The interchageable accountant

I love this story of the interchageable accountant.

Peter wanted a new accountant. He spent ages asking around his local area and getting positive testimonials. 

He eventually chose a very reputable firm based on several recommendations.

Unfortunately, the day he went for his appointment he was running late and inadvertently walked into the accountants next door to the ones he was supposed to be visiting. 

They said they had no recollection of his appointment (not surprising really), but sent him to an office really quickly and in no time he was talking to his new accountant.

Peter says he has since been really happy with the service they provide and wouldn't change them - even though it did eventually become apparent that they weren't the firm he intended to approach. 

He's glad he did all that research!

Putting accountants out of business

Fifty years ago, in 1965, the Chancellor (Jim Callaghan) introduced his Budget Speech with the prophecy that he would so simplify the system that accountants would be put out of business. 

The 1965 Budget is particularly memorable as it introduced two new concepts - Corporation tax and Capital Gains Tax. 

At the time, famed (and now retired) tax specialist Adam Broke was a newly married breadwinner. 

He was initially concerned that perhaps there would be no future for tax advisers. 

He recalls that the Chancellor's ambitions were thwarted by the inclusion in his proposals of "small minded concepts such as close companies". 

As a result, Adam said he spent only milliseconds worrying whether he had chosen the wrong career. 

Little has changed over the last 50 years. Each tax change that purports to introduce simplicity into the tax system is similarly bedevilled by undue complexity, oversights and 'small minded concepts'.

My Career Crossroads: CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork

Years after qualifying as a chartered accountant, I met a woodworker whose craftsmanship was beautiful to behold.

While admiring his dovetails, I mentioned, somewhat proudly, that, years earlier, I had secured a CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork. 

Back in the day, we were told that was equivalent to an O-Level. Big stuff. 

He raised an eyebrow. “I used to teach Design & Technology,” he said. 

I confessed I’d failed DT but clung to the woodwork win and still had the table I had made in the exam. By then though it was in the loft as my wife wasn't keen to have it out.

The craftsman asked if I had continued with my interest in woodwork.

I explained that I had not. Instead I went on to qualify as an accountant and that no one in the profession had ever seemed that interested in my CSE Grade 1 in Woodwork. 

Without missing a beat, he replied: “Shame. You could’ve made a beautiful abacus.” 

But the time had passed.

ps: I'm now wondering if it was purely a coincidence that the firm I trained with was called 'Wood & Co'.

Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner

I’m been a judge for many Accountancy awards. The dinners and award parties are often spoiled by latecomers. Love their names (inspired by the radio show, 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue'

• Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb 
• Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud 
• The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line... 
• The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping 
• Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex) 
• Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con. 
• From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
• Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee 
• All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex 
• Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un 
• Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'. 
• Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows. 

10 alternative Job Titles for Accountants

1. Anxiety Transfer Expert – because your panic is our spreadsheet
2. Business Continuity Practitioner – making sure your cash flow doesn’t flatline
3. Numbers Facilitator – like a counsellor, but with pivot tables
4. Finance Doctor – diagnosis: terminally overdrawn
5. Money Multiplier – no rabbits, just receipts
6. MANIAC (Money And Numbers Inspector And Counter) – the acronym that audits itself
7. Cash Whisperer – fluent in the secret language of HMRC and petty cash
8. Revenue Therapist – tell me where it hurts (and show me the P&L)
9. The Profit Prophet – we see margin in your future
10. Cash Flow Curator – we don’t create liquidity, we just make it look nice

Credits: MANIAC devised by Adrian Markey, Finance Doctor inspired by Mark Allen, Business continuity practitioner by Kris McCulloch and Money multiplier by Michelle Eshkeri

The Plumber & the Self-Assessment Saga

Plumber: “Right, be honest — how bad is it if I’ve not done any bookkeeping since last April?”

Accountant: “Bad. But fixable. Like a leaky tap.”

Plumber: “What if it’s a full-blown burst pipe situation?”

Accountant: “Then I charge emergency call-out rates. Only joking. Mostly.”

Plumber: “Fair. I’ve clogged up the admin. Time to flush it out.”

Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…

• I can’t relax in a café if I can see the till is open too long.

• My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.

• I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.

• I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.

• My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”

• I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.

• I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.

• I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction 

• Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back! 

• I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad 

•  When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.

• I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.