Cynical accounting definitions

Accounting standards

A collection of rules designed to restrict the imagination of accountants. Necessary because when no rules are in place, accountants go wild in their attempts to be reasonable. 

Annual report

A compulsory document prepared annually by accountants to describe the brilliant work of top management throughout the year. 

Assets

Items listed on a balance sheet, previously on the left, now at the beginning. Some are current, others non-current. 

Estimated useful life

The number of years of service of an asset as estimated by accountant, always significantly lower than the real useful life of the asset. 

Goodwill

Excess paid above the true value when one business entity purchases another, which accountants consider an asset, even though it represents poor negotiating skills. 

Risk statements

Padding at the beginning of an annual report to make it boring to read, and to discourage readers from reaching the financial statements. 

All credit for these goes to Grant Tait who lists them at the start of his 2024 book "Fun with accountants"

A junior accountant asks for a raise....

A student accountant in the US wrote to his senior partner asking for an increased salary:

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Dear Bo$$ 

In thi$ life, we all need $ome things mo$t de$perately. 

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ $tudent$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to the firm. 

 I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. 

Your$ $incerely

Norman 

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The next day, the senior partner sent this letter of reply: 

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Dear NOrman, 

I kNOw you have been working very hard. 

NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. 

You must have NOticed that the firm is NOt doing NOticeably well at present. 

NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. 

After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad. 

I have NOthing more to add NOw. 

You kNOw what I mean. 

 

Yours truly,

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven...

 An Accountant dies and goes to heaven.

Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds.

Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of hoodies. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and then I reached for my mobile phone to call the police, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

5 new acronyms for accountants

I'm a bit of an acronymaniac. Here are some that might be useful for accountants.

AFLO 
We've all had them. Challenges or things that don't go as we hoped. We might smack our forehead in frustration. Maybe January was an AFLO for you this year. Another Flipping Learning Opportunity!

TIOLI 
Maybe this is your approach when talking with clients about your service offerings: Take It Or Leave It

DARE
An approach to following up after attending networking events: Deliberate Acts of Relationship Enhancement.

HIPPO
Another way of explaining why the senior partner gets the last word. It's because it's the Highest Paid Person's Opinion.

GLIBO
What you might think of these acronyms. They offer a GLIBO: Glimse of the Bleeding Obvious