Skip to main content

Posts

Do accountants make the best patients?

Five international surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients.

The Danish declares: "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered".

The African  surgeon replies: "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The German surgeon observes: "I think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The American surgeon points out: "I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over."

The British surgeon shuts them all up by pointing out that: "Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There is no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the derriere are interchangeable."
Recent posts

Putting accountants out of business

In 1965 the Chancellor (Jim Callaghan) introduced his Budget Speech with the prophecy that he would so simplify the system that accountants would be put out of business.

The 1965 Budget is particularly memorable as it introduced two new concepts - Corporation tax and Capital Gains Tax.

At the time, tax specialist Adam Broke was a newly married breadwinner. He was initially concerned that perhaps there would be no future for tax advisers. He recalls that the Chancellor's ambitions were thwarted by the inclusion in his proposals of "small minded concepts such as close companies".

As a result, Adam spent only milliseconds worrying whether he had chosen the wrong career.

Little has changed over the years. Each tax change that purports to introduce simplicity into the tax system is similarly bedevilled by undue complexity, oversights and 'small minded concepts'.


4 quotes about the tax system

"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
WILL ROGERS

"Who is the figure behind every great man, the individual who knows his ultimate secrets? A father confessor? Hell no, the tax expert."
LOUIS ARCHINCLOSS

"A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you it is tax reform."
SENATOR RUSSELL B LONG

"Taxation with representation ain't so hot either."
GERALD BARZAN

"I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money."
ARTHUR GODFREY

The News Quiz insults Accountants

On 18 May 2018 panellist Jeremy Hardy on Radio 4's News Quiz commented on negative press comment about big 4 firms of accountants, This was in the context of the failure of Carillion.
He suggested that Carillion is what you might call a number that’s a million times higher than a number any sane person would think of. And added: 
"I’m a bit jealous that there are high rolling accountants. Mine’s quite lacklustre in comparison to that lot.  I just give him a carrier bag full of receipts and he keeps me out of prison. That’s all that happens."
There was a later reference to a phrase in a select committee report “Carillion was brought down by a combination of recklessness, hubris and greed”
Which prompted fellow panellist Simon Evans to respond: "Recklessness, Hubris and Greed sounds like a good name for the accountants".

Married at First Sight: Accountants stuck in a bad marriage

What follows is an entertaining analysis of the merger of two accounting bodies as if they had met and married in 2014 in a lavish ceremony agreed by their respective members.
Together, the lovers formed CAANZ, an alluring acronym which stands for Chartered Accountants Australia and New Zealand.  The great promise of this matrimony of professional bodies, as laid down in the nuptial documents, otherwise known as the Explanatory Memorandum to the merger, has not lived up to its vows.  Perhaps it is a case of haste to the alter. NZICA appeared only borderline solvent before the marriage. It was the ugly duckling which somehow married a swan, albeit a worn out old swan, with sweet talk and forget-me-nots in an Explanatory Memorandum. As the private equity turnaround merchants say: “You only have to look good for the wedding day.”  Since the nuptials,  the New Zealand bride seems to have been on a frolic with the marital credit card, spending up in the Shaky Isles and apparently taking li…

Do accountants laugh?

"Do accountants laugh?" was a question posed online by top Comedy Magician, John Archer ahead of a gig for accountants.

Among the replies he received were:
It depends on their clientsOnly where they lose their balanceWhen it's at someones else's expenseYes, when their balance sheet balancesAs soon as you pay their bill