Why is accountancy like Wimbledon?

• Some clients treat tax returns like Wimbledon — show up once a year and expect applause.If an accountant played tennis, they'd challenge every point. With supporting documentation. 
• Tennis has unforced errors. So do self-assessment submissions in January. 
• They say accountants are like tennis players — Always trying to serve clients better. 
• Accountants are like line judges at Wimbledon — always watching the margins.
• Tennis has net play. Accountants have net pay. 
• In tennis, losing players still get applause. In accountancy, they get investigated.
• Most people hear “love 40” and think tennis. Accountants hear it and think “my work-life balance.”

How to describe a glass that's half full/empty

To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty

To the optimist, it’s 1/2 full

To Excel, it is 1st February. (Jan 2nd in the US)

To an AI chatbot, there isn't enough data to describe that

To a recruiter, it's not enough - as you deserve a glass that’s always full

To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be 

A dozen ways to maximise the tax you pay (a parody)

 

1. Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.

2. Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.

3. Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”

4. Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?

5. Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.

6. Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.

7. Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.

8. Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?

9. Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.

10. Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.

11. Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?

12. And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.

Inspired by a post by Anthony Scrase on Facebook 

5 new accounting related acronyms you'll never use

ACCOUNTS – Always Chasing Clients, Often Underpaid, Never Taking Sabbaticals 

RECAP – Routinely Explaining Concepts Again Patiently

RECEIPTS – Random Envelopes Containing Evidence In Perpetual Tattered Shape

TARDIS – Time Allocation Rarely Delivers Income Sadly (How it feels quoting fixed fees for 'quick' jobs.)

P&L – Panic & Last-minute (The only true accounting method for sole traders at year-end.)