The "Nobody Cares" Manifesto For Accountants

With thanks to Dennis Howlett:

* It's important to remember debits are on the left and credits on the right - nobody cares. Probably because the system was invented in 1494 and hasn't changed since.

* We work hard to earn letters behind our names - nobody cares. Importance isn't derived from academic achievement but what you do for others.

* ROI is an important concept - nobody cares. ROI calculations are something you do when you really don't want to help your client but to demonstrate to him/her how important you are. For which read 2.

* It's important to keep good records - nobody cares. Clients aren't in business to be administrators. If you can't figure out how to help clients then expect to be outsourced. Probably the day after tomorrow.

* A tidy office implies a tidy mind - nobody cares. A tidy mind is often compartmentalised to the point of tunnel vision. You don't see tidy at the edge of innovation. Which is where you should be when your clients come up with great ideas.

* Professionals should always wear top quality suits - nobody cares. How you look may be important if your name's Anina but it sure as heck doesn't matter when you're traipsing around a pig farm. You do that occasionally don't you?

* Your professional status among the community demonstrates integrity - nobody believes you. Professional status is over-rated. Those schmuks from KPMG in court on fraud charges sorted that one out once and for all.

* Adding value is the most important thing you have to do - nobody believes you. Clients can read a 1,000 websites and see that same vacuuous statement. Stuff your website with client stories, preferably written by clients and not some PR outfit.

The Vocational Guidance Counsellor Sketch

This is the classic Monty Python sketch about a Mr Anchovy who wanted career guidance.

Mr Anchovy was a chartered accountant who wanted to be a lion tamer but was recommended instead to stick with accountancy.

Why? Well – and I quote - because he was an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, lacking in initiative, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and irrepressibly drab and awful.

And, concluded the report, whereas in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks, in chartered accountancy they are a positive boon.

This sketch was first broadcast on 21 Decemeber 1969 as part of episode 10 of the first series of Monty Python's Flying Circus. Michael Palin played Mr Anchovy and John Cleese was the Vocational Guidance Counsellor.

Who does what and why?

A newly qualified accountant in one of the larger firms was having a celebratory drink with some of the partners in his firm.

They were encouraging him to take an interest in professional affairs - as they all did.

''What do you do,'' he asked. One said he was on the local branch committee, another chaired a tax discussion group, a third was a practice support member.

The oldest partner was unusually coy and then announced that his involvement in professional affairs was limited to making regular appearances in disciplinary hearings after clients complained about his work.

One of his fellow partners was quite new to the firm and was astonished to hear this. Later the new parter asked if what he'd heard was really true, that the older partner made regular appearances in disciplinary hearings after clients complained about his work. ''Oh no'', came the reply, ''The senior partner's a member of the Urgent Issues Task Force; he's just too embarrassed to admit it!"

Reflections on the way people prepare their tax returns

Have you ever wondered why
-people are quick to brag about their income, but refuse to list it all on their SA tax return?
-people refuse to drop a pound in the Salvation Army box, but are quick to list significant -miscellaneous cash donations when completing their Income tax returns.
-people refuse to share their age until they get an extra income tax deduction.
-someone refuses to discuss their weight - until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction.
- child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone they ever knew as a dependant.

Don't tell the joke police

The Colin cartoon strip by Higgins in Accountancy Age today has a good/bad joke (depending upon your point of view). In essence:

So, if you were going to pull a carousel fraud, you'd start a company importing tribal art and keep-fit equipment. Why?

Well tribal art is a growth market and keep-fit ket sells all year round.

And what would you call such a business?

How about "Customs and Exercise"?!


You can access Colin cartoons on the Accountancy Age blog.

3 greatest lies (well, one version of the joke anyway)

The 3 greatest lies:

1. The cheque is in the post;
2. Of course I'll still love you in the morning;
3. I'm an accountant, I'm here to help you.

All too common?

A businessman has been learning to be a balloonist and takes his first solo flight. Unfortunately the wind gets up, he is blown off course and is forced to land. He is in a paddock close to a road but has no idea where he is. He sees a car coming along the road and hails it.

The driver gets out and the balloonist says, "Excuse me but can you tell me where I am?"

"Yes, of course", says the motorist. "You have just landed in your balloon and with this wind you have obviously been blown off course. You are in the top paddock on Steve Pringle's farm, 8 miles from Stonehenge. Steve ploughed the field last week and sowed barley seeds. Also, there's a bull in the paddock. It is behind you and about to attack you."

At that moment the bull reaches the balloonist and tosses him over the fence. Luckily he is unhurt. He gets up, dusts himself off and says to the motorist, "I see you're an accountant".

"Good Grief", says the other man, "you're right. How did you know that?"

"I employ accountants", says the balloonist. "The information you gave me was detailed, precise and accurate. Most of it was useless and it arrived far too late to be of any help."

We don't pay staff the National Minimum Wage (NMW)

HMRC recently published a top 10 of some of the more unusual or outlandish reasons given to its enforcement teams. 

The top ten worst excuses for not paying the minimum wage are: 

10. I only took him on as a favour 

9. The workers can't speak English 

8. He's over 65, so the national minimum wage doesn't apply 

7. She's on benefits - if you add those to her pay, it totals the NMW 

6. They can't cope on their own and it's more than they would get in their own country 

5. He's disabled 

4. I didn't think it applied to small employers 

3. I didn't think the workers were worth NMW 

2. But she only wanted £3 an hour 

1. He doesn't deserve it - he's a total waste of space

Monty Python's accountancy shanty

Here are the two key verses followed by the whole song with the verses in the middle.
I've also included a link so that you can hear the song in all it's original glory. Click here.

It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.
We'll up your premium semi-annually.
It's all tax deductible.
We're fairly incorruptible,
We're sailing on the wide accountancy!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
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LEAD PIRATE:
Full speed ahead, Mr. Cohen!

CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium. Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
Scribble away!
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
And balance the books.
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
Scribble away!
CHORUS:
Up, up, up your premium.
PIRATE:
But manage the books.
CHORUS:
Up, up, up.

PIRATES:
It's fun to charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountancy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy!

It can be manly in insurance.
We'll up your premium semi-annually.
It's all tax deductible.
We're fairly incorruptible,
We're sailing on the wide accountancy!

LEAD PIRATE:
Oh, this is fun, Mr. Cohen!
PIRATE:
Sail away!...
CHORUS:
Up, up, up...
LEAD PIRATE:
Fetch me another exotic salute. To port! Bring her port to shell out! And the medium guys shell out to port! Balance the books! Bring me another small shellfish, Mr. Cohen...

When something needs fixing...

...a layman knows he has to kick it;
an amateur knows where to kick it;
a professional knows how hard.

Finance Director type

How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft?

When he actually listens to Marketing before saying "No".

An acccountant and his frog

An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."