Friday, January 26, 2018

Analogies for how HMRC operates

If HMRC ran a cafĂ© it would drag passers-by in from the street, 
force them to cook their own lunch, 
then fine them for overcooking the eggs. 

Two weeks later, it would dispatch a leaflet explaining that cooking eggs is easy! 
But doubling the fine.

This analogy formed part of Richard Godwin's Comment piece in The London Evening Standard on 21 December 2011.

Can you do better?

Friday, January 19, 2018

"Now that's what I call Tax Advice!"

Years ago I spoke at a large ACCA meeting at the Fairfield Halls in Croydon. Just before I was introduced, Steve, an eagle eyed accountant asked me about the third set of initials after my name on the title slide projected on the screen. After my FCA and CTA (Fellow) I had included MMC.

I explained this was a bit of fun as they are the designatory letters for members of The Magic Circle (and, yes, I am a member, indeed, I am now The Treasurer). Steve then told me that he had an unusual hobby too. He said he was a poet.

The following day I received an email from Steve containing a poem he had written for me to deliver. I loved it - but never performed it as I can't do all the tricks he references!

The Third Person to Ask
(aka : Now That’s What I Call Tax Advice)
Though it is true I can produce a rabbit from a hat
I’d rather extol savings from the flat rate scheme for VAT
The sleight of hand required in Three Card Monte I do know
But ways to grow your practice is what I’d prefer to show
To cut a woman in two halves, the secret I find plain
I’m sure you’d much prefer to know how to offset a gain
The most secure of lock and chain I’ll escape in a trice
It really is much better to just give good tax advice
For whilst my skills at magic give me a qualification
They’re not what I’m best know for, throughout the English nation
And since tax is my living, I’m sure that you can see
Why my lectures do not highlight those three letters, MMC.

Written by (and posted with the permission of) accountant poet: Steve Brown

Friday, January 12, 2018

Another accountant goes to the doctor.....

An accountant knocks on the door of the local GP's surgery and walks in.
"Hello, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me. Goodbye." With that the accountant turns around and walks out.

30 seconds later they are back. "Hello again, doctor. Please help. I just don't know what's wrong with me."

The Doctor looks up from his desk and asks: Are you an accountant?"

"Yes"

 "Ok, In that case I think it's obvious. You have a serious case of double entry."

Friday, January 05, 2018

An accountant goes to the doctor.....

"Doctor, doctor, I've taken the medicine you prescribed but it's not working. What should I do?"
"Try using your calculator."
"How will that help?"
"I'm not sure, but it's something you can count on".

"Goats ate my accounts" and other excuses

Some of the most outrageous reasons given to Companies House for late filings over the last 12 months include: “goats ate my accounts” “...