Auditors are people too - a poem

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Penned by Stephen Brown

10 special taxes for special people

1. Brothel owners pay syntax.
2. Parrot-owners rebelled against perches tax.
3. Drawing pin manufacturers pay thumb tax.
4. Trumpet players love brass tax.
5. Market researchers resent the poll tax.
6. Rubber manufacturers dislike lay tax.
7. Explosive experts are stuck with sem tax.
8. Gym owners have to pay exercise duty.
9. Teachers enjoy paying tick tax.
10. Porn stars have to pay blue tacs. 

There are only two types of accountants in the world....

There are more than two types of aphorisms along these lines. Here are some of my faves. 

There are only three types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can count and those who can't.

There are only 10 types of accountants in the world.... 

.... Those who understand binary and those who don't 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... .

...Those who walk into a room and say, ‘There you are!’ – and those who say, ‘Here I am!’ ” (original credited to Abigail Van Buren) 

There are only two types of accountants in the world.... 

....Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

Any more?

The tax on fireworks - a true story

60 years ago fireworks were added to the list of goods chargeable with Purchase Tax. Hansard records an odd debate that took place on 12 February 1962 concerning the extent of the charge. 

The new Purchase Tax order paper stated that the Tax (a precursor to VAT) was to be charged at 25% on fireworks of all kinds sold over the retail counter for 5th November celebrations and also those used in firework displays. Previously it was only charged on indoor fireworks which were considered to be "a variety of toy." The mind boggles!

As a result of a question raised in the House, the Government had to make it clear that the tax would not apply to those fireworks that were made for either military or marine purposes. 

Thus there was to be no purchase tax on signal rockets, on "Very lights", on bird scarers used by fruit farmers or on "other commercial articles of that kind".  Seems sensible of course. But tax is never simple. 

There then followed a discussion which included these questions: 

• "If a rocket is fired from a ship for the entertainment of the passengers would Purchase tax be payable or not?" 
• "Are the sparks or stars emitted by a firework, such as a rocket, exploded on Guy Fawkes night for pleasurable purposes different to the sparks and stars emitted from a firework exploded at sea?" 
• "Are 'crackers' fireworks or toys? I am referring to crackers in boxes, containing a mercurial strip pulled at children's parties—not to biscuits". 
• "What percentage Purchase Tax would go on a 'penny banger'?" 

Let's finish this ruby anniversary review with a quote from GR Mitchison (the member for Kettering) who said: 

"This is a silly Order, and a very cheerless one. I can only explain it on the ground that the Government have had so many rockets....that they feel that it is about time a tax was imposed on rockets. There is no other explanation for the Order".