Ten tax return filing deadline related fun tweets

When you have to face time your 12 year old daughter and talk her through filing your last 3 tax returns ❄️🙅‍♀️💃🏻#lifesaver [alongside a picture implying the tweeter was snowbound]
@FigureFairy_

HMRC should have a prize for those who fill out their tax returns with the least amount of time to spare before the deadline. I think I could be in with a chance of winning that.
@CraigPaton

Once upon a time... there were 12 hours remaining until the #selfassessment deadline! 🕛 We know it's #NationalStorytellingWeek, but don't be left coming up with a tall tale to tell #HMRC! 📚 Guarantee a happy ending by filing your return and paying the #tax you owe on time!
@georgehayca

Ten months you've had To get it done
For a hundred pounds Are you now to succumb?
 Submit your return! Just get it in And don't forget too
For the good of us all Pay the tax that you owe
Or the Collector will call!
@BritTwitPoet

Guys, don't leave paying your tax to 11pm on 31st. Especially if you need to set them up on your banking. I'm not a expert on every banks payment system so I might struggle to help
@ataccounting

So long January - let the New Year begin!! #happynewaccountantsyear
@wbs_accountants

Did mine this afternoon when the last ones went out for authorisation. Filed about 10 hours before deadline, longest it's been in years 😂
@ataccounting

Returns filed, chocolate digestives all gone and it has started snowing. Time for a glass of vino I'd say.
@paulaplinontax

It’s February which means one thing...another tax return season completed! We did it! — feeling accomplished
@howlettaccounts

Shhhh!!!! February 1st. Accountants sleep now
@ataccounting

Who would be the Sherlock and Watson of the tax world?

This morning Heather Self, tax expert and of Pinsent Masons, was interviewed about some tax issues on BBC Radio 5. On her arrival at the studio she posted a photo on twitter of the sight that faced her.

This led to a short series of humorous tweets including:
- Will the next episode of Sherlock be the new case of the missing receptionist?
and
- Who would be the Sherlock and Watson of the tax world?

This inspired the following suggestions:

• Sherlock: John Andrews
• Watson: Mike Truman
• Mycroft: Holmes: John Whiting
• Moriarty: Richard Murphy
• Mrs Hudson: Lin Homer
• Inspector Lestrade: Edward Troup

Which other TV programme would you recast with personalities from the tax world?

Accountant problems - as posted on twitter May 2012

The following tweets all appeared on twitter in May 2012 with the hashtag #accountantproblems

• Getting laid is not an option for me. 
• Indoors doing purchase testing. 
• Reading about getting taxed when you die, sheff hallam I signed up for boring not depressing 
• Why do people automatically assume we know everything about taxes as soon as we say we are CPAs? 
• Why can't I make the numbers do my bidding??? 
• When hot girls only talk to you for tax advice I hate accounting. 
• My trial balance doesn't equal. 
• I hate that the numbers on a telephone are opposite of a keyboard. I can never dial a phone number right the first time. 
• The thought of spending the rest of my life in this profession is making this first work day even more miserable 
• You accept an engagement and work till midnight. Non-chargeable admin code 
• I am a pro-fes-ion-al at excel spreadsheets #nerd 
• You complete a federal return and pass it up for review. Completed return for wrong year 
• Hot girl: so what do you do for living? Me: I'm an accountant Hot girl: *silent pause* oh *walks away*

#accountantproblems 

Any more? 

TPA Chatup lines posted on twitter

The following lines are hardly PC but they did make me smile. Apparently inspired by a line in a recent report published jointly by the TaxPayers Alliance and the IoD referencing wealth and sexual prowess. The following all appeared on 21 May with the hashtag #TPAchatuplines

@christopherward Fancy a quickie? Make sure you use a non-dom.

@Lefty_Lisa "You know what they say, it's not the size of the state, it's what you do with it"

@Markfergusonuk Nice laffer curves

@MrHarryCole I am writing to make a request under the Freedom of Information Act 2005. Are you free next Saturday?

@Scarletstand Assets aren't the only thing I'll be stripping tonight.

@AllisterHeath Keynes said "In the long run we are all dead". What are you doing tonight?

