Friday, October 09, 2015

New style definitions of common accountancy terms

Profit – A chief executive who gives the accountant the bottom-line.
Debtor – A high society fillies’ coming out trip.
Corporation Tax – A levy on people with large stomachs.
Turnover – The number of times customers are fooled into buying your product.
Budget – A caged bird that can fly through the sound barrier.
Expended – Exhausted from all that shopping.
Drawings – The creative art of taking money from your business.
Stock-take – Counting the number of items taken home from work without payment.
Book-keeping – Those books not given to the accountant.
Fixed Cost – Size of required bribe.
Cost Accounting – Size of accountants' bill.
Liability – A gift for telling the opposite of the truth without detection.
And finally –
Asset – A complete collection of posteriors.

With many thanks to Rod Wilson of RWA Ltd Accountants (Rod tells me that RWA = Really Wicked Accountants)

Friday, September 25, 2015

Joke: Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."
The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He     uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Friday, September 18, 2015

A winning suggestion....

A firm of accountants (that shall remain nameless) wanted to engage their staff in an efficiency drive so that everyone understood the need to be careful with the firm's money.

The partners introduced a suggestion scheme facility and promised a prize of £100 for the best suggestion each month - in terms of a simple to implement money saving measure.

The £100 prize was only awarded once.
It went to a manager who suggested reducing the monthly prize to £50.

Friday, September 04, 2015

7 top fun quotes about taxes

"Our tax code is so complicated, we've made it nearly impossible for even the Internal Revenue Service to understand."

"The United States is the only country where it takes more brains to figure your taxes than to earn the money to pay it."

"The way I look at this, we essentially have a tax system that's held together by chewing gum and chicken wire."

"A friend is one who takes you to lunch even if you're not tax deductible."

"If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation."

"The tax code last year included 2.8 million words. The Holy Bible itself has only about 775,000 words. Obviously, God did not need to issue such copious instructions for living as we currently have for complying with tax laws."

"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

Friday, August 28, 2015

The Utterly Uninteresting & Unadventurous Tales of Fred, the Vampire Accountant

Regular viewers of this blog will know that I generally avoid posting 'fun' items that reinforce the age old insulting misconception that all accountants are boring.

Occasionally though I come across items that just have to be featured here despite my best intentions. And this book, written by Drew Hayes and published in 2014,  is one such item.

Frederick Frankford Fletcher ("Fred") was "a mild mannered accountant" in life and in death. First with a heartbeat and then without. As one of the reviews suggests:
"He’s the same undead as he was alive – a boring accountant with low self-esteem. He also learned early on that he is not good at the whole stalking prey, eating straight from the vein thing. So, he gave that up and gets his blood from a hospital as a favor for cooking their books."
I'm no fan of the whole vampire genre but the reviews I have seen of this book were enough to encourage me to download the kindle version (it was free when I did so) from Amazon.

Further review quotes:
Some people are born boring. Some live boring. Some even die boring. Fred managed to do all three, and when he woke up as a vampire, he did so as a boring one. Timid, socially awkward, and plagued by self-esteem issues, Fred has never been the adventurous sort.
Zombie J 
The only small problem I had with this otherwise likeable book is it did get somewhat repetitive. Fred constantly reminded us of how boring, timid, non-confrontational, and non-vampirish he is. But he was one of those characters that is really pretty charming, even if he doesn’t know it himself. He’s quite adorkable, actually.

Friday, August 21, 2015

The value of accountants at awards ceremonies - according to Dr Sheldon Cooper

This clip from the popular TV show, The Big Bang Theory, was shown at the start of the Emmy's in 2012. In the clip the genius Dr Sheldon Cooper explains why accountants are much more than simply adding machines.