An accountant who knows nothing about their client

Rapper star 50 Cent, real name Curtis Jackson, called his accountant to Court in the US to testify

about his finances. But she knew little more about them than he did.

Jackson has already filed for bankruptcy after a jury awarded a $5million penalty against him after deciding he violated a woman's privacy by posting her private sex-tape video online.

A further penalty was in prospect and the amount would depend on Jackson's net worth. He called his accountant to give evidence to support claims his net assets came to less than $5m. Other estimates suggest a figure well over $100m.

The Californian accountant, who, it transpired has never actually met or spoken with her famous client, is employed by his business managers.  She didn't cope well on the stand and said that she doesn't know:

• who bought the rights when 50 Cent recently sold some of his music catalog for $3 million. 
• whether the $29 million that 50 Cent loaned to various businesses is recoverable. 
• how much money he makes from executive-producing the TV show 'Power'. 
• how many drivers he has on his payroll.
• how any value could be attributed to new partnerships between his headphone company and Disney, Marvel, Lucasfilm, Intel and Reebok because they could “go nowhere and make no money,” 
• how much money he made from a recent underwear-endorsement deal. 
• that he had recently listed his 21-bedroom Connecticut mansion online for $11 million.
• how much money 50 Cent makes from music royalties on the $38 millions worth of records he has sold.

You'd have thought she might have anticipated such questions and checked out the information beforehand. If only to retain some professional credibility. As it is she was a laughing stock.

How to get past HMRC 's automated phone system

The following appeared on the letters page of The Daily Telegraph on 10th July:

Taxing menu
SIR – I telephoned HMRC about a tax query. I was asked the usual questions by a robot voice and was eventually told to hold and someone would be with me shortly. After 47 minutes waiting, listening to the most awful music, I hung up and tried again.
This time my replies to the robot voice were “lamb vindaloo” and “sweet and sour pork”. To the question: “Are you making an inquiry about your own tax?” I responded: “Walls Cornetto.”
I was put through and spoke to a human adviser within two minutes.
M J Annett Horley, Surrey

Many thanks to Rebecca Cave, for bringing it to my attention.

What's one plus one?

In a test to establish who was the most worthy to act as his accountant, an entrepreneur asked four candidates for their answer to an easy question: "What's one plus one?"

The first accountant rushed to give the answer "2" and was eliminated.

The second accountant tried to be clever by offering a mathematical approach and was also dismissed. The entrepreneur wasn't interested in hearing about number bases and that "In binary 1+1 = 10 which looks like a ten".

The next accountant tried a different approach and replied by asking the entrepreneur a question. "Are you buying or selling?" He then explained that if he was buying, the answer was 2. If he was selling it was one, one - ie: eleven.

The entrepreneur was impressed but decided to give the last applicant a chance. He was sure would win over the entrepreneur. He went over to the windows and drew the curtains. He then went over to the door, locked and tested it, and went right up to the entrepreneur. Looking him squarely in the eye he said: "What would you like it to be?"

He was hired.