morning I was interviewed on Radio 5 live and then on BBC Breakfast TV where I was asked the inevitable question "So what exactly is an LLP?"

I'd anticipated this and had tested a number of simple explanations that might make sense to the man in the street. The principal point I wanted to get across was that the members of an LLP are not jointly and severally liable as are the partners in a conventional business partnership.

In the end though I chose an analogy involving the previous night's episode of the popular TV soap, Eastenders. Viewers had just found out 'Who shot Phil Mitchell'.

So I explained: Take Eastenders for example, If Steve, Dan, Ian, Mark and Lisa were in a business partnership they could all be sued even though only one of them had done something wrong - but if they were in business as an LLP, only Lisa who did the dirty deed, could be sued."

I recall that Sara Coburn, the interviewer, only just managed to retain her composure. She explained to the viewers that she had never expected to be discussing Eastenders during the Business section of the programme.

For my part I was just relieved that no one who saw the show pointed out the flaw in my analogy: Shooting Phil was a criminal act and partners are NOT jointly and severally liable in such cases!

Ten tax return filing deadline related fun tweets

When you have to face time your 12 year old daughter and talk her through filing your last 3 tax returns ❄️🙅‍♀️💃🏻#lifesaver [alongside a picture implying the tweeter was snowbound]
@FigureFairy_

HMRC should have a prize for those who fill out their tax returns with the least amount of time to spare before the deadline. I think I could be in with a chance of winning that.
@CraigPaton

Once upon a time... there were 12 hours remaining until the #selfassessment deadline! 🕛 We know it's #NationalStorytellingWeek, but don't be left coming up with a tall tale to tell #HMRC! 📚 Guarantee a happy ending by filing your return and paying the #tax you owe on time!
@georgehayca

Ten months you've had To get it done
For a hundred pounds Are you now to succumb?
 Submit your return! Just get it in And don't forget too
For the good of us all Pay the tax that you owe
Or the Collector will call!
@BritTwitPoet

Guys, don't leave paying your tax to 11pm on 31st. Especially if you need to set them up on your banking. I'm not a expert on every banks payment system so I might struggle to help
@ataccounting

So long January - let the New Year begin!! #happynewaccountantsyear
@wbs_accountants

Did mine this afternoon when the last ones went out for authorisation. Filed about 10 hours before deadline, longest it's been in years 😂
@ataccounting

Returns filed, chocolate digestives all gone and it has started snowing. Time for a glass of vino I'd say.
@paulaplinontax

It’s February which means one thing...another tax return season completed! We did it! — feeling accomplished
@howlettaccounts

Shhhh!!!! February 1st. Accountants sleep now
@ataccounting

Why do people leave filing their tax returns to the last minute?

As we approach the 31 January filing deadline for filing personal self assessment tax returns, I asked a few taxpayers why they leave things to the last minute.

A selection of their replies follows:

• Flights to Panama are cheaper in January.
• I've made HMRC my best and only deal available. It's their choice to either accept it, walk away, or it's no deal.
• Fear of figures
• My girlfriend said she'd do it for me
• HMRC = Hold Money Past Christmas
• I Have Many Reliefs to Claim
• Hope My Rebate Comes
• I know exactly when the last minute is. The first minute though...?
• If it wasn't for the last minute I'd never get anything done.
• I've got plenty of time as the last minute isn't due for another 4 or 5 billion years.

Two drunk accountants have an outrageous idea

At the end of a long day, 2 accountants, Peter and Paul, have had a few drinks and are reviewing their decision to invest in a new building for their small accounting practice. 

They start thinking about how to fill the surplus space.

"Why don't we put a brothel on the 1st floor" says Peter.  "We could offer clients the facility to wait upstairs while we prepare their fee notes. That way when clients complain about getting screwed by their accountants they actually are getting screwed."

Paul, laughed nervously at this outrageous suggestion. Then, also drunk, added a slight twist. "We could be even more multidisciplinary, without getting into all that 50 Shades of Grey stuff. Let's put some lawyers on the 2nd floor. Then clients can decide for themselves which is the house of most ill repute".

Is this the way to do an audit?

Spoof of the Peter Kay version of the Tony Christie Classic. Includes a number of novel rhymes and a bunch of methodologists from PwC. Methinks it may not be an officially sponsored film. Watch out for the robotic antics of the last guy through the swipe gates just before the end.

Surgeons arguing about best patient types - including accountants

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like builders...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and backside are interchangeable."