Which parrot should the accountant buy?

 An accountant went into a pet shop to buy a parrot for company in his office.

The shop owner showed him a pretty parrot on a perch and explained that it was ideal for an accountant as it knew some mild swear words but only used them when it heard someone say  "HMRC".

The accountant asked how much it was and the shop owner said it was only a hundred pounds.

The accountant felt he could invest more than this so asked if there were any other parrots.

"Certainly" replied the shop owner. "This blue one doesn't swear at the taxman but he will learn your clients' names and greet them personally whenever they come into your office. This one is for sale at one thousand pounds".

This was more than the accountant wanted to spend so he asked the price and talents of a third parrot that was sitting quietly in the corner of the pet shop.

"Aha" said the shop owner. "That's the most expensive parrot. It costs five thousand pounds".

The accountant was astonished any parrot could cost that much. "What the heck can it do?"

To which the shop owner replied "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two say he's their Senior Partner."

A customer complains to HMRC

Dear Inspector of Taxes 

I see from your website that you regard me as a customer. This makes you my supplier and I am therefore writing to tell you that I have decided to look for an alternative supplier. 

This is your last chance to improve your service. 

Let me tell you why my wife and I are fed up to the back teeth with the way you have looked after us of late: 

 - To help even out our cashflow, when we have surplus funds, we lodge them with you as a pre-payment of part of our forthcoming tax bill. However you hardly ever send us statements that show us where we stand with you and when you do send them, they are quite impossible to check or to understand what they mean; 

- You never seem to answer the telephone; 

- You and your colleagues take an age to deal with the enquiries my accountant has raised with you; and you seem happy to threaten distraint proceedings at the drop of a hat - never a good idea from a customer service point of view. 

If you really were a business you'd have gone bust years ago. You seem to have no idea about how to look after your customers. 

As you can see I have become a thoroughly disgruntled and miserable customer. 

I will never recommend your services to any friend of mine and I long to take my business elsewhere. 

The problem I face is that there doesn't seem to be any other suppliers of whatever it is you supply. 

Yours faithfully.

 ---- 

The above letter was written to the Tax Office by a taxpayer who copied it to his accountant Huw Williams of HM Williams, Chartered Accountants.