There was an accountant - limericks

There was an accountant called Max 

Whose main line was working in tax 

He couldn't wait 

For the 1st February date 

When he could have a rest and relax 

 There was an accountant called Grace 

Who was rather red in the face 

With her returns she was late 

And was rather irate 

But knew everything would fall into place.

The tax Inspector and the publican

Many years ago when local inspectoprs of taxes made visits to their local, a publican had an afternoon meeting with a tax inspector in his pub. 

The publican had been claiming tax relief in respect the upkeep of his 'guard dog' but the taxman was unwilling to concede that this was acceptable. 

 The publican replied that upstairs in the pub were both the dog and the lunchtime takings. 

He invited the taxman to go upstairs, on his own, and if the taxman returned with the takings the publican would agree to add back the disputed expenses. 

The taxman's response was to allow the expense in full. 

  My thanks to Barry Jefford of George Hay, Chartered Accountants, who told me this story many years ago, after he heard it from his client, being the publican in question

How accountants do it...

Accountants do it by the book. 

Accountants do it within budget. 

Accountants do it to the bottom line. 

Accountants do it with double entries. 

Accountants do it between spreadsheets. 

Accountants are Certified to do it in Public. 

Accountants do it without losing their balance.

Out of the mouths of babes...

This true story may only make sense if you know me, but it's worth recording anyway:

 Many years ago when my nephew Zach was about 8 years old he told his mother that when he grew up he wanted to be like Uncle Mark. 

 "An accountant?" his mother asked, a little incredulous that little Zach could be interested in the subject at such a young age. 

What could have happened to inspire this attraction to the profession she wondered. 

Zach's reply was priceless. "Oh," he said, "Is that what you call someone who does magic tricks?"