I can destroy you, Moira Stewart tells self-assessment taxpayers

Well - at least that's what 'The Daily Mash' (a satirical online newspaper) is reporting. Their spoof article continues:

MOIRA Stewart, the all-seeing God of Tax, has warned of great suffering for those self-employed workers whose forms displease her.

Powerful divinity Stewart, whose earthly guises include a semi-likeable middle-aged woman, a grey fox and a fire-breathing lizard with nine heads and 43 tusks, has assured mortals that she will not be made a mockery of as the Great Deadline of January 31 approaches.

Stewart, also known as Brabarine or 'The Taxacious One', said: “The hour of self-assessment is nigh.

“But heed my words – a Tesco carrier bag full of crumpled receipts and sweet wrappers does not represent adequate record keeping.

“Nor can you simply make up a number, times it by four and call it your 'mileage allowance'.

“I have many eyes and many ears. My minions include HMRC inspectors, birds and little insects that land on my shoulder and chirrup of your lies.”

Stewart's main shrine, The Golden Temple of the HMRC Dawn, has been inundated with offerings from workers anxious to curry favour with the implacable god.

Scaffolder Tom Logan said: “After sending my tax return, I became paranoid that I may have somehow forgotten to include about six months' worth of cash-in-hand work.

“So I've brought this fatted calf and plan to kill it in the reception area, hoping that it will encourage Moira Stewart to be merciful.”

Meanwhile thousands of concerned self-assessment taxpayers are trapped in the Celestial Maze, also known as the HMRC Helpline.

Masseuse Nikki Hollis said: “There are many menus, each one promising to lead you to an advisor.

“But they only lead to further menus, or a recorded message telling you to go to the website. And if you accidentally press '3', you die instantly."

Kids explain why they want to be tax accountants when they grow up

Sadly there's an element of truth in a lot of what they say.

(In the UK it's worth noting that when these kids talk about 'auditors' they are referencing the IRS not their accountancy colleagues in the audit dept)

An HMRC related analogies that made me smile

If you're a wily corporation, you can play this malign incompetence to your advantage. If you are well-meaning but don't have a degree in fiscal management, never mind funds for an accountant, then you must make endless angst-ridden calls to Patricia in the HMRC office in Pyongyang. I don't know if you've ever tried phoning Patricia, but when she does pick up, she's rarely pleased to hear from you. Having read the new report from the Public Accounts Committee about HMRC's "systemic failures", however, I'm going to ask Patricia out to lunch, order the lobster, then whisper over the petits fours: how about we call it quits? Or perhaps she might view me more favourably if instead of owing a three-figure sum, I owed eight figures.

The above formed part of Richard Godwin's Comment piece in The London Evening Standard on 21 December 2011.

Some fun tax and accountancy related tweets

Just written a cheque for my accountant, who has the longest address in Christendom. It's a good job biro ink is tax-deductible.
@adateal

Smaller than expected tax return further crunched by larger than expected bill from accountant. Bugger.
@GunslingerElite

Somehow, even in my most successful days as a history student, i always knew the world force me into becoming an accountant #stupid economy
@mrstephencamp

The accountant's #happydance.. finding an eligible $100 deduction. Ends when client gets mad for having to save more receipts
@iphoenixcpa

Every year it's the same. I'm doing my tax return and I can't find the stapler, staples or paper clips I need. I buy more. Next year; gone!
@wiggedy

Scary letter from the Inland Revenue I delayed opening, turned out to be a £50 tax rebate. Lesson to be learned in there somewhere.
@shanegriffiths

Client:Didn't think anyone would know. Me:U mean tax fraud? Being wrong year after year is bad pattern. Client:Could I go to jail? Me:Pack.
@ForensicCPA

This card from inland revenue isn't very jolly... or christmassy... or cardy... its more like a bill really. Think I'll stick it up anyway.
@MarkBrotherhood

Tax dispute of the week: Snakes in the office

What do you if you don't want to pay your tax bill?
Protests against the Indian tax system turned venomous this week when an angry snake charmer dumped three bags of around 40 poisonous snakes at officials' feet in his local tax office.

Whilst we might think is unusual the media reports of the story have such varying details that I'm wondering if it happened more than once.

Depending on which report you read there was one person or three. He/they dumped three bags in a tax office or a registry office in Basti or in Harraiya (both of which are in Northern India)

New form P45 published by the Indolent Revenue. Read it carefully.

Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website for The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.

Another form from the Indolent Revenue: Transitional Irritation Allowance

Another spoof form from the clever and fun official looking (but fake) website The department of social scrutiny which is promoting a book published by Ian Vince.