The final word on nutritional advice for accountants

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health as it affects accountants (and everyone else): 

 

1. Japanese accountants eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

2. Mexican accountants eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. Chinese accountants drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

4. Italian accountants drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. German accountants drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

CONCLUSION: British accountants can eat and drink what they like. It's UK Accounting standards that are apparently what kills them.

Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

You know you need a new accountant when....

• Your Accountant begins the initial interview with "When I was in prison..." 
• After completing your tax return showing a balance due of £3,000, your Accountant asks for it in cash. 
• You see your Accountant on TV. On Crimewatch 
•  Your Accountant thinks "amortisation" is Italian for "making love". 
•  Every time you visit Your Accountant in their office, they're smoking a joint. 
• Your Accountant tells you "You probably won't go to jail for this, but..." 
• Your Accountant is also a Lawyer, and is representing your partner in the divorce proceedings. 
• Your Accountant tells you he hasn't filed his own tax return in years 
• Your Accountant seems to have a cold all year long....and powder residue on his desk 
• Your Accountant is just happy to hear from you - even if it is at the end of January!