@matthew_elliott Your dress is like my ideal tax system. Cut low and with lots of transparency

@S8mB Bottom up or top down?

@Scarletstand Your second home or mine?

@sunny_hundal "If you come back with me tonight I'll show you my laffer curve"

‏@OllyNeville I know a great way to stimulate your private sector

@rrana53: Oh, stop with your quantitative teasing.

@LuckyAitkens Shall we take this offshore?

@teddyryan89 No, I don't think we're going too far too fast

@MShapland There was negative growth? Thats never happened to me before

@jpshaddock Sorry darling, I don't pay tax on a first date

5 "I love my accountant' tweets that made me smile

Letter from HMRC about completing my tax return. I read it in Moira Stewarts voice, and then posted it to my accountant to sort. Love it.
@shipsandpigs

I love how you know so much about my expenses. When did I hire you as my accountant?
@fl0ralm0ral

A person who is awake when the World sleeps... A Chartered Accountant. ♥ my passion my love my life CA
@mitesh_rp

"Daddy, do I need to like file taxes?" "No sweetie. I took care of that" #BestDaddyEver" love my accountant dad
@21inaBunkBed

I love my accountant.i love more that I have learned to give up being an expert at everything &let others do things I can't do/can't do well
@premapadma

Some fun tax and accountancy related tweets

Just written a cheque for my accountant, who has the longest address in Christendom. It's a good job biro ink is tax-deductible.
@adateal

Smaller than expected tax return further crunched by larger than expected bill from accountant. Bugger.
@GunslingerElite

Somehow, even in my most successful days as a history student, i always knew the world force me into becoming an accountant #stupid economy
@mrstephencamp

The accountant's #happydance.. finding an eligible $100 deduction. Ends when client gets mad for having to save more receipts
@iphoenixcpa

Every year it's the same. I'm doing my tax return and I can't find the stapler, staples or paper clips I need. I buy more. Next year; gone!
@wiggedy

Scary letter from the Inland Revenue I delayed opening, turned out to be a £50 tax rebate. Lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
@shanegriffiths

Client:Didn't think anyone would know. Me:U mean tax fraud? Being wrong year after year is bad pattern. Client:Could I go to jail? Me:Pack.
@ForensicCPA

This card from inland revenue isn't very jolly... or christmassy... or cardy... its more like a bill really. Think I'll stick it up anyway.
@MarkBrotherhood

Topical tax tweets - Max 140 characters

Just completed online tax return, have overpaid by 5 pence - heartwarming feeling that I am helping solve the government deficit
@sandywalkington

About to disprove the slogan "tax doesn't have to be taxing"... Now where are all those things I put in a safe place in may 2009
@marklangdon

Back to the tax return. Apologies in advance for any shouting, screaming, swearing and throwing stuff.
@hmhunt

Me: "You must be run off your feet this time of year." Girl in HMRC Tax Helpline call centre: "Ohh, it's enough to drive you to drink."
@BigglesZX

Two bills from HMRC today, both demanding I pay different amounts. I wanted to spend all day on hold tho, so it's cool. STAB. STAB. STAB.
@PoppyD

I spoke to a lovely lady from HMRC today, its always lovley when someone tells you to put a bill in the bin though!
@CandyHandfuls

Been on the phone to HMRC for 40 minutes, great phone call and really productive - ive listened to every song on their waiting album list
@mattadams86

I haven't seen a single "Tax doesn't have to be taxing" ad this year (thankfully). Are HMRC cutting back on marketing?
@MikeOrmond

Great to no longer feel pang of guilt when I drive past Moira's face on billboards warning of 31 Jan tax return deadline. Filed mine last wk
@stevelivingston

With thanks to Daniel from Taxation magazine for flagging these.

Genuine tweets about tax, taxman and accountants

TAX!!! SO MAJESTICALLY BORING! I want to stick these receipts into the empty heart shaped cavity in the chest of the inland revenue.

STOP PRESS: The Inland Revenue wasted postage/ink/admin/ur taxes to advise that I owe EIGHT PENCE! Really, never knew they had such gsoh..
[ur = your; gsoh = good sense of humour]

Ugh...do I have to get up and go to work today? Haven't I already put in enough hrs this week? Sometimes I hate being a tax accountant :(

My accountant uses the words "bangin'" and "smoking" when discussing my tax return. I find this oddly comforting.

