Unbelievable work experience in accountants' offices

 One - It all looks so easy

One firm took a 15 year old girl from the local secondary school on work experience for a week. She was the daughter of a client. 

Two weeks later, the client phoned them and told them they were leaving. Asked if they were going to a different accountant they said no, their daughter was going to look after their affairs from now on as she had learned how to do all the work during her week of work experience!!

Two - They learn so much
Another accountant reports having received a CV from a young lady (aged 17) who, during a month with a local accountancy firm, apparently took over the role of payroll manager, conducted an audit without supervision and seems to now be competent in preparing self assessment and corporation tax returns.

The accountant who saw the CV did not reply because he did not think he would be able to afford the salary of a genius, saying "No doubt she will appear in the next series of The Apprentice".

These stories were originally shared on AccountingWeb in 2011

Customs & Excise were always the toughest!

Before everyone was merged into HMRC, the Inland Revenue, Contributions Agency, and Customs & Excise were all trying to prove they were the best at extracting confessions from taxpayers.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

 The Contributions Agency went first. They placed animal informants throughout the forest and questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

 The Revenue went next. After two weeks with no leads they burned the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they made no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 Finally Customs went in. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear was yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

What's 2+2? Ten different professions give their answers

Engineer: The answer lies between 3.98 and 4.02

Estate agent: I will sort that out once you agree to pay me 1% of the answer.

Mathematician: In 3 hours I can demonstrate my proof that will reveal the answer everyone has been searching for.

Logician: This problem is solvable.

Dentist: If you don't brush them properly there will only be 3.

Social worker: I don't know the answer but I'm glad we discussed the question.

Lawyer: In the case of Nerd vs HMRC, 2+2 was held to be 4

Politician: That's not the real question.

Market trader: Are you buying or selling?

Accountant: What do you want it to be?

Would this still convince the taxman?

 This is an extract from a letter sent by an accountant to the taxman:

"In reply to your letter of the 12th, there is no documentary evidence of partnership, but when I called at my client's premises to complete the Tax Return his wife was present.  

When I asked if the business belonged to him, his wife immediately answered in the most forthright terms that it was their joint property and I personally was sufficiently convinced not to pursue the matter further. 

I take some pride in my physical condition, but I know my limitations. If you are still not convinced I will take you along in my car to see Mrs X with pleasure, but I will wait outside for you."

Recorded in Peter Vaines and Roger Nuttall's book "The Bottom Line"

The Accountant's A-Z

 Instead of the NATO alphabet, accountants are encouraged to adopt the new Accountants' alphabet when spelling things out. So no more Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta. Instead we now have:

• A for Assets
• B for Balancing
• C for Capital
• D for Delete
• E for Excel
• F for Finance
• G for Goodwill
• H for HMRC
• I for Insolvency
• J for Journals
• K for Kiting - the fraudulent use of a financial instrument to obtain additional credit that is not authorised
• L for Liability
• M for Materiality
• N for Notes to accounts
• O for Off-balance sheet
• P for Profit
• Q for Qualifications
• R for Reconciliation
• S for Support staff
• T for Tax
• U for Uncertainties
• V for Value
• W for Winding up
• X for breakfast
• Y for Yearly
• Z for Zero-based budgeting