Skip to main content


Showing posts from June, 2017

Imagine if unqualified accountants were like street walkers....

This video references Street Accountants suggesting they have taken over parts of London performing accounting services out in the open for everyone to see. It's actually an Australian parody.

To give you an idea of what to expect it includes the quotes:

I give my client what real accountants can't.

I'm a street accountant, I work the streets.

How about a little numbers action?

I've got certain financial needs and they can service them for me.

Used calculators, dirty balance sheets, sharpened pencils all left lying around.

The police can't do anything unless they catch them performing accounting services on the street

I've left my chartered accountant for ever. I want to be your only client.

What's 2 + 2? Ten different professionals explain

What's 2 + 2? Different professionals might respond as follows:

Engineer: The answer lies between 3.98 and 4.02

Estate agent: I will sort that out once you agree to pay me 1% of the answer.

Mathematician: In 3 hours I can demonstrate my proof that will reveal the answer everyone has been searching for.

Logician: This problem is solvable.

Dentist: If you don't brush them properly there will only be 3.

Social worker: I don't know the answer but I'm glad we discussed the question.

Lawyer: In the case of Nerd vs HMRC, 2+2 was held to be 4

Politician: That's not the real question.

Market trader: Are you buying or selling?

Accountants: What do you want it to be?

Nine things only employed accountants will understand

People never really understand what your job really involvesThe colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important.It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance.Having the auditors on site is a pain in the neck.No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow.Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax.Friends only call when they want financial advice.New versions of microsoft excel are really exciting.Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits Do add comments re: anything else you think is missing from this list.

Are the police working for HMRC now?

A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

 "I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

 "Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

 "What for?!" retorted the man.

 "Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

Withheld tax awards for large, medium-sized and small firms

Awards not presented at the most recent Tolley's Taxation Awards Ceremony included:

Large firm
Longest name for a tax team in a large firmHardest working manager whose partner takes credit for their workMost widely dispersed tax 'team' in a large firmMedium sized firm
Highest percentage lock-up in a medium sized firmMost imaginative disclosure on a tax return by a medium sized firmLongest meeting with HMRC in a medium sized firmMost fee notes for tax advice given to one client in one year, in a medium sized firmFastest integration of newly merged firm with fewest staff lossesSmall firm
Most engaged twitter account in the name of a small firm (never awarded - too few entries)Highest number of staff per partner in a small firmBest reasonable excuse for a late filed tax return by a small firmIndividual awards
Most obscure tax qualificationsMost pedantic tax authorLeast qualified Treasury ministerTax smartarse of the yearAnd one you wouldn't want to win:
Worst client toilet in a…