Visiting my tax accountant today - the only loud talker I can tolerate. Being friendly and the fact that I only see her 45 mins a yr helps.

I have embarrassingly ardent feelings for our accountant, Mel. He's in his seventies but efficiency and accuracy are SUCH a turn-on.

Really....one day I'll be a really great accountant. But the statistics are starting to get on my nerves today.

Just got a very nice tax rebate from the lovely people at the Inland Revenue. :-)

Desperately seeking an attractive accountant

Spotted this twitter trail recently (posted by a young lady in Auckland, New Zealand)

Dear Universe. I would like some kind of super-good-looking young well-hung accountant boyfriend who will do my tax returns and gst for me.

Reply from a friend:

Does he have to be a good cook too or is that asking too much?

Response:

Well I can cook quite well so I'd be happy to do all the cooking if he did all the paperwork haha ;)

Then 30 minutes later:

I can't believe no accountants have asked me out yet! Michelle must have been joking about me being a guy magnet. How cruel! :-

Thank you @KristieAddison from the Transit of Venus Project

Fun accountant related tweets

Sometimes I wonder how do accountants stay awake at work. All the numbers are making me sleepy.
-dk

This girl says she went to an accounting seminar met interesting people including accountants. Really? How about marine biologists?
-fabianlawless

Between this weather, crazy clients and outlandish demands I'm ready to pack it in as a photographer and become an accountant like my dad :(
-meeners

Am now officially a grown up. I have an accountant and have just received tax advice.
-tshickle

Just recommended me a 'goth accountant'. If the tax man doesn't pay up I'll have him hexed.
-dividividv

Found a tiny scrap of paper which proves firstly I'm not going mad, and secondly I don't have to pay £650 to my old accountant!
-invisiblea

Ron Artest just thanked his psychiatrist. If it was me I would thank my florist, my proctologist and my tax accountant .. in that order.
-jperk1

Tweets re the 31 January tax filing deadline (accountants)

Just filing those last remaining few tax returns online. The best January we have ever had in terms of lowest levels of overtime and stress
@MilstedLangdon (Friday 4.10pm)

Congrats to all accountants who have done all they can and won't have to work over the weekend: @macrariolewin @JonStow @AS_Mitchell - More?
@BookMarkLee (Friday 7pm)

January is almost over - hooray! Really looking forward to Feb, I've got some great meetings lined up.....
@ToniHunter

One day to go and then Moira Stuart will be well and truly exorcised and we can have the space back under the stairs.
@PhillipsLtd

hey ho - into the office to file a few last minute tax returns.
@taxorprozac (08.20 Saturday morning)

Right. I'm off home. If your tax return is not done now, it won't be. Unless you call me and speak nicely :-)
@taxorprozac (18.00 Saturday evening)

7pm Saturday, still in the office helping clients to meet the UK tax return deadline. Only 29 hours left now.
@taxhelpukcom

Having a day off! All tax returns submitted in time, all payments made, job done! Back to "normal" on Monday?
@chapperscounts (Sunday 31st)

Deadline day for accountants! I have woken early and am completely "accounted" & "tax returned" out. Try & avoid the £100 fine if you can!
@SmartOss

Sunday, 4:30pm - just finishing the last of the tax returns for submission to HMRC before the deadline at midnight tonight
@taxhelpukcom

Well, that's the last one gone. End of tax returns for another year. Hurrah!!!!!!!!! Must plan better for next year (he says again)!
@suretax (5pm Sunday)

Working on Sunday...so wrong. I'm a tax accountant...and it's busy season.... BOO!!!
@_J_La_ (6.30pm Sunday)

Last tax returned filed...a whole hour to spare. Bedtime now...
@davidpaulcox (11.10pm Sunday)

All 383 tax returns safely submitted. Fantastic performance by the team working late with information supplied at very short notice.
@BeatonsGroup (10am Monday!)

