10 things an accountant would never say

Not sure I agree with them all. What about you?

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:

• How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
• The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
• I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
• A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

20 songs for accountants going on holiday

The following playlist is drawn from suggestions made by non-accountants on my facebook feed.
There's a distinct monetary theme but some inventive alternatives too.

1. Money, that's what I want - Flying Lizards
2. Leaving on a (budget-approved) Jet Plane- John Denver
3. Ticket to Ride - A nice emailed copy for the accountants - The Beatles
4. Do you know the way to (reclaim the cost of travel to) San Jose? - Dionne Warwick ACA
5. The Balance - The Moody Blues
6. Taxman - The Beatles
7. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks ("The taxman's taken all my dough, And left me in my stately home")
8. We can work it out - The Beatles
9. Money - Pink Floyd
10. Colour by Numbers (album) - Culture Club
11. Money's too tight to mention - Simply (in the) Red
12. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits
13. Get up (I feel like Being a Tax Machine) - James Brown ACA
14. I can't get no tax-isfaction - The Rolling Stones
15. The Final Countdown - Europe
16. Chasing Payments - Adele
17. Money money money - Abba
18. (Making Tax) Digital - Joy Division
19. Take the Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
20. Price tag - Jessie J

Plus two bonus tracks:

• A song for January: Under Pressure - Queen
• My favourite though, suggested by William Buist who knows I'm a bit of an acronymaniac, was: 24 hours to TULSA (Tally Up Long Standing Accounts). 

Many thanks to everyone who contributed to this list: Lee Hathaway, Kapil Kapur, Rod Sloane, Penny Haslam,  Mark Wingfield, Michelle Lubzianski, David Lewis, David Hyner, Andy Lopata, Shelley Bridgman, Cindy-Michelle Waterfield, Dave Sumner-Smith, Spyros Melaris, Andrew (Bernie) Bernard, William Buist.