You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

1. You can't wait to do your own tax return.
2. You think the GAP store sells accounting standards.
3. You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
4. You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
5. You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
6. You double underline your mother's name when preparing her death notice.
7. You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
8. You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
9. You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
10. You use the term "value added" with a straight face.
11. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
12. You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
13. You aren't sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
14. Your idea of "absolute terror" is an unbalanced T account.
15. Your idea of "creativity" is a one-sided journal entry.

A satirical 1930 income tax calculation including tax relief for a wife and goldfish

The WSJ published this simple formula for computing how much income tax one of its readers had to pay in 1930:

• Dependents: one blonde wife, a sedan car, three goldfish and two children.
• Multiply grandfather's age by 6 7/8, subtracting your telephone number.
• Add hat size and subtract license plate number.

With these preliminaries done, the rest is easy.

• Deduct $1,000 for keeping wife a blonde the whole year, divide the remainder by number of lodges belonged to, multiply by number of electric lights in house, and divide by collar size, giving gross income, which, after dividing by chest measurement and subtracting blood pressure, leaves net amount owed to government.

According to News from 1930

Sometimes it just takes strong persuasion skills

A few years back a man walked into a restaurant with his young son..

He gave the young boy three 50p coins to play with to keep him occupied.

After a while the boy started choking and going blue in the face....
The father realised that his son had swallowed the coins so he starts slapping the child on the back..

The boy coughs up 2 of the 50p's but is still choking.
Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at the bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly... tighter and tighter !!!
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 50ps, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied.
I'm a tax investigation specialist with HMRC...'

Accountant gets shopped by her children

An accountant shared this true story on Linkedin:

I was shopping in Asda with my daughters on Sunday. We had to pick up a few things and whilst there, I remembered that I needed batteries for the business. 

When we were walking round I explained to the girls that we would need to pay separately i.e. (personal purchases on the personal card, business purchases on the business card). 

So we get to the self service check out and one of my girls asks again, why we had to pay separately. 

My youngest daughter shouts back in the loudest voice... “she’s going to put it through the company” 

And everyone within a 30ft radius turned round and looked at me, like I was about to conduct some sophisticated tax fraud. 

Laura Taylor, the accountant concerned, then added:

If you were in Asda Glenrothes on Sunday - my batteries were wholly and exclusively for business purposes!

Popular films remade especially for accountants

Harry Potter and the Audit of the Phoenix
Tango and Cash Flow
The Da Vinci Account Code, and the sequel: The de minimus code
Accountantz
Friends with Benefits in Kind
The Expensedeductibles
Men in the black
28 days calculator
Depreciation Impact
Indiana Jones And The Ledgers Of Doom
Dude where's my Calculator?
Budget Jones' Diary
Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore... at least not on paper
The Deductible Hulk

Any more?

Popular searches about tax and accountants

Listed below are some of the suggestions from Google based on popular searches.

Why is tax....
                      .... so high
                      .... important
                      .... theft
                      .... avoidance legal
                      .... avoidance unethical
                      .... going digital

Why are accountants....
                                     .... paid so much
                                     .... so boring
                                     .... so expensive
                                     .... so busy in January
                                     .... paid so little
                                     .... so arrogant
                                     .... underpaid
                                     .... in high demand

6 fun quotes showing what Americans think about paying taxes

“The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.” – Sam Ewing

“And now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to take, if the tax-collector hasn’t got it before I wake.” – Ogden Nash

“There’s nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won’t cure.” – Dan Bennett

“Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what’s called a red flag. That’s something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That’s a red flag.” – Jay Leno

“Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands.” – Jimmy Kimmel

“It’s income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.” – D. Barry