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New Year twitter titters - accountants and tax

New year titters from twitter that deserve a mention on this blog:

When Bono was born, a tax accountant, a media lawyer and a publicist brought gifts of money, money and money to his gold baby throne

blue sky, crisp winter day, what on earth could spoil it. Hmmm, this letter from my accountant showing corp tax and SATR due, happy new year

Busy all day! Beaten tax return into shape but owing to complexity of 08/09 fin.year (and by idiocy of former employer), off to accountant.

Trying to organize tax stuff. Building and filling spreadsheets. Can't wait to try & find all my supply receipts. TG I got an accountant!

Can't seem to locate the receipt I left on my desk before I took my holiday leave and the accountant's bugging me like crazy - HOLD ON!

I'm supposed to be adding up receipts for my tax return but instead I'm typing this.
@RealDMitchell (yup - The Real David Mitchell - from PeepShow and Mitchell & Webb)

I accidentally laundered 15 pounds! Take that, inland revenue!

Tax return done. Yes. Dear Inland Revenue, I hate you with a passion usually reserved only for cold callers and people who say "should of"

I *really* wish the Inland Revenue's Self Assessment guidance notes were available in a language other than pure gibberish.

Accountant seems to say I'm a very good photographer - which must be why I have unexpectedly large tax bill to pay by 31 Jan. Oh dear...
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One, but he'll have 1500 of them to do on 31st January.

(This response was suggested by Adrian Higgs)

Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client…

Ken Dodd and the Inland Revenue

The comedian Ken Dodd, was prosecuted for tax evasion in 1989 as has been mentioned on this blog before, here and here. I'd love to find a clip of him talking about it in his act. For now though here are a couple of references to comments he makes about the experience.

He is known to introduce himself as a “failed accountant”. That, he explains, is simply to establish a rapport with the audience. “People today are all stressed out about home economics, and accountants are the current bogeymen. [Since when?]

Dodd is the butt of a lot of his material and repeated references are made to his love of money, his dislike of what he insists on calling the Inland Revenue and his past run-in with them. “They sent me a self-assessment form the other day. To me! I invented self-assessment.”

During the trial it was revealed that Dodd had very little money in his bank account. He did however have £336,000 in cash stashed in suitcases in his attic. When asked by the judge, "What does a…