Friday, September 25, 2020

5 quick jokes about accountants

1 - The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night...

....I woke up every hour and cried.


2 - I'm not saying my accountant is too literal, but when I asked him to check my balance, he pushed me over.

3 - Why are accountants always so calm, composed, and methodical? They have strong internal controls.

4 - What do you call a trial balance that doesn't balance? A late night.

5 - Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He had a ton of paper work to do.  But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t budget. So he decided to work it out with a pencil.

Friday, September 04, 2020

The Priest, the Doctor and the Accountant

A rich old businessman calls his Priest, Doctor and Accountant, to attend him during his last days.

“I’m dying” he says. “They say you can't take it with you, but I want to prove them wrong.”  

“Father, you have tended to my spiritual needs and gave me absolution when my conscience bothered me. Doctor, you have tended to my physical needs and kept me going through all my excess. 
Steve (the Accountant) you have advised me how to make even more money, and even helped keep me out of jail when the tax man was after me. 

I am going to request one last thing from each of you. Here are 3 envelopes each containing £100,000. When I die, I want you each to throw your envelope into the grave as they bury me. That way I get to take some of my money with me.” 

A few day later the businessman died. 

At the funeral the Priest, Doctor and the Accountant dutifully threw their envelopes into the grave as it was being filled in. 

Afterwards, when they were walking through the church yard, the Priest turned to the other two and said, “Gentlemen, I have something weighing on my conscience that I must tell you. You know I run a shelter for the homeless and needy. I could not in all conscience waste all that money, so there was only £50K in the envelope I threw into the grave.” 

The Doctor then spoke, “Father” he said “I’m so pleased you told us this. You know that I help run a clinic for down and outs and addicts, that can't get help anywhere else. I couldn’t see all that money go to waste when it could help so many, so there was only £25K in the envelope I threw in.” 

The Accountant looked in horror at the Priest and Doctor, “Despite your worthy ideals you cheated our friend out of his final wish. I'm disappointed in you both. The least you could have done is what I did and put a cheque into the envelope for the full amount.”

True story about an ex-chartered accountant

True story - An accountant in his sixties sells part of his practice. He keeps a few favoured clients and stops paying his Institute subs. ...