Friday, December 08, 2023

The 12 taxing days of Christmas

A few years ago  Emily Coltman of FreeAgent analysed the tax consequences of every one of the gifts mentioned in the classic song “The Twelve Days of Christmas”.


Emily imagined that the minstrel, whose "true love" gave all these gifts, needs help completing a tax return. 

What, imagined Emily, would be the income tax and VAT rules applicable to the gifts that make up the famous festive menagerie?

What follows is just a sample from some of the explanations. In each case Emily provides rather more detail than is appropriate for this fun blog ;-) 

A partridge in a pear tree This is what HMRC call a “mixed supply” for VAT, because it’s goods with different VAT rates supplied together. The pear tree is zero-rated for VAT, while the partridge, as an ornamental bird, would be standard-rated.  
Three French hens When goods of any kind are brought in from the EU and bought by a business that’s registered for UK VAT, the business has to work out and account for the VAT they would have paid if the item had been bought in the UK. 

Five gold rings If you’re buying an antique gold ring or other piece of second-hand jewellery, how would the seller work out VAT?

Six geese a-laying HMRC goes into a serious level of detail on this. The basic rule of thumb is that poultry kept for their meat or their eggs would be zero-rated for VAT, whereas ornamental birds would be standard-rated.

Eight maids a-milking Milkmaids need to live on the farm in order to be able to do their work properly; in order to do the morning milking they have to get up very early, and so it wouldn’t be practical or possible for them to commute. That means that the farmer can provide the milkmaids with living accommodation free of tax and National Insurance. 

Nine drummers drumming A drummer would have to buy his or her costume to perform in.  That might be a kilt, jacket and plaid for a drummer in a pipe band, or a suit for a jazz band drummer, and so on. He or she can then claim tax relief on the cost of that costume, because a costume for a performer is tax-deductible. 

Twelve lords a-leaping What would be the tax implications if these lords a-leapt out of the country? It depends why they’re a-leaping out and for how long.

Friday, December 01, 2023

When a young accountant bought a donkey

Many years ago a young accountant, Warren, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for £200. 

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. 

When he drove up the farmer said: "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died." 

Warren replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I've gone and spent it already." 

Warren said, "OK, then just unload the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Warren replied: "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Warren was insistent: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." 

 A month later the farmer met up with Warren and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Warren replied: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 a piece and made a profit of £800." 

 The farmer was astonished: "Didn't anyone complain?" Warren replied: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back." 

 Rumour has it that some years later Warren returned to the City and joined one of the largest firms of accountants, where he eventually became senior partner.

Friday, November 24, 2023

The final word on nutritional advice for accountants

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health as it affects accountants (and everyone else): 
 
1. Japanese accountants eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

2. Mexican accountants eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

3. Chinese accountants drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

4. Italian accountants drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

5. German accountants drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 

CONCLUSION: British accountants can eat and drink what they like. It's UK Accounting standards that are apparently what kills them.

Friday, November 17, 2023

Comparing Chartered Accountants vs Management accountants and Certified accountants

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. 

The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried. 

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Management Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough." 

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. 

He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Chartered Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."

Friday, November 10, 2023

Tax inspectors don't tend to believe in magic

A tax inspector arrived at the front door of a magnificent 8 bedroom mansion in the depths of the countryside. 

"How have you managed to buy this luxurious mansion whilst your income is so low?" he asked the market trader who lived there. 

"Well" replied the trader, "When I was fishing last year, I caught a golden fish. When I took it off the hook the fish looked at me and spoke. 

It said: 'I am a magic golden fish. Throw me back in the water and I'll give you the most luxurious mansion you have ever seen.' I threw the fish back into the water and got the mansion." 

The tax inspector looked at the trader suspiciously. "And what proof do you have, to convince me that this preposterous story is true?" 

"Well, you can see the mansion can't you?"

Friday, November 03, 2023

You know you need a new accountant when....

  • Your Accountant begins the initial interview with "When I was in prison..." 
  • After completing your tax return showing a balance due of £3,000, your Accountant asks for it in cash. 
  • You see your Accountant on TV. On Crimewatch 
  •  Your Accountant thinks "amortisation" is Italian for "making love". 
  •  Every time you visit Your Accountant in their office, they're smoking a joint. 
  • Your Accountant tells you "You probably won't go to jail for this, but..." 
  • Your Accountant is also a Lawyer, and is representing your partner in the divorce proceedings. 
  • Your Accountant tells you he hasn't filed his own tax return in years 
  • Your Accountant seems to have a cold all year long....and powder residue on his desk 
  • Your Accountant is just happy to hear from you - even if it is at the end of January!

Friday, October 27, 2023

10 scary tax movies for Halloween

  1. Tax Return of the Living Dead 
  2. Silence of the ledgers 
  3. Friday 31st January 
  4. Rosemary's Bookkeeper
  5. The Taxorcist 
  6. Auditor Dogs 
  7. VATman begins 
  8. Psycho tax inspector 
  9. Phantom of the Tax Office 
  10. Little shop of HMRC 

6 things I hate accountants doing on Linkedin

 Overly personal posts better suited to facebook  Being negative and critical   Starting something they fail to complete   Sharing simple li...