7 Christmas Cracker jokes for accountants

 What's the biggest overhead in Santa's accounts? 

- Private Elf care 

What’s an accountant’s favourite Christmas carol?
- Debit bells, debit bells, debits all the way!

Why does Santa pay so little tax? 

- He claims Gift Relief (Gift Aid would've been funnier) 

What is the employment tax status of Santa’s helpers? 

- Elf-employed

Why are accountants terrible at Christmas charades?
They insist on doing a full disclosure before acting anything out.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? 

- Net Present Value. 

Why did Santa get in trouble with the tax man?

- He missed the deadline on his elf-assessment.

Six riddles about accountants

 What disease kills more accountants than any other?

- TB. 

What do you call an accountant or who can't account? 

- An ant. 

What do cannibal accountants do at their Office Christmas Dinner? 

- Toast their clients.

Where do accountants live? 

- In tax shelters. 

Why do so many accountants fall over? 

- They lose their balance.

What do you call a Trial Balance that doesn't balance? 

- A late night.

Why it's best to ski with accountants...

Why is it best to ski with accountants?

Becuase there's safety in numbers.

Tax inspectors aren't so bad

When tax inspectors die why are so many of them buried at the bottom of the ocean?

Because deep down they're quite nice people.

What do you give the man who has everything?

A tax investigation!

The accountant's malaise

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

Depreciation.

The auditing rash

"Doctor, Doctor. Every time I go on an audit I get covered in rashes. What could it be?"


- "Ticks."

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?




How many would you like it to be?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?




What kind of answer did you have in mind?

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you....

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



Two. One to change it and one to make sure it was done within budget

And lastly, my favourite:

How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?



One, but he'll have 1500 of them to do on 31st January.

(This response was suggested by Adrian Higgs)

Why is dealing with HMRC like wearing a condom?

Why is dealing with HMRC like wearing a condom?

You get the feeling of safety and security while being screwed with no sensitivity at all.

What's the difference between a fine and a tax?

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

- anon (and used on bumper stickers for many years)

GROCO - accounting joke teller

This is just one of many similar videos on the website of a firm of CPA's in the USA.

Where do homeless accountants live?

In a tax shelter!

What is a Budget?

Q: What is a Budget?

A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

It's not an octopus

Q. What has lots of arms and legs?


A. A happy and successful tax inspector

Below the belt

Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?

He couldn't budget.

Finance Director type

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

When he actually listens to Marketing before saying "No".