The journalist, the engineer, the lawyer and the accountant

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job.

He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"?

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two."

 The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Bodmin vs. HMIT in 1854, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?"

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down.

He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

The accountant got the job.

10 famous people who nearly became accountants

All of the following trained to be accountants - in some cases, not for very long but found fame through other talents and skills:

1. Arnold Brown - "Possibly the only Glaswegian Jewish ex-chartered accountant stand up comedian in the world".
2. Eddie Izzard - failed accountancy student who turned to surreal stand-up comedy and acting. His father was Harold Izzard, a former president of the institute of internal auditors and chief auditor of BP.
3. Robert Plant - gave up accountancy training to sing for the rock band Led Zeppelin.
4. David Graveney OBE - former chairman of the England Test selectors (1997 until 2008).
5. John Grisham - the novelist is well known for being a lawyer prior to his writing career. His first degree however was in Accounting from Mississippi State University.
6. Bob Newhart - American funny man who got his first job out of the army working as an accountant in downtown Chicago.
7. Alan ("Fluff") Freeman - DJ Alan Freeman worked as an assistant paymaster/accountant for one of Australia's largest timber companies after leaving school.
8. Pádraig Harrington - the Irish professional golfer passed his final exams in 1994 to gain admittance to ACCA.
9. Fred MacAulay - the Scottish Comedian graduated from the University of Dundee with an MA in accountancy and jurisprudence. He went on to work as an accountant in a number of companies before moving into Comedy.
10. Ron Moody - British actor probably best known for playing the part of Fagin in the stage and film versions of Oliver, he originally trained to be an accountant at the London School of Economics.

An accountant is a person who....

A range of views revealing how some people see an accountant as a person who :

• displays deviant behaviour when it comes to numbers
• can do tricky sums
• experiences an inner peace in the knowledge that debits should always equal credits
• knows the inner thrill of viewing a well structured Chart of Accounts
• gasps at the majestic splendour of a Trial Balance
• marvels at non-accounting colleagues who guiltlessly work from home or leave early on a Friday
• rarely misses a trick when it comes to claiming expenses or receiving above-inflation pay rises
• has made a lifetime vow never to take a holiday at month end
• spends more evenings with the office cleaner than with their partner
• sorts out all the mess

It pays to make good recommendations

An accountant has been advising an eminent Emir on his domicle status. The Arab aristocrat complained of back pain so the accountant recommended a brilliant young chiropractor he knows and who then visits the Emir in his London hotel.

Although the Emir had been in agony the chiropractor's phenomenal skills at soothing angry vertebrae quickly brought some relief. And after a week of daily treatment the Emir was fully recovered.

The young chiropractor has no idea what fee to charge so he asks the accountant who recommended his to the Emir. "What should I do? Treat him for free as an honoured visitor, or would that be insulting? Should I ask him for my normal fee even though he can afford vastly more or should i just charge a round figure, say £2,000 which I know he can well afford?

The accountant says, "try this - send him your fee note but leave the amount blank. Simply write across the top of you bill the words: "The Emir is always fair".

Within a month the chiropractor received a cheque from the Emirate's exchequer or £50,000! He phoned the accountant at once to tell him the god news and to thank him.

The next day the young man received an invoice from the accountant for his advice. The amount had been left blank and across the top of the bill were the words: "The Chiropractor is always fair".

Adapted from an old Bob Monkhouse story included in his book: "Just say a few words"

Seinfeld was as bad as Monty Python re accountants

Imaginary explanations of financial related acronyms

• DEBITS = Desperate Executives Broken by Insider Trading
• EBITDA = Earnings Before I Tricked the Dumb Auditor
• EBIT = Earnings Before Irregularities and Tampering
• LOMBARD = Lots Of Money But A Right Dick
• CEO = Chief Embezzlement Officer
• CFO = Corporate Fraud Officer
• NABRO = Not Another Bloody Regulatory Organisation 
• NAV = Normal Andersen Valuation
• EPS = Eventual Prison Sentence
• FRS = Fantasy Reporting Standards
• P/E = Parole Entitlement
• FIMBRA = Federation of Investment Malpractitioners and Big-time Rip-off Artists
• ISA = Interesting Savings Alternative
• ASB = Adding-up Silly Balances

Any more?

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

You may be taking accounting too seriously if…

1. You can't wait to do your own tax return.
2. You think the GAP store sells accounting standards.
3. You think the CMA awards on TV relate to accounting (CMA is the Country Music Association).
4. You cheer at the Oscars when they announce the accounting firm in charge of the envelopes.
5. You read film credits to identify the name of the Production Accountant.
6. You double underline your mother's name when preparing her death notice.
7. You do an NPV calculation when you receive an indecent proposal (Of course this makes perfect sense if you are married).
8. You do an NPV calculation before deciding not to have children.
9. You can explain the difference between "downsizing", "right sizing", "re-engineering" and "firing people".
10. You use the term "value added" with a straight face.
11. Your Valentine's Day cards have bullet points.
12. You schedule a meeting with your spouse to discuss the past year's performance.
13. You aren't sure, but you think that you can claim depreciation on your human capital as a tax deduction.
14. Your idea of "absolute terror" is an unbalanced T account.
15. Your idea of "creativity" is a one-sided journal entry.