7 Christmas Cracker jokes for accountants

 What's the biggest overhead in Santa's accounts? 

- Private Elf care 

What’s an accountant’s favourite Christmas carol?
- Debit bells, debit bells, debits all the way!

Why does Santa pay so little tax? 

- He claims Gift Relief (Gift Aid would've been funnier) 

What is the employment tax status of Santa’s helpers? 

- Elf-employed

Why are accountants terrible at Christmas charades?
They insist on doing a full disclosure before acting anything out.

How does Santa’s accountant value his sleigh? 

- Net Present Value. 

Why did Santa get in trouble with the tax man?

- He missed the deadline on his elf-assessment.

A tax themed Christmas Carol

We nick ye merry gentlemen and confiscate your sleigh

For using it to bootleg booze and ciggies from Calais

To you we're wise, you've dodged excise,

We've tailed you all the way.

You're go-o- ing to pris-i-on old boy!

Oh what a joy!

You're go-o-ing to Wormwood Scrubs old boy!

Written by Chris Williams of Baker Tilly (as it was back then) and first published in Taxation magazine 20 December 2007

Films that might have been about tax evasion

Film titles adapted to suggest tax evasion related topics:

• Fatal Deduction
• Force Ten Grand from Navarone
• Returns of the Pink Panther 
• Ocean's P11D 
• Shawshank Tax Redemption 
• The Accountant of Monte Cristo 
• The Italian (cash in hand) job 
• Von Ryan's Expenses 
• A Tax Inspector Calls 
• Evasion of the Bodysnatchers 
• Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Tax Evasion But Were Afraid to Ask 
• Friends with Benefits-in-Kind 
• Fiddler on the Roof (ok this one didn't need adapting!)

Any more?

There's no such thing as free advice

A doctor and an accountant were seated together at a formal awards dinner.

The accountant watched bemused as the guy sitting on the other side of the doctor sought his advice about how to alleviate his back pain. The doctor gave some medical advice, then turned to the accountant and continued chatting with him. Later he confessed "I really hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

The accountant replied "I know exactly what you mean. It happens all the time to me too."

"How do you handle it?" asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer when you are asked for your advice at a social gathering."

"Simple" said the accountant. "I give a little advice and the next day I send them a £50 bill for consultancy services".

"What a great idea" said the doctor. "I think that would work for me. I must remember to try it." But by the time he got home he'd already forgotten about sending a bill to the man with the back pain.

He remembered the next morning though when he opened his post. In it was note from the accountant with a bill for £50!

This is a joke I've told many times over the years, since long before I found a version of it in the book Revenge of the Taxpayer 

True story about an ex-chartered accountant

True story - An accountant in his sixties sells part of his practice. He keeps a few favoured clients and stops paying his Institute subs.

He tells a friend that "My clients don't care whether I keep paying my subs etc and I don't need the pressure of prospective visits from the Practice Assurance team - or anyone else." 

The friend reminds him that he won't be able to describe himself as a Chartered Accountant any more or to give references that rely on that description.

A few weeks later the accountant meets his friend again. "I remembered what you said about references so last time I was asked for one I simply put "Ex-Chartered Accountant".

"How did your client respond?" asked the friend.

"Oh - I think he was pleased. He didn't say anything but I heard him later telling someone I was an EXcellent accountant."

Songs that might have been about tax avoidance

Maybe these were the original titles of popular songs:

1. April 6th Showers 
2. Savin' All My Tax For Me 
3. VAT's love got to do with it? 
4. H.M.R.C (to the tune of Y.M.C.A) 
5. God Rest PAYE Merry Gentlemen 
6. TAX! Who is it good for? Absolutely not me! 
7. Cayman Feel The Noize 
8. BVI, I, I, Delilah 
9. Big yellow tax dodge 
10. Ferry Cost To Jersey 
11. Strangers on the offshore 
12. The loot of love 
13. Wake me up before Monaco-go 
14. I'll be Revenue in all the old familiar places
15. 'Cos I Am a Rich Man

Were the Owl and the Pussycat involved in tax avoidance?

A simple analysis suggests that this Edward Lear poem is all about tax avoidance.

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea [going offshore obviously] In a beautiful pea green boat, They took some honey, and plenty of money, [evidently cash] Wrapped up in a five pound note. [money laundering perhaps?]

Pussy said to the Owl, 'You elegant fowl! How charmingly sweet you sing! O let us be married! too long we have tarried: But what shall we do for a ring?' They sailed away, for a year and a day, To the land where the Bong-tree grows [obviously a tax haven]

The big clue is in that penultimate line. Leaving the UK for a year and a day is the minimum period of absence required to ensure that they secured non-resident status under the rules then in place.

The above analysis was offered in 2009 by Andrew Hubbard, now Editor in Chief of Taxation magazine, when he was newly installed as President of CIOT, after the Chartered Tax Advisers' address on the anniversary of Edward Lear's birthday.