Tweets re the 31 January tax filing deadline (taxpayers)

HMRC now don't miss a thing on the tax return. "Were you party to one or more tax avoidance schemes?" @mel_kenny 

 I avoided the £100 fine, but I'm convinced the Inland Revenue must be conspiring with greedy accountants to keep them busy (and rich). @edthedoc 

 Wow, never thought I'd say this, but the Inland Revenue are rather lovely. *Happies* @SianySianySiany

Will the inland revenue never answer my call? Actually I don't want them to so everything's rosie :-) @tunatheday 

 Lots on this weekend but is mainly about the Inland Revenue and finishing my tax return. Dunno why I leave it so late: they owe me money! @johndglynn 

 The Inland Revenue owe me an iPad ! @ketan 

 Interesting. VirusBarrier suspects that the Inland Revenue self-assessment site is a phishing scam. Wonder if it's smarter than I think. @tomgorham 

 The Inland Revenue Tax Return 'Help line' is gonna get sued under the trades description act. @ianhaylett

Required - Translator for HMRC (Inland Revenue) website. Send CVs to: hmrcaremuppets@gov.uk. @davidjlowe 

 Bleurgh, tax return. I'm paying for an accountant for a reason, but she apparently doesn't do this for me :( @leslieq 

 Just paid tax using my debit card on HMRC site. Bank then texts me to say my card has been used for overseas transaction! @BookMarkLee 

 Paid my tax 2 days before deadline and my accountant is my new best friend @GillBlanchard

Accountant has sent through tax return at last minute. Turns out I owe £1, not a couple of grand as in previous years. Phew! @irascian (9am Sunday morning) 

Tax. Done. New resolution for 2010 - get an accountant. @joelbradbury (10pm Sunday evening)

Submitted tax return for first time without going to the wire. It is only 10pm, usually only do it with minutes to spare. @aabboud 

Just completed tax return 94 minutes ahead of deadline - woo hoo. No fine for me. And no tax to pay on losses. Next year I'll give more HMRC @robertwrobinson

New Year twitter titters - accountants and tax

New year titters from twitter that deserve a mention on this blog:

When Bono was born, a tax accountant, a media lawyer and a publicist brought gifts of money, money and money to his gold baby throne
@tattysaint

blue sky, crisp winter day, what on earth could spoil it. Hmmm, this letter from my accountant showing corp tax and SATR due, happy new year
@daddywatchy

Busy all day! Beaten tax return into shape but owing to complexity of 08/09 fin.year (and by idiocy of former employer), off to accountant.
@vidjam

Trying to organize tax stuff. Building and filling spreadsheets. Can't wait to try & find all my supply receipts. TG I got an accountant!
@JesSwitaj

Can't seem to locate the receipt I left on my desk before I took my holiday leave and the accountant's bugging me like crazy - HOLD ON!
@Rambuc

I'm supposed to be adding up receipts for my tax return but instead I'm typing this.
@RealDMitchell (yup - The Real David Mitchell - from PeepShow and Mitchell & Webb)

I accidentally laundered 15 pounds! Take that, inland revenue!
@teknolog

Tax return done. Yes. Dear Inland Revenue, I hate you with a passion usually reserved only for cold callers and people who say "should of"
@Olly_Richards

I *really* wish the Inland Revenue's Self Assessment guidance notes were available in a language other than pure gibberish.
@DaveyHaste

Accountant seems to say I'm a very good photographer - which must be why I have unexpectedly large tax bill to pay by 31 Jan. Oh dear...
@PhotoGordon

The wages of sin...

"The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling"

- Paula Poundstone (American Stand up Comedienne) - as reported on twitter by @DianeKennedyCPA

More accountant fun courtesy of twitter

It's been a while since I last posted some of the more amusing tweets that deserve a place on this blog:

When i was younger, i remember my mom joked and told some1 she had me just for the tax deduction. the irony? her son is now an accountant.
- Diggy0383

I've just handed over 2 years worth of receipts, bank statements and phone bills. Now Mr Accountant, go and work your tax liability magic
- SimonRossyRoss

Meetings with accountant and web designer today. Tax codes and source codes in one day! No jargon please Rod and David.
- gilarthurgood

just ask an accountant any kind of financial/tax question and see if the reply doesn't start with, "It depends..."
-Writing_is_fun

A few things in life that i have learned that u need #1 is (GOD), a tax accountant,lawyer and a good doctor
-1teemack

Fun tweets about accountants

I've been posting the occasional list of fun tax tweets I've picked up on twitter. This time I'm sharing tweets about accountants that made me smile.

