Before PwC, before Coopers & Lybrand, there was Cooper Brothers.....

PwC was initially called PriceWaterhouseCoopers having been formed by the merger of Coopers and Lybrand and Price Waterhouse.

Long before that merger Coopers & Lybrand was originally called Cooper Brothers and based in Gutter Lane, London. 

Indeed they may have been the only building with an address identified as being in Gutter Lane. 

Legend has it that at one stage the partners wrote to the Corporation of London suggesting that, in view of their long tenancy, it might be appropriate to rename the place Coopers Lane. 

The Corporation, so the story goes, wrote back saying "As we've been here longer why don't you change your name to Gutter Brothers." 

Post script: I was told a while back that when, much more recently, the Corporation was selling off at auction the old City street signs, Coopers & Lybrand bought the Gutter Lane set.

Are some tax advisers paying more than they need to?

Some years ago on my first visit to Penrith, Cumbria, to present a talk to the local CIOT branch, I took a cab to the venue. 

The driver asked me what I was doing in Penrith and I explained: “I’m here to give a lecture to a group of tax advisers”. 

For a moment I was thrown as he seemed very miffed. 

It then became clear from his reply that he had misheard me: “It would be nice to have been invited. I’ve been a taxi driver here for over ten years!” I was unable to keep a straight face! 

I shared the story during my talk and at the tea-break one of the delegates came over to explain she’d had a similar problem recently. 

When arranging her car insurance by phone, she was astonished by the premium quote. It was more than 8 times what she had paid the previous year. 

She queried the figure and was told this was due to her profession, and the risks inherent in this. “What are the inherent risks of being a tax adviser?” she asked. 

At which point it became apparent the insurer had thought she said she was a ‘taxi driver’.

"Morton's Fork" - the rock and a hard place options for taxpayers

The expression "Morton's Fork" originates from a policy of tax collection.

It was devised by John Morton, who was Lord Chancellor of England in 1487, under the rule of King Henry VII. 

Morton's approach was that if the subject lived in luxury and had clearly spent a lot of money on himself, he obviously had sufficient income to spare for the king. 

Alternatively, if the subject lived frugally, and showed no sign of being wealthy, he must have substantial savings and could therefore afford to give it to the king. 

These arguments were the two prongs of the fork and regardless of whether the subject was rich or poor, he did not have a favourable choice. 

The phrase is rarely used these days as there is a more common analogy when someone has a dilemma and has to choose between two equally unpleasant alternatives. 

We tend to say that they are either "Between the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea" or "Between a rock and a hard place".

The accountant with a special time clock

Years ago there was an unscrupulous accountant who always overcharged his customers. 

 He had a special clock built that ran faster than other clocks. It ran at nearly twice the speed of a normal clock so that 1 hour would appear as 2 hours. 

He then tracked his time by using the fast clock and in essence doubled his billing hours. 

 He bragged about his overcharging process to his close friends and his wife. 

He also bragged about other topics such as his golf score, his time in running the mile and his endurance when being intimate with his wife. 

 The latter was his most proud accomplishment. Therefore, it took him by surprise when his wife filed for divorce a year later. 

He remonstrated with her “Dear why would you leave me? I have given you money, a fine house, companionship and a great love life!” 

She replied, “True, you have given me money and a fine house – although by ill gotten gains. Your companionship is shallow because you only think of yourself AND as to your skills in the bedroom, I just wanted you to know that I had a clock made just like the one you use at work!”

Are all accountants....?

When you start searching in Google you may have noticed that it often offers to complete your search string. 

In effect the system recognises and offers you the rest of what other people have searched for even if the words are in a different order. 

Here are some of the suggestions Google offered me recently by reference to the few words I typed in each case: 

Are all accountants.... 

.... the same?

.... boring?

..... alcoholics?

Why are most accountants.... 

.....female? (a surprisingly common question it seems, possibly related to the film industry where the accountants named in the credits are indeed invariably female)

....quitting?

Why don't accountants....

....make much money?

....have unions?

....get paid overtime?

Can accountants....

....certify documents?

....sign passports?

....get rich?

....work from home?

....be replaced by AI?

....have tattoos?

10 pop bands featuring accountants - or do they?

• Ledger Zeppelin 
• The Rolling Balances 
• Fleetwood Macroeconomics 
• The Balance Sheetles 
• The Fiscal Fighters 
• The Profit Margin Boys
• The Doublie Entry Bothers 
• The Black Eyed P&Ls 
• Cashabian
• ABBA (Accountants Balancing Books Always)

HOW strong is HMRC's case?

Years ago a senior official was talking about HMRC prosecution policy. He mentioned an occasion when he had lost a case and went back to his legal advisers to find out what had gone wrong.

"I thought you'd told me you thought we had a very strong case" he said. "So why did we lose?"

"Aha" said the lawyer, "You asked me what I thought and I told you that I felt that we had a very strong case. That was all you wanted to know.

Had you asked I'd have told you that I also thought the other side had a very strong case too."

Money, Money, Money - fun quotes

 "There's money. And then there's MY money"

- Anonymous client to accountant about funding a forthcoming tax bill

"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons"
- Woody Allen

"I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money"
- George Burns

"One of the mysteries of human conduct is why adult men and women are ready to sign documents they have not read, at the behest of salesmen they don't know, binding them to pay for articles they do not want, with money they do not have."
- Gerald Hurst,  

"Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly to you while he's overcharging you."
- Kin Hubbard

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife."
- Ilie Nastase

Accountants are so annoying (in rhyme)

He sits at his desk 

With his horn-rimmed specs 

Doing sums on a calculator 

And come rain or shine 

You know bloody fine 

There's a bill to pay sooner or later. 

