10 experiences that prove you're an accountant

1. Wincing when someone says, "Can’t you just fudge the numbers a bit?"
2. Memorising the HMRC Agent Dedicated Line number memorised but struggling to recall the same for your significant other.
3. Trying to hide that you are an accountant from fellow members of your social, sporting or volunteer  group to avoid being pressured to takeover as Treasurer. 
4. Correcting an error on someone else’s spreadsheet then feeling smug for the rest of the day. 
5. Being slightly disappointed that the film The Accountant didn’t contain much actual accountancy.
6. Inadvertently snarling when someone uses the term “bean counter”. 
7. Wearily correcting ridiculous tax-relief schemes down the pub (no, your Labrodoodle is not a guard dog).
8. Being disappointed there aren’t any TV dramas like Grey’s Anatomy or Suits made about accountants. 
9. Putting “retired” on your conference badge so vendors don't hassle you.
10. Constantly battling the urge to colour-code everything, even your sock drawer.

6 tax deduction one-liners

Every year my friend asks if he can deduct the cost of his jogging shoes for tax purposes. It’s a running joke.

My client recently started a gardening business because he wanted to grow his net income.

Another client wanted to write off  the cost of a new bespoke suit. They said it would be a tailored deduction.

It would be wrong to claim a deduction for a new watch, but it could be a timely mistake.

My friend wanted to deduct the cost of his glasses. I told him that was short-sighted.

And anyone who thinks they can claim their morning coffee as a business expense should note that’s a perk, not a write-off.

Fun names for accountancy firms, or internal names for teams

 There's a firm of accountants in South Africa called 'Doughgetters'. 

That prompted me to look out for other such names. I found these:

• The Accountables
• Accruing respect
• The 3 Bs - Big Bad Bookkeepers
• The cash kings
• The counting consultants
• The counting Countesses
• Double entry deviants
• Figure fraternisers
• Ledgerndary
• Ledger lovers
• LIFO the party
• Ruler of the results
• Sir count-a-lot
• Taxmanian devils
• Three balance sheets to the wind

Others which are perhaps less positive include:

• The Accountaholics
• The bad assets
• Between the spreadsheets
• The cash cows
• Dealers in debits and credits
• Journal junkies
• The pirates of the accountancy
• Spreadsheet snoops
• Sums of anarchy
• Tax terrorists
• The uncountables
• Year end yearners

Reasons NOT to visit your accountant

 It all depends on who you are, but you may have a good reason NOT to visit your accountant. For example: 

•  The structural engineer won’t go if he’s too worried the office will collapse on him. 
• The resting ac-tor, worried they can't claim expenses against the novel they aren't writing. 
• The owner of a paper shop whose business has folded. 
• The owner of a Kipper business that went up in smoke. 
• The Psychic who couldn't go because they hadn't foreseen the travel restrictions. 
• The motor car manufacturer wont go because....don't get me started. 
• The carpet maker feared the accountant would pull the rug out from underneath. They also didn't want to be nailed by the tacks man! 
• The violinist didn't go as she didn't want to be accused of being on the fiddle. 
• The drill operator thought it would be too boring. 
• The watchmaker didn't have the time. 
• The carpenter felt it would go against the grain.