Friday, August 18, 2017

Financial one-liners

Comedian Samantha Baines at Edinburgh 2017: "I'm selling my old tennis equipment but I can't work out what's the net worth."

In a similar vein:


  • How does Santa's accountant value his sleigh? Net Present Value.
  • The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation. 
  • I saw a bank that said it offered 24 Hour Banking. So I didn’t go in. I didn’t have that much time. 
  • A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

Friday, August 11, 2017

The Accountants' alphabet (A-Z)

Instead of the NATO alphabet, accountants are encouraged to adopt the new Accountants' alphabet when spelling things out. So no more Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta. Instead we now have:
  • A for Assets
  • B for Balancing
  • C for Capital
  • D for Delete
  • E for Excel
  • F for Finance
  • G for Goodwill
  • H for HMRC
  • I for Insolvency
  • J for Journals
  • K for Kiting
  • L for Liability
  • M for Materiality
  • N for Notes to accounts
  • O for Off-balance sheet
  • P for Profit
  • Q for Qualifications
  • R for Reconciliation
  • S for Support staff
  • T for Tax
  • U for Uncertainties
  • V for Value
  • W for Winding up
  • X for breakfast
  • Y for Yearly
  • Z for Zero-based budgeting

Friday, August 04, 2017

20 songs for accountants going on holiday

The following playlist is drawn from suggestions made by non-accountants on my facebook feed.
There's a distinct monetary theme but some inventive alternatives too.

  1. Money, that's what I want - Flying Lizards
  2. Leaving on a (budget-approved) Jet Plane- John Denver
  3. Ticket to Ride - A nice emailed copy for the accountants - The Beatles
  4. Do you know the way to (reclaim the cost of travel to) San Jose? - Dionne Warwick ACA
  5. The Balance - The Moody Blues
  6. Taxman - The Beatles
  7. Sunny Afternoon- The Kinks ("The taxman's taken all my dough, And left me in my stately home")
  8. We can work it out - The Beatles
  9. Money - Pink Floyd
  10. Colour by Numbers (album) - Culture Club
  11. Money's too tight to mention - Simply (in the) Red
  12. Money for Nothing - Dire Straits
  13. Get up (I feel like Being a Tax Machine) - James Brown ACA
  14. I can't get no tax-isfaction - The Rolling Stones
  15. The Final Countdown - Europe
  16. Chasing Payments - Adele
  17. Money money money - Abba
  18. (Making Tax) Digital - Joy Division
  19. Take the Money and Run - The Steve Miller Band
  20. Price tag - Jessie J
Plus two bonus tracks:
  • A song for January: Under Pressure - Queen
  • My favourite though, suggested by William Buist who knows I'm a bit of an acronymaniac, was: 24 hours to TULSA (Tally Up Long Standing Accounts). 
Many thanks to everyone who contributed to this list: Lee Hathaway, Kapil Kapur, Rod Sloane, Penny Haslam,  Mark Wingfield, Michelle Lubzianski, David Lewis, David Hyner, Andy Lopata, Shelley Bridgman, Cindy-Michelle Waterfield, Dave Sumner-Smith, Spyros Melaris, Andrew (Bernie) Bernard, William Buist.