Popular films remade for accountants (part one)

There are dozens of films about lawyers. Here are some that could be made about accountants:

• The Accountant of Monte Cristo 
• Honey I Shrunk The Balance sheet 
• Double Entry Indemnity 
• Abacus Now
• Dead profits Society
• Kinky Books
• Trading (Profit and Loss Account) Places 
• The Unbearable Lightness of Being Audited 
• Harry Potter and the Audit of the Phoenix 
• Tax Returns Of The Jedi 
• Debbie Does Double Entry Bookkeeping 
• Abbacus - The Movie 
• The Offshore Shank Redemption

The purchase ledger accountant's lament

Piles of purchase invoices, in all colours and sizes

Apparently so varied but with very few surprises
The Boss will read them carefully before he authorises
Then it’s my job to process them as my blood pressure rises

I say each number quietly to get it in my brain
And as I type it to the screen I say it once again
The others in the office think my mumbling’s a pain
They say it shows I’m mad, but can I promise you – I’m sane!

Once input to the system I’m so careful where I pile ‘em
Too close to the window, they’ll be gone before I file ‘em
And that would be the end of me, straight off to the asylum…
My loving caring colleagues would be very quick to dial ‘em

So here I am, an invoice clerk until the bitter end
Most of the time I work real hard but sometimes I pretend
I’m living in a different world, with mates and cash to spend
Oh please won’t someone rescue me? I’M GOING ROUND THE BEND!

Written by Sean Kelly.

Is this email too informal for a client?

A recent online exchange between two anonymous accountants made me chuckle:

Accountant 1
Has anyone else noticed that email communication with clients is becoming more personal and less formal?

Accountant 2

Dear [Accountant 1],

I hope you are well.

My emails, like yours, have moved imperceptibly from sublimely formal to ridiculously over-friendly.

Please find attached our fee-note in respect of our professional charges relating to our involvement and commentary upon the matter(s) raised by you; settlement of which is due within seven days. Thank you for using our services, which I trust have been to your satisfaction.

Thank you in anticipation of your timely settlement.

Yours objectively,

Mr ThisIsAsInformalAsIget F.C.A.

Lockdown lingo for accountants

Blue Skype thinking

An accountancy firm's brainstorming session which takes place over a videoconferencing app. Such meetings might also be termed a “Zoomposium”. 

Coronadose

An overdose of bad news about clients during a time of crisis. Can result in a “panicdemic”.

The elephant in the Zoom

The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. Typically either a colleague who has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Quentin Quarantino

A furloughed junior staff member who is using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot

A colleague or client who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown”.

Antisocial distancing

Using health precautions as an excuse for avoiding any contact with colleagues you find irritating.

Tandemic

How you describe the consequence of your colleagues acquiring a sun-kissed glow from working at home in their gardens.

Doom ’n’ Zoom

The feeling spread by the a miserable or pessimistic colleague in a videoconference, aka the “Zoommonger”.

Fattening the curve

The weight that all accountants are gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking.