Now that's what I call 'tax advice'

Many years ago I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, Steve, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.

I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member). Steve then told me that he had an unusual hobby too. He said he was a poet.

The following day I received an email from Steve containing a poem he had written for me to deliver. I loved it - but never performed it as I can't do all the tricks he references!

The Third Person to Ask

(aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice)

Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat

I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT

The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know

But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to show

To cut a woman in two halves, the secret I find plain

I’m sure you’d much prefer to know how to offset a gain

The most secure of lock and chain I’ll escape in a trice

It really is much better to just give good tax advice

For whilst my skills at magic give me a qualification

They’re not what I’m best know for, throughout the English nation

And since tax is my living, I’m sure that you can see

Why my lectures do not highlight those three letters, MMC.

Written by (and posted with the permission of) accountant poet: Steve Brown

Flags and taxes

A British guy was chatting with his American friend and offered a fun explanation about the red, white and blue in our National flag. "Our flag symbolises our taxes," he said. "We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars, too."

What does TAX mean?

 Here are some of the answers I received online when I asked that question:

TAX...
... is what someone from Yorkshire uses to chop twood.
... means to add something to a taxonomy.
... is annoying little nails that keep the carpet down.
... means 'Many thanks' in Danish.
... is the verb for using a taxi.
... means Taken Abroad EXclusively: the new way to get the Capital of England to the Cayman Islands
... is something to be avoided at all costs.

And, finally, my absolute favourite:
TAX can be shown to be a cheeky government joke: 'Tax' is made up of the word 'Ta', followed by a little kiss. "Thanks for yer money, suckers"

A crazy excuse from HMRC

I once heard about a lady who received a letter from HMRC threatening her with fines if she didn't produce a certain document.

In fact she had sent them the document in question a month before and it had got lost within HMRC's office. She explained:

The (perfectly nice) lady I spoke to said that apparently my original letter had contained an all-important blue slip. The internal mail system only recognises blue slips, rather than, say, people's names. My failure to include the blue slip had resulted in my carefully packaged 35-page document entering a postal abyss, never to be seen again. While I recognise that not understanding the importance of the blue slip was negligent, I had called HMRC and asked exactly where I should send the package and to whom. The package had my tax and NI numbers on it.

This got me wondering how – in the absence of the blue slip - I could have got the document to the right person. Clearly sending something registered post is no use. I suppose I could try delivering it in person, but I've just googled East Kilbride and it's a really long way away. Plus, if HMRC's internal posties can't find someone in their own building, I'm not sure I'd have more luck. Maybe the person in question is very difficult to find – her desk is in an air-vent or something.

The reason first given to the lady was that her letter had failed to reach the person in question because it's 'a really big building'.

Tax swerving

 A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he has to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

"Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

"What for?!" retorted the man.

"Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.