Clients' reactions to being told how much tax they need to pay

“Are you sure you typed the decimal point in the right place?” 

“Do I at least get a thank-you card from HMRC?” 

“And I suppose you’ll be asking me to pay it, not you?” 

“What if I just… didn’t? Hypothetically, of course.” “

“You must be confusing me with someone who actually has that kind of money.” 

“Is this tax or some sort of punishment for being moderately successful?” 

“Remind me again why I thought going self-employed was a good idea?” 

"Are you on some sort of flipping commission for the taxman?!"

"Do you get some sort of sadistic pleasure from the amount of tax you're telling me I owe?"

The 6 worst things that happen to auditors

1. Getting in early only to find the manager who's got all the answers is not in today. 
2. Being asked to process a whole shed-load of material adjustments 1 hour before the audit is supposed to finish. 
3. Realising that the 'we-could-finish-a-week-early-and-have-a-jolly' budget has disappeared into thin air. 
4. Being shoved into a cold, pokey, little room in the basement with no windows, mobile phone reception, printer or copier, miles away from where all the people you need to speak to work and 12 floors from the nearest decent snacks vending machine. 
5. Having to ask the difficult finance manager at a client the same questions you know they get frustrated having to answer every year as they explain that nothing has changed. 
6. Finding out that your favourite prestigious audit client has gone bust and your audit partner has gone missing.

Why is there always a vacany for a Finance Director?

If the FD is really good, he will be headhunted - leaving a vacancy 

If the FD is really bad, he will be fired - leaving a vacancy 

If the company prospers the FD may well land the top job - leaving a vacancy 

If the MD dies or retires only the FD has sufficient familiarity with all aspects of the business to take over - leaving a vacancy 

If the company is doing badly, the FD will know first and will leave before anybody else finds out - leaving a vacancy 

 (According to Peter Vaines and Roger Nuttall in their book "The Bottom Line")

What happens when professionals make a mistake?

A doctor's mistake is buried A lawyer's mistake is imprisoned A pharmacist's mistake is poisoned An architect’s mistake becomes a 'feature', An IT expert’s mistake is blamed on 'user error' But, an accountant's mistake is... ....adjusted, corrected and reconciled!

10 reasons accountants make great friends

1. They're an asset that never depreciates 
2. They can work out how to split the bill after a meal (and could do so before apps were developed to resolve this important life skill) 
3. You can always count on them 
4. They make everything balance and give credit where it's due
5. They're used to deadlines – and will still turn up to your party on time
6. They won't judge your spreadsheet, but they might colour-code it.
7. They're used to balancing competing priorities – like beer versus wine.
8. If things go wrong, they'll calmly say: “Let’s see where the numbers don’t add up.”
9. They believe in full disclosure – unless you ask how much they really love spreadsheets
10. They appreciate long-term value – so they’ll never take you for granted