He adds and subtracts 

And works out your tax 

Messing about with the figures. 

You've done fairly well 

So how in the hell 

Is that overdraft still gettin' bigger? 

Those accounts are too much 

It's all double dutch 

So you 'phone up for him to explain. 

But his office PA says 'haven't you heard' 

He's away in his office in Spain." 

Henry Brewis in the Farming Press. As reported in 'The Bottom line' by Vaines and Nuttall

Justifying why NOT to file tax returns

The following are a summary of some of the points argued by a Mr Bell in letters to HMRC and the lower tier Tax Tribunal as to why he considered that he was not required to file tax returns:

---

As all humans are created equal, government and the making of legislation requires the consent of the governed

All humans have an absolute right to own property which is gained as a result of their own efforts. Taxation imposed by HMRC is coercive seizure of rightfully held property and cannot be justified.

It is essential that HMRC issue Mr Bell with a statement that they recognise that it is the right of the UK people to govern themselves, and that every individual owns the right to property. Failure to do so demonstrates total absence of bone fide intent on the part of HMRC, in that they are knowingly complicit in Parliament's attempts to strip us of these fundamental rights through the machinery of the law

Liberty is valued second only to life itself

Peaceful resolution of dispute requires submission to reason

---

Unsurprisingly these arguments were unsuccessful!

Bell v Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs [2009] UKFTT 270 (TC)

The 10 commandments for clients of accountants

1. You shall have no other advisers beyond me

2. You shall not make for yourself any graven image of a tax inspector to throw darts at.

3. You shall not take the name of the Chancellor in vain (more than once a week)

4. Remember the 31st of January to keep it holy. If you have not saved up to pay your tax by then, you may as well rest on that day.

5. Honour your accountant and tax adviser, who are doing a very good job for you.

6. You shall not murder or evade tax (but avoidance is ok - sometimes).

7. You shall not commit adultery – because marriage is tax efficient.

8. You shall not steal or hide cash offshore.

9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour, unless your neighbour is a benefits thief or a Lord who has defrauded the public.

10. You shall not covet your neighbour’s personal services company, family trust or low tax bill (as YOUR circumstances are different!)

What do you call HMRC?

His Majesty's Revenue and Customs is typically only ever referenced as HMRC.

Not everyone uses the acronym politely. A couple of variations I have heard are:

HM Mars C - emphasising that negotiations can be warlike (Mars being the Greek god of war)

and

HM Arsy - an equally negative sounding approach.

Any more?

VAT deregistration on death

An older accountant told me what happened to a client after they had died.

The accountant had notified HMRC of the death and deregistered the client from VAT.

Imagine the accountant's surprise to then receive been told nby the client's widow of a follow up letter sent to her deceased husband.

The VAT office letter said: 

"We are sorry to learn of your recent demise. We have processed your request for deregistration but if at any time in the future you become liable to be VAT registered again, you should apply to this office for a new VAT number."

12 ways to have fun completing your tax return

1. Do it while wearing your favourite fancy dress.
2. Every time you claim a deduction, do a victory dance. 
3. Add happy or sad emojis wherever you can on the tax returns 
4. Invent a new tax category for "unavoidable chocolate expenses." 
5. Write a tax-themed haiku for each page you fill out. 
6. Do it naked
7. In "For Office Use Only" area write "Approved. Send refund immediately."
8. Design a tax-themed tattoo for each deduction you claim. 
9. Translate all financial jargon into Shakespearean language. 
10. Attach a ransom note demanding a tax refund for the safe return of your financial sanity. 
11. Insist on using interpretive dance to explain any discrepancies in your return. 
12. Write a heartfelt letter to HMRC, explaining why you believe you should be taxed in chocolate coins instead.

Accountants who play 'chicken' in January

I first came across this concept many years ago:

An accountant told me that they play a version of Chicken each year as an incentive to get all of their clients' tax returns in on time. 

They said they always leaves their own tax return to be the last one filed by their practice each January.  And that, on one occasion they did this at 23:59!

Does anyone else play daft games like this at year end?

Acronyms for different client types

• DINKYs - Dual Income, No Kids Yet
• DONKEYs - Dual Overdraft, No Kids Yet
• MINKs - Multiple Income, No Kids
• OPALs - Older People, Active Lifestyle
• SWELL - Single Woman Earning Lots in London
• SEMI - Suburban Executive MIddle manager
• MACs - Married And Comfortable
• SITCOM - Single Income, Two Children, Outrageous Mortgage
• LOMBARD - Lots Of Money But A Right Dope
• SMARTIEs - Smart, Middle Aged, Risk Taking Individuals
• PIPPies - People who Inherited Parents' Properties
• WOOPies - Well Off Older People
• FIZZ - Financially Independent, Zero Zeal, 
• CHEERS - Couples Having Excessive Expenses, Really Splurging 
• WITTY - Well-Invested, Thrifty, and Totally Young-at-heart 
• CHARMs - Couples Happily Avoiding Real Money 
• PAMPERs - Professionals Accumulating Money, Planning Exotic Retreats

Punny accountant and their clients

A punny accountant was describing some of his clients:

I assisted a bakery recently; they needed help with their financial dough-cuments. Ensured their profits were well-kneaded, proving accountancy isn't just a piece of cake. 

Dealing with a fitness centre was taxing, but I managed to balance their accounts without breaking a sweat. It seems crunches aren't the only thing that requires precision! 

Handled the finances for a music store, making sure their financial harmony was pitch-perfect. Balancing the books was a real score! 

Collaborated with a coffee shop on their accounts. It seems financial balance is a bit like the perfect blend – it requires the right mix. 

Partnered with a fashion boutique to tailor their financial strategy. It turns out balancing the books is just as important as finding the right fit.