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Showing posts from July, 2018

Fun names for Inspectors of Taxes

I heard a lovely true story recently about an Inspector of Taxes whose name was Mr Millions.  he worked for the Inland Revenue - in the days before it was rebranded as HMRC.

Many years back before the self assessment system started, Inspectors would 'list' appeals against estimated assessments for hearings before the General Commissioners. And then accountants would routinely call the Inland Revenue to ask for the hearings to be postponed.

This Tax Inspector often had to handle these calls and adopted a standard response when answering his phone. He said: "Millions, no jokes please!"

Which parrot should be in the accountant's office?

An accountant went into a pet shop to buy a parrot for company in his office.

The shop owner showed him a pretty parrot on a perch and explained that it was ideal for an accountant as it knew some mild swear words but only used them when it heard someone say  "HMRC".

The accountant asked how much it was and the shop owner said it was only a hundred pounds.

The accountant felt he could invest more than this so asked if there were any other parrots.

"Certainly" replied the shop owner. "This blue one doesn't swear at the taxman but he will learn your clients' names and greet them personally whenever they come into your office. This one is for sale at one thousand pounds".

This was more than the accountant wanted to spend so he asked the price and talents of a third parrot that was sitting quietly in the corner of the pet shop.

"Aha" said the shop owner. "That's the most expensive parrot. It costs five thousand pounds".

The acc…

The altruistic dead accountant

An Accountant dies and goes to heaven.
Saint Peter starts asking him all the usual questions required to get into heaven.

The accountant, it seems, has repeatedly helped people cheat on their taxes and embezzle funds.

Finally, in exasperation, St Peter asks, “Well, have you ever done anything good, anything totally unselfish and altruistic in your entire life?”

“Well,” says the accountant, “Once I saw this pretty lady being beaten up by a bunch of hoodies. So I yelled “Hey jerks, why don’t you pick on somebody your own size” and then I reached for my mobile phone to call the police, and took off running. They forgot about her for a second and she managed to run also.

Saint Peter asks, “I’m looking through the book of your life, and I don’t see this incident recorded. When did it occur?”

The accountant replies, “About five minutes ago.”

The interchangeable accountant

I love this story of the interchageable accountant.

Peter spent ages asking around his local area and getting positive testimonials. He eventually chose a very reputable firm based on several recommendations.

Unfortunately, the day he went for his appointment he was running late and inadvertently walked into the accountants next door to the one he was supposed to be visiting. They said they had no recollection of his appointment (not surprising really), but sent him to an office really quickly and in no time he was talking to his new accountant.

Peter says he has since been really happy with the service they provide and wouldn't change them. He's glad he did all that research!