Friday, November 27, 2015

The final word on nutritional advice for accountants

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, h ere's the final word on nutrition and health as it affects accountants (and everyone else):

1. Japanese accountants eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexican accountants eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese accountants drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italian accountants drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. German accountants drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

British accountants can eat and drink what they like. It's UK Accounting standards that are apparently what kills them.

Friday, November 20, 2015

Tax inspectors aren't so bad

When tax inspectors die why are so many of them buried at the bottom of the ocean?

Because deep down they're quite nice people.

Monday, November 16, 2015

What NOT to say at your first job interview to become an accountant

The young accountancy graduate, fresh out of university and knowing everything, applied for his first job in a large form of accountants.

The partner interviewing him asked what starting salary he was looking for.

The young man replied: “Around £100,000 a year, plus usual benefits.”

The partner responded: “Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 15% non contributory pension, reimbursed expenses - no questions asked, free attendance at an overseas conference every year with your partner, all mobile and home telephone bills reimbursed, gym membership, friday night entertainment and a company car replaced every 20,000 miles, say a Mercedes convertible.”

The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. “Wow. Are you kidding?”

Which earned the response: “I'm afraid so, but you started it.”

Friday, November 06, 2015

The Budget - Stanley Unwin gives his opinion

Unclear which year's Budget is being discussed, but frankly it wouldn't make any great difference!

Friday, October 16, 2015

Which is the oldest profession? Tax or Accountancy?

They were arguing over who had the more noble profession and agreed it was whichever had been around the longest.

The accountant, convinced he'd won, quoted the bible. Even before God created Adam he created an orderly universe from chaos. An orderly universe implied the involvement of accountants to monitor and keep track of developments. By definition some of the angels must have been accountants. There were no taxes so no tax inspectors around that early in human history.

The tax inspector wasn't beaten. He listened patiently and then simply said: "Who do you think created the chaos?"

Friday, October 09, 2015

New style definitions of common accountancy terms

Profit – A chief executive who gives the accountant the bottom-line.
Debtor – A high society fillies’ coming out trip.
Corporation Tax – A levy on people with large stomachs.
Turnover – The number of times customers are fooled into buying your product.
Budget – A caged bird that can fly through the sound barrier.
Expended – Exhausted from all that shopping.
Drawings – The creative art of taking money from your business.
Stock-take – Counting the number of items taken home from work without payment.
Book-keeping – Those books not given to the accountant.
Fixed Cost – Size of required bribe.
Cost Accounting – Size of accountants' bill.
Liability – A gift for telling the opposite of the truth without detection.
And finally –
Asset – A complete collection of posteriors.

With many thanks to Rod Wilson of RWA Ltd Accountants (Rod tells me that RWA = Really Wicked Accountants)