My accountant told me to put money into LAND.... so I dug a hole and put it in the garden...
@softwareus

We're taking a cab up to Cambridge, our cabbie is a former accountant (with his own Blackberry!). Man, the recession is worse than I thought
@jackfoster74

Mother is discussing invoicing with me (she's an accountant). Hope she doesn't plan on submitting one for my first 18 years.
@ComplexDiamond

My (just turned) 2yo just counted to ten! He might be an accountant like his uncle.
@MichaTaylor

If all the economists in the world were laid end to end they still wouldn't reach a conclusion. -accountant father in law
@jimupchurch

Sorry about this one... A tongue tried to hire an accountant. The accountant said no. There's no accounting for taste.
@StillDrew

Why Tony Blackburn uses an accountant

I let my accountant do my tax returns because it saves time...
........sometimes as much as ten years.

Tweeted by @TonyBlackburn on 6 July.

Tax tweets that raise a smile

Seems such a waste not to record these for posterity:

I once got a letter from the Inland Revenue asking me what my address was
@hmmmm_tea

called the inland revenue, 10 minutes of recorded announcements how I shouldn't call them because they have a website
@WebFreelancer

Having to speak to Inland Revenue today.... I will be washing my mouth out with tepid salt water immediately afterwards to avoid infection.
@brainopops

Just cost Revenue & Customs £45k by signing 600 Inland Revenue cheques for clients in time to get their £75 incentive. Satisfying work.
@rich_w

Inland Revenue - stop telling me to go to your website, I went there, it sucked and didn't tell me anything I needed to know, answer my call!
@TrillianNext

cold sweat. If one just gives ALL income straight to the Inland revenue when getting payed maybe then we'll be off the hook
@jonnalee

Wondering when, sweet lord, just when will the UK's inland revenue stop asking me for a tax return? Been gone from the UK for years now...
@csdot

I heard on the radio a couple of weeks ago that HMRC routinely ignore letters, fail to log calls etc. So I'm going to ignore them.
@snorestore

If you're curious about twitter - here's my take.

HM Revenue joker tweets pre Budget

Clearly NOT an officially sanctioned Twitter account for HMRC, but I've still copied elements from today's twitter stream here for posterity:

BUDGET CONSULTATION: Please tweet us your ideas for the Budget as Alistair has not got a clue. The final TwitBudget will be published here.

BUDGET2009. Treasury msg to HMRC: Shitting ourselves here, we haven't finished writing the Budget yet and Alistair has gone AWOL

Budget2009 update: Alistair has locked himself in the toilet and won't come out. Gordon has called in MetPolice to break down the door.

Budget2009: Back of fag packets currently being assembled into final document

Alistair has been shown his MI5 file - he has now agreed to give the Budget speech. Some more Red Bull and we're nearly ready

With thanks to www.twitter.com/HMRevenue

Latest funny tax tweets on twitter

Just when I thought I was done with weird & invasive bureaucracy, behold HMRC Form P86, Q 17: "What are your intentions for the future?"
@randomjane

Can't believe I gave all of my wages to the inland revenue by mistake! That's going to be easy to correct (he said sarcastically!)
@LiamDC2

hmm. HMRC helpline has Pachelbel's Canon in D as hold music. Love the music but not in this context
@bagelmouseUK

HMRC playing 'Rhapsody on a Theme by Paganini' at me - soundtrack to a film in which Chrstopher Reeve literally dies of frustration&boredom
@martinhearson

Negative of working from home: Working 12 hours to get 7 hours work done. Positive: Dealing with HMRC whilst getting cuddle from 6 yr old.
@Theaardvark

Finally an end to VAT return-related anguish, for me at least. Is there anything quite as satisfying as a good spreadsheet?
@SimonD

HMRC Software 'helpline' ... there are 34 minutes of my life I'll never get back ... and now I've got anger issues to sort out too .... grr!
@martincox

Looking at the Trends list (recommended for making connections) and "Happy Tax Day" is listed. That phrase is just wrong on many levels.....
@jasonkneen