T-shirts for accountants

Perhaps the original here was the T-shirt that offered a definition of an accountant:

"Someone who does precision guesswork, based on unreliable data, provided by those of questionable knowledge - See also wizard, magician"

If you know me, you'll know why this has always appealed.

Others you might prefer include:

"Life’s a balance sheet – assets, liabilities, and too much depreciation." 

"Accountant by day, spreadsheet ninja by night."  

"People think accountants are boring… until they need one. Then we’re rockstars!" 

"My life’s mission: trying to explain to people what a ‘debit’ really is." 

"I tried ‘work-life balance’ once. The formula didn’t add up."

"Some say love makes the world go round. I say it’s double-entry bookkeeping." 

"Being an accountant: the daily thrill of being almost accurate!"

10 experiences that prove you're an accountant

1. Wincing when someone says, "Can’t you just fudge the numbers a bit?"
2. Memorising the HMRC Agent Dedicated Line number memorised but struggling to recall the same for your significant other.
3. Trying to hide that you are an accountant from fellow members of your social, sporting or volunteer  group to avoid being pressured to takeover as Treasurer. 
4. Correcting an error on someone else’s spreadsheet then feeling smug for the rest of the day. 
5. Being slightly disappointed that the film The Accountant didn’t contain much actual accountancy.
6. Inadvertently snarling when someone uses the term “bean counter”. 
7. Wearily correcting ridiculous tax-relief schemes down the pub (no, your Labrodoodle is not a guard dog).
8. Being disappointed there aren’t any TV dramas like Grey’s Anatomy or Suits made about accountants. 
9. Putting “retired” on your conference badge so vendors don't hassle you.
10. Constantly battling the urge to colour-code everything, even your sock drawer.

6 tax deduction one-liners

Every year my friend asks if he can deduct the cost of his jogging shoes for tax purposes. It’s a running joke.

My client recently started a gardening business because he wanted to grow his net income.

Another client wanted to write off  the cost of a new bespoke suit. They said it would be a tailored deduction.

It would be wrong to claim a deduction for a new watch, but it could be a timely mistake.

My friend wanted to deduct the cost of his glasses. I told him that was short-sighted.

And anyone who thinks they can claim their morning coffee as a business expense should note that’s a perk, not a write-off.

Fun names for accountancy firms, or internal names for teams

 There's a firm of accountants in South Africa called 'Doughgetters'. 

That prompted me to look out for other such names. I found these:

• The Accountables
• Accruing respect
• The 3 Bs - Big Bad Bookkeepers
• The cash kings
• The counting consultants
• The counting Countesses
• Double entry deviants
• Figure fraternisers
• Ledgerndary
• Ledger lovers
• LIFO the party
• Ruler of the results
• Sir count-a-lot
• Taxmanian devils
• Three balance sheets to the wind

Others which are perhaps less positive include:

• The Accountaholics
• The bad assets
• Between the spreadsheets
• The cash cows
• Dealers in debits and credits
• Journal junkies
• The pirates of the accountancy
• Spreadsheet snoops
• Sums of anarchy
• Tax terrorists
• The uncountables
• Year end yearners

Reasons NOT to visit your accountant

 It all depends on who you are, but you may have a good reason NOT to visit your accountant. For example: 

•  The structural engineer won’t go if he’s too worried the office will collapse on him. 
• The resting ac-tor, worried they can't claim expenses against the novel they aren't writing. 
• The owner of a paper shop whose business has folded. 
• The owner of a Kipper business that went up in smoke. 
• The Psychic who couldn't go because they hadn't foreseen the travel restrictions. 
• The motor car manufacturer wont go because....don't get me started. 
• The carpet maker feared the accountant would pull the rug out from underneath. They also didn't want to be nailed by the tacks man! 
• The violinist didn't go as she didn't want to be accused of being on the fiddle. 
• The drill operator thought it would be too boring. 
• The watchmaker didn't have the time. 
• The carpenter felt it would go against the grain.

10 ways to run your accounting firm like the Starship Enterprise

 I have always been a fan of Star Trek. Here are some crossover ideas for accountants:

1.  Encourage staff to think like Spock when making deductions—logical, precise, and with the odd raised eyebrow.
2. Take inspiration from the Borg and assimilate new software updates: "Resistance is futile." 
3. Declare "red alert" status whenever a client’s tax return deadline is looming. 
4. Offer “Q Continuum” consulting services for clients who want the impossible done instantly. 
5. Schedule regular "away missions" to clients' offices—just remember to wear red shirts cautiously.
6.  Say, “That’s highly illogical,” whenever an inspector challenges one of your client’s deductions.
7. Raise the deflector shields, especially if HMRC contacts your clients about an investigation.
8. Tell the managing partner, “I canna do it, Captain, I can’t defy the laws of physics,” if he or she asks you to prepare more than five tax returns a day.
9. Install a "universal translator" to decode the jargon from clients in niche industries.
10. Designate a "star date" system for deadlines, so no one can ever say they didn't know when the reports were due.

An ode to auditing

Auditors are people too, we’re not nasty and mean 

No need for fear and loathing whenever we are seen 

Don’t hide behind your desk or go and nervously take flight 

We’re only there to try to make sure everything’s all right 

So when we do a test it isn’t just because we can 

It’s to check your system’s working right all neatly spick and span 

When we ask awkward questions it’s simply that we care 

That your records may be incomplete with not all you need there 

We look for fraud it’s true but hope to find it? We do not! 

Dealing with fraud just adds more to the work that is our lot 

Yes auditors are lovely with a helpful task to do 

It’s only incidental when we make more work for you 

I hope that now you understand and so, what do you say 

Will you fight prejudice and hug an auditor today? 

 Contributed by Stephen Purham and originally published on AccountingWeb