Friday, August 18, 2017

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:


  • How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
  • The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
  • I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
  • A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Accountants' alphabet (A-Z)

Instead of the NATO alphabet, accountants are encouraged to adopt the new Accountants' alphabet when spelling things out. So no more Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta. Instead we now have:
  • A for Assets
  • B for Balancing
  • C for Capital
  • D for Delete
  • E for Excel
  • F for Finance
  • G for Goodwill
  • H for HMRC
  • I for Insolvency
  • J for Journals
  • K for Kiting
  • L for Liability
  • M for Materiality
  • N for Notes to accounts
  • O for Off-balance sheet
  • P for Profit
  • Q for Qualifications
  • R for Reconciliation
  • S for Support staff
  • T for Tax
  • U for Uncertainties
  • V for Value
  • W for Winding up
  • X for breakfast
  • Y for Yearly
  • Z for Zero-based budgeting

Friday, August 04, 2017

20 songs for accountants going on holiday

The following playlist is drawn from suggestions made by non-accountants on my facebook feed.
There's a distinct monetary theme but some inventive alternatives too.

  1. Money, that's what I want - Flying Lizards
  2. Leaving on a (budget-approved) Jet Plane- John Denver
  3. Ticket to Ride - A nice emailed copy for the accountants - The Beatles
  4. Do you know the way to (reclaim the cost of travel to) San Jose? - Dionne Warwick ACA
  5. The Balance - The Moody Blues
  6. Taxman - The Beatles
  7. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks ("The taxman's taken all my dough, And left me in my stately home")
  8. We can work it out - The Beatles
  9. Money - Pink Floyd
  10. Colour by Numbers (album) - Culture Club
  11. Money's too tight to mention - Simply (in the) Red
  12. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits
  13. Get up (I feel like Being a Tax Machine) - James Brown ACA
  14. I can't get no tax-isfaction - The Rolling Stones
  15. The Final Countdown - Europe
  16. Chasing Payments - Adele
  17. Money money money - Abba
  18. (Making Tax) Digital - Joy Division
  19. Take the Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
  20. Price tag - Jessie J
Plus two bonus tracks:
  • A song for January: Under Pressure - Queen
  • My favourite though, suggested by William Buist who knows I'm a bit of an acronymaniac, was: 24 hours to TULSA (Tally Up Long Standing Accounts). 
Many thanks to everyone who contributed to this list: Lee Hathaway, Kapil Kapur, Rod Sloane, Penny Haslam,  Mark Wingfield, Michelle Lubzianski, David Lewis, David Hyner, Andy Lopata, Shelley Bridgman, Cindy-Michelle Waterfield, Dave Sumner-Smith, Spyros Melaris, Andrew (Bernie) Bernard, William Buist.

"Goats ate my accounts" and other excuses

Some of the most outrageous reasons given to Companies House for late filings over the last 12 months include: “goats ate my accounts” “...